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Supporting partners after sexual abuse

Supporting partners after sexual abuse

A key learning for those working with men who have been sexually abused is that it is important to prioritise support for women, partners and family members. Men are invested in ensuring their partners receive support. Men live and breathe in relationships and like women their lives are enhanced and grow in relationship contexts. Although it may sound common sense that we should ensure that women, partners and family are provided with quality information and support, there is still much work to do. Too often potential allies in a healing journey are left struggling on the sidelines.

На Living Well, requests for assistance for men who have experienced sexual abuse are often initiated by women partners or family members. These women tell an all too familiar story of care and concern, as they struggle with the impact of sexual abuse on their partner, on their relationships and on themselves. It is typical to hear the following comments:

What women partners report

For the past couple of years I have been struggling to understand what has been going onI love my husbandI know him as a dear, kind man, yet am watching him distance himself from me and our childrenHe is working longer and longer hoursHe stopped talking to mehe stopped coming to bedhe keeps saying it’s not you, it’s meif it isn’t me then why am I being punished? When I told him things had to change or I’m leaving, that’s when he told me… he told me about being sexually abused two years ago, but he won’t go and get helpI don’t understandhe made me promise not to tellI know it sounds ungrateful with the hell that he has been through, but I didn’t sign up for thisHow long will it take for him to get better… Я не знаю, что делать… I feel like I am going underwe need helpIt’s tearing our relationship apartIt’s tearing me apart.

The women we speak with are not just wanting to know how best to support the men in their life, they are seeking support for themselves as people whose relationships and life are being ‘torn apart.’

What can make relationships particularly difficult

In supporting partners after sexual abuse, and trying to offer personalised support, we are aware that there is a complex interplay of factors, both social and sexual abuse related, that confront these women. Young men’s typical ways of managing the effects of sexual abuse can have them flying under the radar in their teens and twenties. These coping methods include not talking, отказ, питьевой, наркотики, случайный секс, онемение, рискнул пойти, and limited expression of emotions. Это то, как молодые люди ведут себя, право? Однако, когда молодые люди начать отношения они часто стоит задача изменить эти образы жизни жизни, Seek как партнерские отношения, основанные на приверженности, доверять, любить, уход и близость. Что может сделать это еще труднее интимных отношениях может вызвать напоминания о сексуальном насилии в детстве. This is because abuse often occurs in similar interpersonal contexts, but involving a betrayal of trust. Это не удивительно, что давление для изменения часто строит в отношениях.

Партнеры очень часто являются первым человеком, человек будет рассказывать о сексуальном насилии. On average, мужчинам раскрыть сексуальное насилие 22 лет после этого события, 10 годом позже, чем женщины. Telling does not mean, однако, that the shame, вина, and fear of people questioning his manhood or sexuality (the things that led him to keep the abuse secret) just go away. Partners report pressure to take on and keep the secret. Это имеет эффект выделения женщин из важных источников личной поддержки для них в то время, они больше всего нужны.

Давление, чтобы быть единственным кормильцем

Давление партнеры могут чувствовать себя в качестве единственного сторонника слишком много, чтобы ожидать от одного человека. We know that being well connected and supported is important for our health and well being. Однако, текущее Мужское здоровье исследовательские заметки мужчины менее вероятно, доступ к медицинским услугам и консультированию, чем женщины. Далее, men have smaller social support networks than women, and men are unlikely to have a close confidant other than their partner. Это отсутствие поддержки соединений проблемы для пар, занимающихся сексуального насилия, оставляя обе стороны изо всех сил, чтобы справиться.

Отсутствие признания сообщества, осознание и поддержка для мужчин, которые имели нежелательные и оскорбительные сексуальный контакт имеет значительное влияние на жизнь людей и на жизнь женщин. Our intent in naming some of the challenges that couples face in addressing the impact of sexual abuse has been to both highlight the complexity of factors at play, and to encourage greater support for partners and families. Там гораздо не упомянутые здесь, в том числе особые проблемы, с которыми сталкиваются женщины, которые также испытали сексуальное насилие, матери / отцы и однополые пары (hopefully we can includes some articles on these issues at some point).

Отношения могут быть местом исцеления

На Living Well, мы знаем из опыта, что так же, как отношения могут быть местом, где могут появиться проблемы, связанные с сексуальной злоупотребления, они также могут быть местом глубокого исцеления. Прогулки исцеления путешествие вместе может быть тяжелая работа и бесконечно полезным. Здоровый, счастливые отношения могут быть противоядием сексуального насилия. Отношения могут быть местом, где люди учатся, чтобы чувствовать себя в безопасности и иметь их выбор уважали. Отношения являются местом, где люди могут узнать самопомощь и помощь предложение, поддержка и поощрение других, где пары могут построить доверие, почтительный, интимный, сексуальный, любовные отношения.

Если вы или ваш партнер борются с последствиями сексуального насилия, we encourage you to seek further information and support from a counsellor or service provider who has knowledge and experience in working with people who have experienced sexual abuse. Partners of men might also find help in our pages under Информация для партнеров.

 

1 комментарий

  1. Comment by Pauline

    Pauline Ответить Март 5, 2017 в 2:07 PM

    My husband of 21 years of marriage has just disclosed to me his sexual abuse from his mother. I told him how sorry I was to hear this and that he it wasn’t his fault. I have been through infidelity with him many times and I asked him if there was more than the three that I know of and he said yes. What I don’t understand is why he wants to bring the sexual abuser his mother into our bedroom almost like it turns him on more. I have stopped having sex with him in the last two weeks and I told him prior to his disclosure that I want a divorce. He had been going out every weekend telling me that he’s going to see the guys but after all this then I know where he was. I want to help him I just don’t know if this is possible. He said he remember seeing something on TV a guy from jail and the only way out of this is to hang himself. These kinds of scenarios I don’t like to hear or see and this evening he’s out again, I’m probably 90% positive that he’s with one of his girlfriends. I just don’t know what to do one part of me says to just let him go like he says he’ll move out in the summer but I don’t know if he’ll do that either I told him I’m not his backup if his girlfriend is don’t work. I try not to say really anything to him about his girlfriends and he keeps trying to have sex with me every night. He is obsessed with p*** in pictures of young girls and boys. This is such a sad state I feel so bad for him. I know what is like to be abused sexually because I was at a younger age but I have gone beyond that and have decided that was then and then I have to keep on going with my life but I don’t think he gets that it’s affected him very much more

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