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支持男人的披露如果你正在读这篇资料片很可能是有兴趣学习更多关于你如何能帮助一个人,你知道谁拥有经验丰富的儿童性虐待. 或者, 一个男人,你知道了可能会已经给定的了这个的负债表给你,因为他相信,你是有人谁可以邮政编码或者按照联邦州他支持. 告诉有人说,你有经验丰富的的对儿童的性滥用或性侵犯的的是不容易的的. 如何披露儿童性虐待或性侵犯的发生,以及它是如何回应可以显着地影响一个人的未来福祉. 不幸的是, 的研究表明,超过 70% 是谁经历过儿童期性虐待还没有告诉任何人的男人. 下面列出的是哪些因素会影响男性性虐待或性侵犯的披露信息, 随着你可能会对如何能够帮助他同时继续照顾自己的一些建议.

障碍申告

男孩和男人, 像女童和妇女的, 通常不讲儿童性虐待或性侵犯. 但是男人的谈论性暴力的能力甚至进一步与有关的阳刚之气定型问题的影响, 同性恋恐惧和混乱有关性行为, 担心一个人会成为一种虐待罪犯, 以及缺乏对男性视觉上的支撑. 请花时间检查出障碍的详细清单,男人面对我们的页面 男人和披露: 决定告诉.

事情可能会鼓励披露

正如男人和男孩可以讲滥用气馁, 所以某些事件可能会导致男人讲他们的经历. 可以提示性虐待披露:

  • 眼看一个这部影片讲述挡案包含不良内容,,或听力约性虐待的一个公共的讨论 (例如, 一个儿童热线的广告, 像“神秘肌肤”的电影).
  • 披露的朋友, 伙伴, 家人或男子组成员.
  • 看到谁犯下的性虐待的人, 听到或参观虐待发生地.
  • 初为人父, 或贴近孩子谁打开岁的男子是在虐待行为持续.
  • 当关系破裂或当一个合伙人坚持认为,一个关系到生存,你必须看到一个辅导员.
  • 当有公开调查虐待或殴打 (e.g. 皇家委员会, 弗勒询价).
  • 如果警察与您联系,寻求进一步的证据进行起诉.
  • 重温通过倒叙的攻击, 噩梦, 等.
  • 健康问题或身体检查 (e.g. 的一个前列腺考试的建议).
  • 当一个合作伙伴提供的支持和理解时.
  • 当一个男人觉得他必须处理或死亡!

您可以如何帮助

您不必,以成为一个专家,或知道所有的正确的事情,,,以说,以便能够,以帮助已经历了的性的暴力的一个男人谁. 事实上,该名男子已与您提出的问题表示,他认为你是谁的谁可以帮.

作为一个支持的人,你可以扮演一个重要的角色,在帮助一个人经历过性暴力. 有是没有设置的的的的方式,以支持某人. 每个人都会作出不同,以反应发生了什么事,,,并将寻求不同的的种的帮助在不同的时间.

实际的帮助

它不仅是情感上的支持,一个人可能需要. 这可能是有用的提供一些简单实用的理念,包括公司, 运输约会, 保育, 买菜或做饭. 重要的是你与该男子交谈,并检查与他有关,他想什么是重要的. 只要是可, 耐心和理解, 你可以帮助一个人减少性暴力对他生活的影响.

Photo of people talking 仔细听他在说什么. 让他讲他的脚步, 并揭示尽可能多的信息,因为他是舒服. 尽量不要打断他,或问很多问题. 被问了很多问题,感觉自己就像被审问. 如果他停止了说话时不要担心 – 沉默都还好. 你不必急于在填补国内空白. 你不必知道所有的细节, 尽量不要询问有关比实际事件的更多信息,主动请缨.

相信他

重要的是,你要让他知道你相信他是很重要的. 人们很少编造故事有关性虐待. 同样重要的是要考虑你说的话. 你会一直影响, 因为我们都有, 由许多无益的神话在我们的社会对性侵犯, 因此,它可能没有帮助,立即说什么瞬间进入你的头. 尽量避免补强任何无益的神话. (看到页面上 无益的信念).

Stay calm

尽量控制自己的感情. 不要让恐怖震撼感受, 愤怒, 愤怒或厌恶你,不再提供支持. 一个人可能误解了这些感情的拒绝他或为信念,性虐待是一种可耻的/可怕/令人作呕的主题支持表情,他不应该被提.

如果你感觉不堪重负, 都这样说,需要时间来呼吸和收集您的想法. 告诉他,你明白他在说的是伤害和痛苦, 但是,你愿意花时间与他. 请注意,如果谁犯了虐待的人是家庭成员或亲密的人, 该名男子可能有冲突的感受对他们,如果你对他们说确凿的东西也未必有用. 它可以是有用的解释,你的情绪的表达涉及到什么,他已经通过和你是不是跟他心烦.

放心, 一致性和可靠性

告诉你开心的人,他已经和你. 如果他告诉感觉负责发生了什么部分,你, 花时间去倾听并试图理解他怎么会想到这. Recognise这一点是他可能会通过交谈与辅导员在未来, 不打折什么,他会告诉你. 告诉他,你明白,谈到自己的感情和关心困难, 但是,你很高兴,他相信你有足够的与你交谈.

因为他们的存在提供了一致的支持是很重要的, 鉴于有可能是跌宕起伏, 好的时期和困难时期, 即使在一个单一的一天. 如果情况没有改善的时候了, 不要想当然地认为他正在成为精神病患者. 记得, 有时事情似乎变得更糟之前,他们得到更好的. 作为一致和可靠的可以在和本身产生积极的影响.

提供与保密的限制

重要的是,它透露给你的信息是受到尊重和信任举行. 请确定你跟他商量什么他的期待分享他已经告诉你与其他人之前,. 他可能不会要你没有他的明确许可,任何人说别人.

通过他的期望有关保密谈话, 考虑若有人在任何存在危险,并讨论如何您可能需要在谈话与辅导员或一个值得信赖的朋友为自己的福祉信心是很重要的. 如果你有关注的是,儿童或青少年,目前在滥用或可能滥用的情况,那么年轻的人的福祉必须是首要关注的问题. 您可能需要考虑与人谁知道关于儿童保护的进一步交谈. 尽量不要做出承诺,你不能保持.

获得自己的支持

支持的人谁经历了儿童性虐待或性侵犯后,将放置额外要求. 它因此,你照顾好自己是很重要的. 抛开时间来放松,并确保您从事任何养精蓄锐活动. 正如有人提供支持,你也可以从与辅导员谁可以帮助你处理感情和探索您的选择受益交谈. 记住,你是比较能将会为您提供帮助给别人更强,更好的支持.

亲密的合作伙伴信息

如果你是谁一直遭受性暴力的男人的亲密伴侣, 要知道,在现在的行为可以带回难受的回忆,引发强烈的情感. Sometimes he will not want to be sexual, or even close and physically affectionate. At other times becoming physically close and sexually intimate may be welcomed. 如果您不确定自己需要什么, 请在行动前, 并认识到他想要的东西可能会很快改变. 还, it is important to ensure that your choices are also respected, and to remember that there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. 现实情况是,关系最好的工作,在双方感觉支持, 能够讨论的选项,并有自己喜欢的事情做受人尊敬的方法.

Check our our page When your partner discloses sexual abuse for more information on this topic.

 

19 评论

  1. Comment by Snave

    Snave 回复 四月 10, 2016 1:50 下午

    Please help. My husband early on in our marriage about a year and a half ago told me he was sexually abused by his priest when he was younger.

    This is our second marriage. Both of us have been married before and we are always having conflict. He becomes violent whenever I try to get emotionally connected with him. He always says he wants divorce. He behaves in strange ways, like kissing me on the cheek instead of the lips because he confuses me with his ex wife who was sick and he didn’t want to kiss me on the lips and get sick thinking I was sick. He acts psychopathic and seems to protect his ex wife more than our relationship.

    The latest tragedy was he got upset with me for texting him and his ex wife, telling both of them to stop communicating so much, as they had made plans for their boys to go with her Easter morning, when I had been trying to make plans for all of us (our family of 7, my husband and I and our 5 孩子) to go to church Easter morning and he kept ignoring me.

    I don’t understand his strange behavior and he becomes abusive with me. He got so angry with me the night before Easter that he struck me and caused a laceration on my face. I called the police and now for the umpteenth time he wants divorce. He cannot have a disagreement with me without saying he hates me, wants me out of the house, or wants a divorce.

    I don’t know how to help or what to do. I feel as if I need to divorce him, but it is hard as I think his problem is his being sexually abused by his priest. He refuses to get help. I don’t know what else I can possibly do other than to divorce him at this point.

    Please help. I love him and feel sorry for him. 我不知道该怎么办. I beg for divine intervention. A miracle. Something!!!! 请…….

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 四月 15, 2016 10:29 上

      Hi Snave,

      Thanks for reaching out for some support, and for sharing your story. I know that its’t easy and I really want to commend you for that.

      这听起来像一个真正的困难局面. I am hearing that you are concerned about your husband’s past experience of sexual abuse, his current behaviour and how this affecting your relationship in an ongoing way.

      You said that this is a second marriage for both of you and that you have a blended family. It will be useful for you to make sure you are both supported in thinking through what your options and priorities are, and deciding where to from here. 这是有益的,如果你清楚你想要什么样的关系, 什么样的期望有关于合作伙伴的行为在这种关系中, 以及如何献爱心, 关怀和尊重对方. 这将意味着制定和被清楚说明是什么,是不能接受的行为. Providing a clear message about what your expectations and limits are is important for both of you.

      所有的关系可以面对,可以采取一些困难的工作了, 一个人是否被性侵犯或不. 最重要的是,每个合伙人的责任需要自己,有一个共同的理解和承诺使这支持, 照顾, 这同时适用于你们尊重的关系.

      Snave I’m hearing that you have so much care and concern for your husband, however I need to be clear that his violent behaviour is not okay. 你上面所描述的是亲密伴侣暴力, 或家庭暴力. A history of sexual abuse does not ’causeviolent behaviourthat is his choice.

      You mentioned that you texted both your husband and his ex-wife to tell them not to communicate with each other so much. I’m guessing this was a ‘last resorttactic to get his attention, as you said he had been ignoring your attempts to communicate with him about this. I’m wondering if you have tried to talk to him calmly and openly about your feelings around thisoften when we become vulnerable about how someone’s actions make us feel deep down this can get more results than making demands about specific behaviours we want to stop.

      I would like to invite you to check out our page 合作伙伴的信息: 关系的挑战 which has some strategies that might be helpful (in the comments section as well as the main content).

      It looks like you are in the USA so we can’t provide you with counselling directly, however I wonder if the two of you would be open to getting some support, assistance and advice together with a professional counsellor? It can be very helpful to talk these thoughts and feelings through with someone who can help.

      最后, please prioritise your own self care through this. I know you want to support him, and I’m thinking that right an important way to do that is to ensure you have the resilience and strength to do so. That means doing things that improve your own well-being.

      Our partners in the USA have some more info relevant to you both on http://www.1in6.org.

      祝您好运, Snave.

  2. Comment by Donna

    Donna 回复 四月 20, 2016 9:34 下午

    Dear Gary,
    I married Tim 4 几年前, this is our second marriage for the both of us. Tim and I went to school 30 years ago togeather. Tim was sexually abused by a babysitter when he was 6.

    I found out about the porn before we were married. He told me he’s no longer looking but every time I leave he’s on the internet telling me he’s only checking emails. I found out on the computer he had a dating site that he said he forgot was still there.

    I don’t get it, he tells me he loves me, there’s only me, that he cares for no one else. Our intimacy is great, he is always holding my hand or hugging me, always holding my hand in public or telling me I’m so beautiful. He told me he is not looking.

    I asked him to cut off the internet for a while he said no that no one is going to tell him what to do. I told him I wasn’t, but to help us get through this. He said, let it go Donna it’s been 5 岁月. I told him it wasn’t that easy.

    We are going to counselling now, he said I will do what ever it takes. Am I overreacting to this? Have I become obsessed with this? I have a Aeortic Anysurim and they think it has grown. I’m scared for me and I’m scared Tim is not being truthful.
    Thank you for responding,
    Donna

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 五月 5, 2016 1:11 下午

      Hi Donna,

      My name is Jess and I’m a counsellor for Living Well. First I want to thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for some support. I know how difficult that can be; it takes a lot of strength and courage.

      I got the clear message from your story that you and Tim care about each other so much, that this is demonstrated in many ways from each of you. I think that care and love is what is prompting this concern on your part, so no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction or an obsession. I think you simply want what’s best for Tim, for yourself and for your relationship. You want it to be healthy, 开, honest and supportive.

      It seems that Tim does also, as he has been quite open with you about his experiences (哪, involving sexual abuse, is never easy for a man, with the additional barriers and stereotypes they often face). I’m hearing though that he may be facing a continuing struggle with porn and internet chat sites. I first want to let you know that this is not unusual for men who have experienced sexual abuse. Experiencing unwanted sexual contact as a young person can have lasting impacts on a person’s experience of and feelings about sex and sexual intimacy. Porn and the internet can seem to be a “安全” way to try to get through the extra layers of confusion and pain.

      I’m so pleased to hear you are attending counselling together. I think this can be a space for you to be clear about your hopes, needs and expectations for this relationship, and to be clear with him that while you want to be closer to him, his use of porn is something that is ultimately pushing you apart. It can be helpful to talk about sensitive topics like this in terms of your own feelings, and how his behaviour is impacting you, rather than allowing frustration to take over and making demands (even if they are well-meant), 哪, as I’ve gathered from your comment, has resulted in defensiveness from him in the past. Allow him to acknowledge that the choices he is making are hurting you, and that it is this hurt that is prompting the fear and the suspicion. Hopefully he will then be able to see clearly that you are nottelling him what to do” – you simply don’t want to lose him, and that he can make different choices about his behaviour.

      Donna please take care of yourself in this difficult time. Make your own self care a priority, to build within yourself the resilience that will help you cope.
      祝您好运,
      桎梏

  3. Comment by Maria

    Maria 回复 六月 12, 2016 10:24 上

    My brother was abused by his teacher in grade 9. Now he is 30 and he has now disclosed this when we asked him to get married. He feels he cannot have relationship with his wife. He doesn’t want to go to any psychiatrist. Please tell me how can I help him, as I want him to start his life and be happy!
    Concerned sister.

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 六月 16, 2016 1:39 下午

      Hi Maria,
      Thanks for reaching out for some assistance.

      I’m hearing that you care very much for your brother and want to help him, and I really want to commend you for researching ways you can do that! Ultimately the decision to seek support in processing his abuse, or to work towards developing a relationship, is up to him. It may be that he is not ready, and until he gets to that point on his own, the best way you can help him is to accept him, be there when he does feel ready to talk, and be patient with him. Keep in mind that there is no one way of working things out; it very much depends on the person.

      It seems you are already doing what you can to help himdoing some reading to learn what he is going through. Some more pages that might be helpful include this one on men and intimacy, which outlines some reasons why he may be struggling with the idea of getting married just yet. Perhaps also these words of advice from men on how loved ones can best support them. 最后, although it is aimed at partners, this this information on disclosure of sexual abuse may also be helpful for any loved ones, including a concerned sister.

      Best of luck Maria, and remember to take care of yourself too.

  4. Comment by Amber M

    Amber M 回复 六月 21, 2016 8:50 下午

    My husband just disclosed to me last night. The perpetrator was a female friend to us both. It occurred about 6 years ago while my spouse was blackout drunk. We must navigate a strange medical support system to get to a therapist as he’s active duty military as is the perpetrator. I myself am a veteran. There’s restricted reporting where the military records that an incident took place, but no information goes public nor are charges brought forth. I’m very familiar with CSA and wrote a book on it for grad school, however this (rape as a male adult) I have no idea how to handle correctly. I myself have been in therapy for bad anxiety (unrelated) and am in the process of tapering off of an anxiety medication with my psychiatrist’s guidance. I feel overwhelmed and alone as it is his private story. I feel the need to schedule an appointment for myself to talk all of these emotions out. I want to be a solid support system. I feel like I’m doing this wrong!

  5. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany 回复 六月 22, 2016 3:02 下午

    您好, my husband was abused by his stepdad at 7. I’m his 2nd wife and we are heading for divorce. He thinks he has to have multiple partners. I believe he is confused, in the ways he wants sex and sometimes things he looks up, not that he wants a man. He told me he made him do horrible things he can’t speak of. But he won’t get help. He has always felt his children and I would be better off with out him, and that he is, in his words, 一 “in our way, a bother.I know he loves me but I can’t do it anymore, it has been 11 years together and it was like this when I met him, it ruined his last marriage. It’s hard to leave, not that I want to but he is unfaithful, and that is scary. I don’t want to abandon him as he feels everyone else has done. He doesn’t even speak to his mom. Please help with advice, I want my family and I want him to be happy!

  6. Comment by Ellen

    回复 六月 30, 2016 5:34 上

    Thank you for your article. I am in the very early stages of what we feel will be a serious long term relationship. my boyfriend and I are in the early days and have not got to the physical stage. we are in our 50s. he explained he was forced to have sex with his mother, who allowed it, when he was a very young teen. I am glad that he has told me, and feel so sad for what happened when he was a young boy. I am a mother of children myself.

    I have not asked questions, but have just left him to talk as and when he wishesI just would like to know if there is anything I can do, try to understand or help if and when he needs it? I want so much to be able to do the right thing for him as he means so much to me, and would be grateful for any further reading or information. We have both been married before and have children, and I myself was physically abused (not sexually) as a child. I just want to make sure I am there for him in any way and to understand his needs regards to this. He means a lot to me. 谢谢.

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 一月 11, 2017 12:21 下午

      Hi Ellen,
      Thank you for your comment. It is wonderful that you are doing some reading and seeking to learn how best to support your partner. To be honest it sounds like you are already being incredibly supportive, understanding and loving. You said you have to far not pressed him about it, but have let him talk about it at his own pace. That sounds like a helpful way of approaching it, and if you have read this article then you know too some simple listening strategies you can use to ensure he feels heard and accepted.

      You mentioned you would like some further reading. I’d like to suggest some of the pages in the 对于合作伙伴 section of this website. There are several articles on how to support a loved one who has disclosed sexual abuse. I hope they are of some help.
      照顾自己.

  7. Comment by Cadence

    Cadence 回复 七月 11, 2016 6:09 下午

    您好, I’m seeking advice.

    My boyfriend just opened up to me a few hours ago about being sexually abused when he was younger. We are both seventeen and I have been as well, by two different boyfriends a few years ago. I know the circumstances are different for women than they are for men. He hasn’t told me very much about it, just that it happened multiple times. He says he’s repressed many memories of it. He’s currently in counseling and takes medication for anxiety and depression, however he keeps forgetting to take it.

    I guess what I’m wondering is what to say if it comes up again. I have many questions I’d like to ask him but am not sure if that’s a wise idea. I’d like to help him in any way I can, but I’m not quite sure how to do so.

    Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 九月 2, 2016 11:31 上

      Hi Cadence,
      Thanks for your comment, and good on you for doing some research. I think it shows how much you do care for your boyfriend, and want to support him. I’m sure that position is something he will be picking up from you, which in itself would be really helpful for him.

      If it does come up again, the best thing you can do is to simply continue to be your caring self. Demonstrate that care, and the empathy you have for him. Listen to him in a nonjudgmental way, and let him know you’re there for him. Let him go at his own pacealthough it sounds like you’re already doing that. Encourage him to take care of himself, encourage him that healing and hope are possible. It is very hopeful and encouraging that he is opening up and sharing his feelings and experiences to you and to a counsellor and you can reflect that back to him to encourage him to continue on that journey.

      We have a list of articles for partners that might be helpful in becoming informed and learning how to respond helpfully.

      Best of luck Cadence.

  8. Comment by Tay

    Tay 回复 七月 12, 2016 12:36 下午

    I am engaged. We have been together for about a year. He told me of his sexual abuse by a family member when he was 8. He never wants to go into detail about it and almost always refuses to talk about it.

    He gets in these moods where he is just sad. He is very quiet and doesn’t have many friends or a close relationship to his family. When he told me about the abuse for the first time he kept repeating that he wasn’t gay and he didn’t know what was happening. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother and doesn’t want her to know. It is affecting him severely enough that he has suicidal thoughts and horrible depressive episodes.

    I know that talking about it will only help him heal and I feel that he needs to talk with his mother. I can’t force him because he is holding on to the tiny emotional attachment they have. She is very self absorbed and appearing that her family is perfect is more important than it actually being. She constantly sweeps things under the rug, such as who his father is.

    I just need to know how to get him to tell her what happened and how he is feeling about it all. I mean he told me within months of our relationship and he can’t tell her. That says a lot about the depth of their relationship. It’s emotionally draining, because when he’s hurting so am I. Thinking of not having him around haunts me everyday. How can I help him heal without being pushy?

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 七月 15, 2016 10:11 上

      Hi Tay,
      Thanks so much for getting in touch, and seeking some advice around this difficult and sensitive issue. It shows how much you care about your fiance and how much you want to support him.

      I think it says a lot that your fiance was able to talk to you of his history of abuse. This indicates how deeply he trusts you. Many men never speak about their abuse to anyone.

      It sounds as though he and his mother have a difficult relationship. If she tends to sweep things under the rug, and make things about herself, then I’m not sure that her reaction to his disclosure would be at all helpful for him. I’m guessing he is aware of this, and that is why he has chosen not to tell her. Ultimately it is his decision.

      其实, many men have come forward to say that it is not helpful to be pressured to talk about it. Talking about it can be a way to promote recovery, but not for everyone.

      I know it’s hard for you, because you very much want to see him heal and move on, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him do so at his own pace. Be there for him as you have been. Suggest he seek help from a counsellor experienced in this area if it seems his depression doesn’t improve, but acknowledge that the decision needs to come from him and his own readiness.

      Please know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself in this time. Check out some of our other pages for partners, 包括 When your partner discloses sexual abuse, 和 合作伙伴: 关系的挑战.

      祝您好运, Tay

  9. Comment by Tori

    Tori 回复 九月 15, 2016 4:32 上

    您好 – my 38 year old boyfriend of seven years just recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused by his older sister when he was 8 岁. I don’t know the specifics of the abuse but he has had a drug problem on and off for the last 20 years that I suspect is closely related to the abuse. He has recently relapsed and is in counseling to deal with the drug abuse (and hopefully the sexual abuse as well although he hasn’t spoken to his therapist about it yet). He also informed me that about 10 years ago he tried to tell his parents about the abuse but they didn’t believe him.
    There is a history of abuse and incest in his family (his father sexually molested one, if not two, of his sisters, including the sister who abused my boyfriend). I’m so incredibly shocked and angry at the family members who knew about the abuse for allowing him to essentially self destruct rather than helping him with the trauma he experienced. I feel that they swept the abuse under the rug and ignored it in an effort for self preservation and thereby caused him to deteriorate and be in so much pain for the last 30 岁月.
    I think that him disclosing this information to me has opened a festering wound and as of now, he’s in a very bad mental and emotional state. At this point I feel that I’m the only person he really trusts as his trust in his family is essentially gone. My first inclination is to separate him from his family (mainly due to their unwillingness to recognize the abuse and help him with it) but I’m not sure that would be helpful. He has agreed and is willing and eager to continue counseling but do you think that a temporary separation from his family would be helpful for him?

  10. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany 回复 十一月 8, 2016 1:28 上

    Thanks so much for all the helpful information. My husband has struggled on and off with pornography through our 16 year relationship. He just disclosed to me 6 months ago that he was raped when he was 10. That is all he has said and he doesn’t want to talk about it or go to counseling. I don’t want to push him but I am fearful that it is all going to crash down on him someday. He says he has learned to deal with it and he’s fine. Does everyone need to go to counseling or do some people heal on their own? And should i try to get him to talk more to me about it or just let him know I’m here with no judgement of he wants to talk. But the pornography is really hard to handle of he starts doing that again.

  11. Comment by Selena

    Selena 回复 一月 7, 2017 12:36 下午

    您好,

    My boyfriend just told me this past weekend that his brother sexually abused and molested him when he was 7 and his brother was 12. We have been together for almost 4 多年. He only told me, and recently one other friend, because he said he had just thought about it. He had been repressing these memories for more than 20 岁月. He said that he didn’t want to tell me about it because he didn’t want me to hate his brother. He has a very close family, and I would have never in a million years ever thought that his brother could of done this to him when they were younger. His brother’s family have stayed with us multiple times and I would have never thought twice about him. Now I am very worried that he might still be molester and he has 4 kids. Am I wrong in thinking that this might be the case? My boyfriend says that he doesn’t want to keep talking about it because he just wants to forget about it, but at the same time he wants to find some sort of resolution for it and confront his brother. I guess I am just absolutely disgusted and flabbergasted and I don’t want to talk to his brother ever again. I know that that would hurt him though because he still somehow loves his brother. I guess I am looking for advice, I cannot stop thinking of this situation and I keep seeing his brothers face over and over again in my mind and becoming more and more enraged and disgusted. Help.

  12. Comment by Lee

    背风处 回复 一月 14, 2017 12:29 上

    My partner of over a year is haphephobic and I believe has been the victim of a childhood sexual abuse. He carries guilt and shame like a cloak. I know he loves me. He is an incredible man and one of the best fathers i have ever met. He hasn’t told me this is so. I have seen porn on his browser history and shemales. He would probably be mortified if he thought I knew this. Sex is always at his discretion, and often he will declare ‘personal spaceif i touch him sexually without him instigating it first. He is apologetic about this and before realising that something might have occurred in his past, I have to say I felt hugely rejected.
    I’m wondering how to broach the subject with him. His motheraccording to his older brotherappears to be in an unnatural relationship (kissing on the mouth etc) with their younger brother who is also an adult. He doesn’t speak to his mother.
    I know it’s taken a long time for him to find someone he trusts. I don’t want to stuff this up and I want him to be rid of these demons that haunt him. How do I help and support him please?

    • Comment by Brenton [生活好员工]

      Brenton [生活好员工] 回复 三月 24, 2017 12:27 下午

      Hi Lee, thank you for getting in touch.

      From what I’ve read, you have felt rejection from your partner in the past, which was lessened by the possibility that he has a history of trauma that might explain his discomfort with touch. I can also understand the sense of pressure you might feel to support him in a way that doesn’t overcome him with shame, and that offers the best chance of improving your life together.

      It can take a long time for men to come forward, for a number of reasons. As you have already identified, the main one will be shame, but also acknowledging that it happened can (in the short term) increase difficulties like intrusive thoughts, 噩梦, 和 倒叙.

      I would recommend building the relationship up as an important first step. Spend more time together one on one, even if it’s just going for a walk, checking out a new cafe, or connecting over a glass of wine in the evenings.

      During your time together talk about what you might hope for the future of the relationship, in terms of things like time spent together, shared activities, intimacy and vulnerability. You might talk about how open you want to be with each other, barriers to that openness, and even what you might like in terms of physical intimacy.

      I would ensure to lead the charge in being open yourself, so that you can be a model what this looks like. Building rapport like this in the relationship may even prove to be healing in itself, and will certainly increase the likelihood of further closeness for you both. It is often thought that in order to get over sexual abuse, one has to go over the abuse again, and achieve abreakthroughthat frees you from your past. This is not necessarily true for everyone.

      Instead for now, I would recommend focusing on making things good between you.. and taking care of yourself.

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