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Cuando me dijo, un montón de cosas tenían sentido. I now understand him better.”

If your partner was sexually abusedThis information is for partners of men who have been sexually abused in childhood or sexually assaulted as adults. A Vivir Bien, we regularly receive requests for information and support from partners wanting to understand how to respond when their partner discloses sexual abuse, and how they might best assist their partner, su relación y de ellos mismos.

Initial response

Al enterarse de que alguien cercano a usted ha sido víctima de abuso sexual nunca es fácil. Puede venir como un shock.

A pesar de que puede haber sólo recientemente ha hablado del abuso, que normalmente habría estado funcionando en su mente si decir nada durante bastante tiempo. There are some considerable barriers to men’s disclosure of sexual abuse or sexual assault. This means that sharing this information with you shows a significant belief and trust in you (Ver Hombres y divulgación: La decisión de contar y Hombres y divulgación: ¿Cómo usted puede ayudar for more information around barriers to disclosure).

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do. The whole thing was so foreign to me and all I could think of was that I didn’t sign up for this stuff when I married him, cómo se atreve a traer esto a nuestra vida. I felt angry with him and guilty all at the same time.”

La gente tiene una variedad de respuestas a escuchar que alguien cercano a ellos ha sido abusado sexualmente. Es comprensible que usted puede necesitar tiempo para trabajar a través de sus sentimientos, pensamientos, physical reactions and questions that may come up, tal como “donde a partir de aquí?” Las personas informan que experimentan una profunda tristeza, compasión, sorpresa, choque, incredulidad, así como ira intensa a la persona que hizo esto. Todos estos son comprensibles, respuestas comunes.

Una de las cosas más útiles que puedes hacer por ti mismo es aceptar que va a tener una gran variedad de reacciones, even ones that aren’t welcome. It can be reassuring to know some of the most common thoughts and feelings for partners when hearing about sexual assault.

Common immediate reactions

Horror

Often what you have heard about is horrible, so why wouldn’t you react in this way? Particularly if this is something you have had little experience with in your life.

Incredulidad

No queremos creer que estas cosas suceden en el mundo en el que, nuestros socios, niños, family and friends live in. It can sometimes take a while to overcome the strong desire to believe that this is not real.

Ira

We don’t like hearing about people hurting those that we care about, and often this brings out a protective urge, especialmente si sabemos quiénes son las personas que cometieron los actos. Esto es natural, pero también sabemos que no podemos luchar batallas de la gente para ellos. Para las mujeres, No se utiliza para tratar a esos sentimientos intensos de ira, it can feel especially difficult to manage.

Resentment

When a man tells his partner he has experienced sexual abuse and or assault in the past, this introduces a new piece of information into the relationship. It is common to experience feelings of resentment over that. After all, you may have made different decisions if you had had this information before.

Frustration

You might feel frustrated that he didn’t tell you earlier, and possibly resentful that your issues and concerns now seem to be taking second place. This can be especially the case when counselling begins: The partner who has experienced the abuse can seem to be pre-occupied by the events of the past, and you may feel “locked out” or left behind.

Some partners later find themselves frustrated that he is not “getting over it” or moving forward as quickly as they would like.

Vergüenza

Esta es una reacción particularmente difícil de tratar ya menudo no se reconoce.

Usted puede sentirse avergonzado de sus propios pensamientos y reacciones. Maybe you didn’t completely believe him at first. Maybe you wished he hadn’t told you. Maybe you had some thoughts that he should have told somebody earlier, or done something to stop it. Usted sabe que estos pensamientos e ideas no son particularmente útiles para él, pero los ha tenido de todos modos. Usted puede estar seguro que su pareja también se ha sentido vergüenza por momentos. Este es un sentimiento que probablemente comparta, pero por diferentes razones.

Tristeza

Cuando se experimentan profundas heridas y el dolor algo siempre se pierde. Esta sensación de pérdida trae tristeza y dolor. Un concepto que algunas personas encuentran útil es la idea de la pérdida ambigua y pena marginados. This refers to a loss that is not publicly recognised or validated.

Por ejemplo, the grief we experience in the case of a death, a miscarriage, or a relationship breakdown is recognised and validated by society. The grief you may feel at learning of the abuse of your partner might not be as well understood by others. En cambio, es muy personal y privada, and unlike other losses it may not be permanent, and therefore can contain hope. Puede conducir a la doliente preguntándose si siquiera tienen derecho a sentir dolor y tristeza.

Soledad

When a man is working on the effects of sexual assault, he is often on a solo journey through this process. Even though he may look for and appreciate your support and presence, que a veces puede parecer distante de ti. Esto puede ser muy solitario para ti.

All of the above

A veces se puede experimentar una serie de reacciones a la vez, a pesar de que podría parecer que se contradicen entre sí.

 

It was a real rollercoaster of emotions after he told me about it – I was angry, triste, la esperanza de que por fin estaba fuera en el abierto y curiosamente incluso feliz de que él confiaba en mí lo suficiente como para contármelo. What was hardest was that I just wanted to fix it all up and make it go away and I knew that I just couldn’t wave a wand and make it all better.”

Todos estos sentimientos y reacciones son absolutamente comprensibles. Judging yourself harshly or trying not to have difficult or distressing feelings about a disturbing or distressing event is not particularly useful. It can be helpful to reassure yourself that most partners experience overwhelming emotional responses, and that these usually lessen in intensity over time. A veces puede ser útil tener a alguien (y puede que no sea su pareja) con el que se puede poner con seguridad estos sentimientos y pensamientos en palabras.

Algunas formas de responder

Al enterarse del abuso sexual, muchas personas experimentan un deseo de ayudar y cuidar de su pareja, para ayudar a hacer mejor las cosas. Todos nos beneficiamos de la atención y el apoyo en los momentos difíciles en nuestras vidas. Idealmente, a los dos para poder acceder a la ayuda que necesita: assistance that provides each of you individually and as a couple to experience greater sense of control, elección y bienestar en sus vidas y relaciones.

En la búsqueda y ofreciendo asistencia, it can be a challenge to strike the right balance between not leaving someone completely on their own to find their own way, and not taking over, rescuing or trying wrap him up in cotton wool.

We are beginning to develop a picture of what worries men, and what responses are helpful for both men who have been sexually abused and for their partners.

Yo no quiero que la gente me mira como si yo fuera una especie de monstruo – Yo sigo siendo el mismo chico que sabían antes; it’s just that they now have some new information about me.”

Ya ha hecho algunas cosas realmente útiles:

Leyendo sobre el tema

It can help to make yourself familiar with common difficulties experienced by men, as well as stories of hope and resilience. A lot of the material in print, on the web, and on television are popular media stories which are sensationalized and often contain “doom and gloom.” Try to access information that affirms peoples’ capacity to grow beyond their experience of abuse.

Apoyo Acceso

Talk to and receive assistance from somebody who is able to help you to understand and process your own feelings. Talk with knowledgeable others who can assist you to understand the issues your partner has been dealing with, and who can also support you in your role.

Asistir a su propia salud

Look after your own emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Doing so will build up your own coping and resilience, and also enable you to assist your partner to do the same. Having a model who demonstrates good self care will often encourage someone, consciously or not, to work towards this himself.

Partner was sexually abused

Maneras útiles de responder

Creen en él y le hizo saber esto

Telling him that you believe him might be the single most valuable thing that you can say to him.

Exprese cómo se siente acerca de lo que le ha dicho

Probablemente ha estado tomando en sus expresiones faciales, your body language, and all of the other ways that you can tell him how you are feeling, as well as the words that you say. Being open and honest about your feelings is generally a good idea.

Hágale saber que usted va a respetar su confidencialidad

It is likely that your partner will have some sense of shame or guilt, and may not want others to know about his experiences. It is very important that you respect that this is his story and it belongs to him, and that he should tell whomever and whenever he chooses to tell, and that others are told by you only with his express permission. Contar con esta sensación de control y confianza le ayudará a seguir adelante después de años de "explotación" esto solo.

Busque apoyo para usted mismo

If he asks you to keep this information to yourself, you may be feeling unsupported. It is best to talk with him about identifying a safe and trusted person, or a counsellor perhaps, que se puede buscar apoyo y quién va a respetar su confidencialidad. If you have discussed this with him, and he knows who you are seeking support from, then he will know that you want to be there for him. He may worry about you less as well.

Continúe con sus actividades habituales

Esto demuestra a su pareja que incluso este nuevo elemento en su vida no tiene por qué cambiar las cosas.

A veces, out of initial shock or misinformation, people can react in what are perceived as negative or unhelpful ways. Si usted encuentra que usted ha tropezado, cometido un error, or done or said something that was not considered helpful, no seas tan duro contigo mismo. It is always useful to take time to reflect on what you have heard and your own initial responses, and to gather more information, before returning to the topic with your partner.

Algunos errores comunes

No creerle

Denying or minimizing the impact of the experience for him, as not as bad as it seemed, or so long ago that it should be forgotten or put away somewhere, is a common reaction. Nos puede ayudar a hacer frente a las cosas que no queremos reconocer como sucede en el mundo en que vivimos.

Reaccionando con horror y la indignación

Es comprensible que usted puede ser que desee tomar medidas para corregir lo que ha ocurrido. Este es un instinto de protección común. It is important that you don’t try to take control, but rather support your partner in his decisions around this issue.

Telling others without your partners’ knowledge

It can be difficult to hold this new information, and it is understandable that you might want to share it with others that are close to you. If you have done this you could go back to those persons and tell them about your new understanding around the need to respect your partner’s confidentiality, y pedirles que hagan respetar también.

Perhaps you are dealing with your own experience of sexual abuse or assault

Si usted tiene su propia experiencia de abuso sexual o asalto sexual, luego de escuchar acerca de la experiencia de su pareja puede ser particularmente angustiante, especialmente si usted no ha hablado de ello a él ni a nadie.

De repente los pensamientos y sentimientos acerca de mi propio abuso llegaron en tropel. Yo no quería recordarlo y yo estaba enojado con él para arrastrar todo para arriba… pero yo no podía decirle al respecto… ahora no. Yo era inútil. He needed my support and I felt like I was drowning.”

Cosas que puedes hacer

Obtenga apoyo si es necesario

Podría ser útil para que usted considere hablar con un amigo de confianza, pariente o incluso un consejero, either individually, as a couple, o ambos. Si también ha experimentado el abuso sexual o asalto sexual, this might be a time to find a counsellor to make sure you are properly supported, and have the opportunity to discuss the mix of issues raised for you by your partner’s disclosure to you.

Hable con su pareja

Esto puede significar hablar con su pareja sobre sus reacciones, sus sentimientos y pensamientos. You may have questions you need to ask him, or things you want to reassure him about. Si usted decide que quiere hablar con él acerca de su experiencia de abuso sexual, tener claro lo que busca de él. Todos los socios se benefician de apoyo e información sobre la mejor manera que puedan ayudar en ese momento. What works for one person may not be exactly what another person is looking for at that time.

Para saber más

Este sitio web es un buen comienzo. Hay similitudes y diferencias en los hombres de y experiencias de las mujeres de los abusos sexuales. Feel free to look at the other pages and sections of this website to educate yourself about sexual abuse and helpful ways of managing. Dispelling some of the myths and rumours around sexual assault has been very helpful for many partners, as well as reading about relationship challenges y common difficulties.

Mantenemos la esperanza

Los efectos del trauma y el abuso no tienen que ser una sentencia de cadena perpetua por su pareja y usted mismo. Hay numerosas historias de resiliencia, esperanza y recuperación. There are many examples of men who experience sexual assault and are able to lead healthy, exitosa y emocionalmente estable, vidas gratificantes y satisfactorias. They are not the “walking wounded” and this part of their lives does not have to define them.

Asegúrate de que tienes una vida y mantenerlo en marcha

Es fácil de poner sus propios intereses, amistades y relaciones en espera, creer que sus problemas son más importantes que su propia. Si bien esto es comprensible, que no es muy útil para usted y en realidad no es útil para él.

Cada día los pasos prácticos para cuidar de sí mismo

Usted probablemente ya estén haciendo muchas cosas útiles para cuidar de sí mismo. Usted puede ser de poca utilidad para nadie, incluyéndote a ti mismo, si no priorizar el cuidado personal. La bienestar sección de este sitio web son útiles tanto para hombres y mujeres, si usted ha sido víctima de abuso sexual o no. Algunas estrategias particularmente útiles podrían ser:

Sueño

Asegúrese de que usted lo hace y hacerlo bien. There are some extremely useful sleep hygiene protocols available. Si su sueño es malo, entonces tendrá un efecto negativo en su salud y su capacidad para hacer frente.

Ejercer

Make sure you have some exercise in your day. El secreto es encontrar algo que realmente disfrutes. La mayoría de nosotros, incluso con el más fuerte de lo encontrarán difícil de pegarse a algo que no nos gusta.

Cultive sus otras relaciones

The healthiest partnerships are relationships between people who have strong relationships with other people such as friends, compañeros de trabajo y familia. Estas relaciones requieren tiempo y energía y tiene que darse permiso para hacer esto.

Controle su salud física

Asegúrese de que tiene una buena relación con un médico de cabecera y tener controles periódicos de salud. Dar prioridad a su salud también significa asegurarse de que tiene una buena, dieta saludable, y en el que se puede disfrutar de su comida como uno de los grandes placeres de la vida.

Explore avenues to practise relaxation

This could be through atención, yoga, tai-chi, y la meditación, pasar tiempo en la naturaleza, atendiendo a sus necesidades espirituales, y encontrar maneras significativas para conectar profundamente con los demás.

Acceda a más apoyo si lo necesita

Es posible que también ya ha estado utilizando sus propios recursos y redes de apoyo. Esto puede ser muy útil. También es posible que haya podido tener acceso a un poco de lectura e información útil. Si usted se siente abrumado o si al igual que un poco más de apoyo y asistencia que usted podría considerar la reserva en ver a un consejero o terapeuta que entiende el trauma y el impacto de asalto sexual en las relaciones.

 

5 comentarios

  1. Comment by Marian Worldon

    Marian Worldon Responder Octubre 16, 2016 en 11:20 pm

    My husband of 40 + years I care for him but he doesn’t have feelings for me. He has been verbally abusive to me for so long. He has slept on his own for 16 yrs. He told me his been going to a meeting place for gay men & having sex with random men. Even contracting herpes in 2014. I feel angry sad, dead inside and suicidal. How can I feel normal again. I cant eat or make eye contact with him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but he hurt me so bad I cry we have 3 adult children & granchildren. I cant get this out of my mind I hate him I don’t work I’m nearly 60yrs old He had counseling and was told to go ahead and have sex with men if he wants. I just want to die he doesn’t care how much hes hurt me. I cant talk to him or look at him I feel like dying, I really do. I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life and suicidal. I çant smile not happy anymore. I don’t want anymore conseling I had it foŕ years due to my depression. What can I do?

    thankyou
    María

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Octubre 28, 2016 en 11:27 en

      Hola María,

      Thanks for reaching out to us in this difficult time. I’m so sorry to hear you are in such a terrible bind. I have to say this almost sounds like an abusive relationship, as your needs are being knowingly and completely ignored and disrespected.. to the point where you feel miserable, perdido, trapped and without any control over the situation.

      We have a page with some information for partners where there is conflict they may be a bit of help, however what I’m hearing is that your situation seems hopeless. You’re sure your husband has no feelings for you and has accepted no responsibility for how much he has hurt you. This definitely indicates he is not willing to change.

      Regardless of whether or not a partner has experienced sexual violence, abusive and damaging behaviour is unacceptable and you are under no obligation to tolerate it. I’m getting the sense though that your options are very limited here; you mentioned that you do not work which puts you in a very difficult position. You mentioned that you have three adult children, and I can understand not wanting to put them in the middle. Are there any other family, friends or people you are close to who are they able to support you (either practically or emotionally) en absoluto? As this seems like far too much to go through alone.

      You also mentioned you’re not open to counselling as you’ve gone through this process for a long time for depression. I wonder though if it could be helpful to try again with a purely practical (or solution focused) aim? To explore your situation, your options, and any barriers or fears you have in regard to taking your various possible courses of action? This kind of counselling can be quite different to counselling for depression.

      Whether or not this is something you’re willing to give a go, the best thing you can do Mary is to ensure you take care of yourself through this highly stressful and painful timeand I don’t mean that as a meaninglesstake care!” I mean making the time to engage in things that will help you cope, build your resilience and well-being, and make you feel stronger. Self care can give you a more stable base from which to deal with a situation that may otherwise feel unbearable. It is for this reason we place such a high priority on the well-being section of our website. Please take a look and see if there are any strategies in there that may assist in building up your resilience.

      Mary please Estar en contacto with us if you would like to chat more about what is going on for you. We can talk over the phone or through email.
      Wishing you the best.

  2. Comment by Marian

    Marian Responder Enero 11, 2017 en 10:51 pm

    What is your phone number? I don’t handle things well

    Gracias
    Marian

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Enero 18, 2017 en 9:28 en

      If you’d like to talk to one of our counsellors, you can get in touch with us at (07) 3028 4648. I’ve also sent you an email.

  3. Comment by Nads

    Nads Responder Mayo 15, 2017 en 10:31 pm

    My boyfriend just told me about a sexual abuse he had when he was very little. He never spoke about this with anyone in his whole life and he just told me after four years of relationship. The thing that worries me is the way he talks about it, it makes it seem like it’s not a big issue and that it’s in the past so it’s not a problem anymore. I’m concerned as I think there must be some kind of trauma behind it , but I don’t know how to behave. He obviously doesn’t like to talk about it, or to talk about any painful or uncomfortable feeling. A lot of his character tracts now makes much more sense.. like his not trusting anyone else apart from himself, or his cold way of seeing life. Do you have any advice to give me?

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