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Supporting men's disclosureこの情報シートを読んでいるなら、それはあなたが経験豊かな児童の性的虐待を持っている人知っている人を助けることができる方法についての詳細を学ぶことに興味を持っている可能性がある. または代わりに, 彼はあなたが彼にサポートを提供することができる人であると考えているので、知っている人はあなたにこのシートを与えたかもしれない. あなたが経験豊富な児童の性的虐待や性的暴行を持っていることを誰かに伝えることは容易ではありません. どのように子どもの性的虐待や性的暴行の開示が発生し、それがどのように応答するには、かなり幸福男の未来に影響を与えることができる. 残念なことに, 研究では、以上のことを示し 70% 子供の頃性的虐待を経験している男性の誰にも話​​していません. 性的虐待や性的暴行の男性の開示に影響を与えることができるかについての情報は以下の通りです, あなたは彼が自分の世話をするために継続しながら支援することができるかもしれない方法としていくつかの提案と一緒に.

情報開示への障壁

少年と男性, 少女や女性のような, 一般的に幼児期の性的虐待や性的暴行を話すことはありません. 性的暴力について話すために、男性の能力は、さらに男らし約ステレオタイプに関連した問題の影響を受けているが, セクシュアリティに関する同性愛嫌悪と混乱, 男は虐待の加害者になる懸念, と男性のための目に見えるサポートの欠如. 男性は私たちのページに直面する障壁の詳細なリストをチェックアウトする時間がかかるしてください 男性と開示: 言うことを決定する.

開示を促すことが物事

男性と少年たちは、虐待の話から、がっかりすることができるのと同じように, 従って、特定のイベントは、男性が自分の経験を話すことにつながることができます. 性的虐待の開示によって促すことができる:

  • 虐待についての映画を見たり、性的虐待に関する公の議論を聞いて (例えば, キッズヘルプライン広告, 「謎の皮膚」のような映画).
  • 友人の開示, パートナー, 家族や男性のグループのメンバー.
  • 性的虐待を犯した人を見て, 聞いたり、虐待が発生した場所を訪れる.
  • 親になって, または乱用が犯されたときに男がいた時代を回す子供に近いこと.
  • 関係は故障した場合やパートナーが生き残るためには関係のためにあなたがカウンセラーを見なければならないと主張した場合.
  • 虐待や暴行への公的問い合わせがある場合は (e.g. 王立委員会, フォルゲ問い合わせ).
  • 警察に連絡する場合には、起訴のためのさらなる証拠を求めて.
  • フラッシュバックを通じて攻撃を追体験, 悪夢, など.
  • 健康上の問題や物理的チェックアップ (e.g. 前立腺検査の提案).
  • パートナーが支援とご理解を提供していたとき.
  • 男はそれに対処するか、死ななければならない感じるとき!

あなたは助けることができる方法

あなたが専門家であるか、性的暴力を経験している人を助けることができるようにと言って、すべての正しいことを知っている必要はありません. 男はあなたと問題を提起したという事実は、彼はあなたが助けることができる誰かであると考えていることを示します.

支える人として、あなたは性的暴力を経験している人を助けることに重要な役割を果たすことができる. 誰かをサポートする設定方法はありません. それぞれの人が何が起こったのかに異なって反応し、異なる時間にヘルプの種類を目指します.

実用的な支援

それだけでなく、人間が必要とするかもしれない感情的なサポートです. 提供するのは役に立つかもしれません、いくつかの簡単な実用的なアイデアが会社を含む, 予定への輸送, 育児, 食料品の買い物や料理食事. それはあなたが、彼がしたいかについて人と話をし、彼と一緒に確認することが重要である. 利用されることにより, 患者と理解, あなたは彼の人生に性的暴力の影響を減らすために人を支援することができます.

聞く

Photo of people talking 彼が言っていることに耳を傾け. 彼は彼のペースで話してみましょう, 彼はで快適なようにと多くの情報を明らかにする. 彼を中断したり、多くの質問をしないようにしてください. 多くの質問を求めたということは尋問されるように感じることができる. 彼はしばらくの間話をしなくなった場合心配しないでください – 沈黙は大丈夫です. あなたは、ギャップを埋めるためにある急ぐ必要はありません. あなたは、すべての詳細を知る必要はありません, 志願しているよりも、実際のイベントの詳細情報を求めるしないようにしよう.

彼を信じて

あなたが彼を信じることを彼が知っていることが重要です. 人々は性的虐待についての物語を構成していることはほとんどありません. それはあなたの言うことを考えることも重要です. あなたが影響を受けているでしょう, 我々はすべて持っているよう, 性的虐待についての我々の社会の中で多くの助けにならない神話で, したがって、それはすぐに瞬時に頭に入ってくるものを言うことは有用ではないかもしれません. 任意の助けにならない神話を強化回避しよう. (ページを参照してください 役に立たない信念).

Stay calm

あなた自身の感情が含まれているようにしてください. ショック恐怖の感情を許可しない, 怒り, サポートを提供するからあなたを停止するには怒りや嫌悪. 男は、彼が言及すべきではないことを彼の拒絶としてこれらの感情の発現を誤解または性的虐待が恥ずかしい/ひどい/嫌な話題であるという信念のた​​めにサポートすることができました.

あなたは圧倒さ感じている場合, そう言うと自分の考えを呼吸して収集に時間がかかる. あなたは何を彼が話していることは人を傷つけるし、苦痛であることを理解することを彼に伝える, しかし、あなたは彼と一緒に時間を費やすことをいとわないこと. 虐待を犯した人が家族や誰かが近い場合があることに注意してください, 男はそれらの方に矛盾する感情を持つことができ、あなたがそれらについてのことを手厳しいと言う場合、それは役に立たないかもしれません. それは感情のあなたの表現は、彼が通って、あなたが彼と一緒に動揺していないことであったものに関連することを説明するのに便利です.

安心, 一貫性と信頼性

彼があなたと話しているあなたが喜んでいることを人に知らせる. 彼は何が起こったかの一部に責任を感じてのことを伝えている場合, 聞くと、彼はこのことを考えることができる方法を理解しようとする時間を取る. これは、彼が将来的にカウンセラーとを通じて話かもしれない何かであることをRecognise, 彼はあなたを伝え何割引はありません. あなたが彼の感情や不安について話すが困難であることを理解することを彼に伝える, しかしあなたは、彼があなたと話をするあなたは十分に信頼していることを満足していること.

ただそこにある一貫したサポートを提供することが重要です, 浮き沈みがあり得ることを考える, 良い期間と難しい時期, でも、1日で. 物事はすぐに改善されない場合, 彼は精神的に病気になってきていることを前提としていません. 覚えている, 時には物事は、彼らが良くなる前に悪くなるように見える. 一貫した信頼性のあることは、それ自体がとの肯定的な影響を持つことができます.

制限の機密性を提供しています

あなたに開示されている情報はに対して処理し、秘密に保持されることが重要である. あなたが彼の期待は以前に、彼が他の誰とあなたに言ったのか共有しているのかについて彼に相談していることを確認してください. 彼はおそらくあなたが彼の明示的な許可なしで他人には何も言いたくないでしょう.

守秘義務に関しては彼の期待を介して話をで, それは誰もが任意の現在の危険にある場合を考慮すると、あなた自身が幸福のためにカウンセラーとの信頼や信頼できる友人に話をする必要があるかもしれないかについて議論することが重要です. あなたは子供や思春期の虐待または潜在的虐待の状況に現在あることに懸念を持っている場合は、若い人の健康は一番の関心事でなければなりません. あなたは、児童保護を知っている誰かと話をさらに検討する必要があるかもしれません. あなたが保つことができない約束をしないようにしてください.

自分自身のためのサポートを受ける

子どもの性的虐待や性的暴行を経験している人をサポートするあなたに余分な要求を配置します. それはあなたが自分の世話をすることが重要である. リラックスする時間を脇に置くと、あなたのバッテリーを充電する活動に従事することを確認. 誰かの提供のサポートとして、あなたはまた、プロセスの感情を助け、あなたの選択を探索することができカウンセラーと話の恩恵を受ける可能性があり. 覚えておいては、より強く、より良いあなたが誰かに援助を提供することになりますそれ以上のことができますサポート.

親密なパートナーのための情報

あなたは性的暴力を受けた人の親密なパートナーである場合, 現在のアクションに戻っ不快な思い出とトリガー強い感情をもたらすことができることに注意してください. Sometimes he will not want to be sexual, or even close and physically affectionate. At other times becoming physically close and sexually intimate may be welcomed. あなたは彼が望んでいるかについて不明な点がある場合, 演技前にお問い合わせ, とどのような彼が望んでいることは非常に迅速に変更される可能性があることを認識. また, it is important to ensure that your choices are also respected, and to remember that there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. 現実には、両当事者は、サポートされている感じどこに関係が最適に動作するということです, オプションを議論し、尊敬物事の彼らの好みの方法を持つことができる.

Check our our page When your partner discloses sexual abuse for more information on this topic.

 

19 注釈

  1. Comment by Snave

    Snave 応答 4月 10, 2016 1:50 午後

    Please help. My husband early on in our marriage about a year and a half ago told me he was sexually abused by his priest when he was younger.

    This is our second marriage. Both of us have been married before and we are always having conflict. He becomes violent whenever I try to get emotionally connected with him. He always says he wants divorce. He behaves in strange ways, like kissing me on the cheek instead of the lips because he confuses me with his ex wife who was sick and he didn’t want to kiss me on the lips and get sick thinking I was sick. He acts psychopathic and seems to protect his ex wife more than our relationship.

    The latest tragedy was he got upset with me for texting him and his ex wife, telling both of them to stop communicating so much, as they had made plans for their boys to go with her Easter morning, when I had been trying to make plans for all of us (our family of 7, my husband and I and our 5 子供) to go to church Easter morning and he kept ignoring me.

    I don’t understand his strange behavior and he becomes abusive with me. He got so angry with me the night before Easter that he struck me and caused a laceration on my face. I called the police and now for the umpteenth time he wants divorce. He cannot have a disagreement with me without saying he hates me, wants me out of the house, or wants a divorce.

    I don’t know how to help or what to do. I feel as if I need to divorce him, but it is hard as I think his problem is his being sexually abused by his priest. He refuses to get help. I don’t know what else I can possibly do other than to divorce him at this point.

    Please help. I love him and feel sorry for him. 私が何をすべきか分からない. I beg for divine intervention. A miracle. Something!!!! してください…….

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 4月 15, 2016 10:29 上の

      Hi Snave,

      Thanks for reaching out for some support, and for sharing your story. I know that its’t easy and I really want to commend you for that.

      それは本当に困難な状況のように聞こえる. I am hearing that you are concerned about your husband’s past experience of sexual abuse, his current behaviour and how this affecting your relationship in an ongoing way.

      You said that this is a second marriage for both of you and that you have a blended family. It will be useful for you to make sure you are both supported in thinking through what your options and priorities are, and deciding where to from here. あなたが欲しいどのような関係について明確である場合は便利です, 何の期待パートナーがこの関係でどのように動作するかとの関係である, そして、どのように愛を示す, お互いのためのケアと尊敬. これはワークアウトとされ、許容可能な動作ではありませんものとして明確なものを意味します. Providing a clear message about what your expectations and limits are is important for both of you.

      すべての関係は、いくつかの作業を取り出すことができ困難に直面することができます, 人が性的虐待されているか否か. 重要なのは、各パートナーが自分で責任を取ることであり、これを支持することに共通の理解とコミットメントがあります, 思いやり, あなたの両方のために働く敬意関係.

      Snave I’m hearing that you have so much care and concern for your husband, however I need to be clear that his violent behaviour is not okay. あなたが上記のことは親密なパートナーの暴力である, または家庭内暴力. A history of sexual abuse does not ’causeviolent behaviourthat is his choice.

      You mentioned that you texted both your husband and his ex-wife to tell them not to communicate with each other so much. I’m guessing this was a ‘last resorttactic to get his attention, as you said he had been ignoring your attempts to communicate with him about this. I’m wondering if you have tried to talk to him calmly and openly about your feelings around thisoften when we become vulnerable about how someone’s actions make us feel deep down this can get more results than making demands about specific behaviours we want to stop.

      I would like to invite you to check out our page パートナー向け情報: 関係の課題 which has some strategies that might be helpful (in the comments section as well as the main content).

      It looks like you are in the USA so we can’t provide you with counselling directly, however I wonder if the two of you would be open to getting some support, assistance and advice together with a professional counsellor? It can be very helpful to talk these thoughts and feelings through with someone who can help.

      ついに, please prioritise your own self care through this. I know you want to support him, and I’m thinking that right an important way to do that is to ensure you have the resilience and strength to do so. That means doing things that improve your own well-being.

      Our partners in the USA have some more info relevant to you both on http://www.1in6.org.

      Best of luck, Snave.

  2. Comment by Donna

    Donna 応答 4月 20, 2016 9:34 午後

    Dear Gary,
    I married Tim 4 数年前に, this is our second marriage for the both of us. Tim and I went to school 30 years ago togeather. Tim was sexually abused by a babysitter when he was 6.

    I found out about the porn before we were married. He told me he’s no longer looking but every time I leave he’s on the internet telling me he’s only checking emails. I found out on the computer he had a dating site that he said he forgot was still there.

    I don’t get it, he tells me he loves me, there’s only me, that he cares for no one else. Our intimacy is great, he is always holding my hand or hugging me, always holding my hand in public or telling me I’m so beautiful. He told me he is not looking.

    I asked him to cut off the internet for a while he said no that no one is going to tell him what to do. I told him I wasn’t, but to help us get through this. He said, let it go Donna it’s been 5 年. I told him it wasn’t that easy.

    We are going to counselling now, he said I will do what ever it takes. Am I overreacting to this? Have I become obsessed with this? I have a Aeortic Anysurim and they think it has grown. I’m scared for me and I’m scared Tim is not being truthful.
    Thank you for responding,
    Donna

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 5月 5, 2016 1:11 午後

      Hi Donna,

      My name is Jess and I’m a counsellor for Living Well. First I want to thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for some support. I know how difficult that can be; it takes a lot of strength and courage.

      I got the clear message from your story that you and Tim care about each other so much, that this is demonstrated in many ways from each of you. I think that care and love is what is prompting this concern on your part, so no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction or an obsession. I think you simply want what’s best for Tim, for yourself and for your relationship. You want it to be healthy, オープン, honest and supportive.

      It seems that Tim does also, as he has been quite open with you about his experiences (その, involving sexual abuse, is never easy for a man, with the additional barriers and stereotypes they often face). I’m hearing though that he may be facing a continuing struggle with porn and internet chat sites. I first want to let you know that this is not unusual for men who have experienced sexual abuse. Experiencing unwanted sexual contact as a young person can have lasting impacts on a person’s experience of and feelings about sex and sexual intimacy. Porn and the internet can seem to be a “安全な” way to try to get through the extra layers of confusion and pain.

      I’m so pleased to hear you are attending counselling together. I think this can be a space for you to be clear about your hopes, needs and expectations for this relationship, and to be clear with him that while you want to be closer to him, his use of porn is something that is ultimately pushing you apart. It can be helpful to talk about sensitive topics like this in terms of your own feelings, and how his behaviour is impacting you, rather than allowing frustration to take over and making demands (even if they are well-meant), その, as I’ve gathered from your comment, has resulted in defensiveness from him in the past. Allow him to acknowledge that the choices he is making are hurting you, and that it is this hurt that is prompting the fear and the suspicion. Hopefully he will then be able to see clearly that you are nottelling him what to do” – you simply don’t want to lose him, and that he can make different choices about his behaviour.

      Donna please take care of yourself in this difficult time. Make your own self care a priority, to build within yourself the resilience that will help you cope.
      Best of luck,
      ジェス

  3. Comment by Maria

    Maria 応答 6月 12, 2016 10:24 上の

    My brother was abused by his teacher in grade 9. Now he is 30 and he has now disclosed this when we asked him to get married. He feels he cannot have relationship with his wife. He doesn’t want to go to any psychiatrist. Please tell me how can I help him, as I want him to start his life and be happy!
    Concerned sister.

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 6月 16, 2016 1:39 午後

      Hi Maria,
      Thanks for reaching out for some assistance.

      I’m hearing that you care very much for your brother and want to help him, and I really want to commend you for researching ways you can do that! Ultimately the decision to seek support in processing his abuse, or to work towards developing a relationship, is up to him. It may be that he is not ready, and until he gets to that point on his own, the best way you can help him is to accept him, be there when he does feel ready to talk, and be patient with him. Keep in mind that there is no one way of working things out; it very much depends on the person.

      It seems you are already doing what you can to help himdoing some reading to learn what he is going through. Some more pages that might be helpful include this one on men and intimacy, which outlines some reasons why he may be struggling with the idea of getting married just yet. Perhaps also these words of advice from men on how loved ones can best support them. ついに, although it is aimed at partners, this this information on disclosure of sexual abuse may also be helpful for any loved ones, including a concerned sister.

      Best of luck Maria, and remember to take care of yourself too.

  4. Comment by Amber M

    Amber M 応答 6月 21, 2016 8:50 午後

    My husband just disclosed to me last night. The perpetrator was a female friend to us both. It occurred about 6 years ago while my spouse was blackout drunk. We must navigate a strange medical support system to get to a therapist as he’s active duty military as is the perpetrator. I myself am a veteran. There’s restricted reporting where the military records that an incident took place, but no information goes public nor are charges brought forth. I’m very familiar with CSA and wrote a book on it for grad school, however this (rape as a male adult) I have no idea how to handle correctly. I myself have been in therapy for bad anxiety (unrelated) and am in the process of tapering off of an anxiety medication with my psychiatrist’s guidance. I feel overwhelmed and alone as it is his private story. I feel the need to schedule an appointment for myself to talk all of these emotions out. I want to be a solid support system. I feel like I’m doing this wrong!

  5. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany 応答 6月 22, 2016 3:02 午後

    ハイ, my husband was abused by his stepdad at 7. I’m his 2nd wife and we are heading for divorce. He thinks he has to have multiple partners. I believe he is confused, in the ways he wants sex and sometimes things he looks up, not that he wants a man. He told me he made him do horrible things he can’t speak of. But he won’t get help. He has always felt his children and I would be better off with out him, and that he is, in his words, A “in our way, a bother.I know he loves me but I can’t do it anymore, it has been 11 years together and it was like this when I met him, it ruined his last marriage. It’s hard to leave, not that I want to but he is unfaithful, and that is scary. I don’t want to abandon him as he feels everyone else has done. He doesn’t even speak to his mom. Please help with advice, I want my family and I want him to be happy!

  6. Comment by Ellen

    Ellen 応答 6月 30, 2016 5:34 上の

    Thank you for your article. I am in the very early stages of what we feel will be a serious long term relationship. my boyfriend and I are in the early days and have not got to the physical stage. we are in our 50s. he explained he was forced to have sex with his mother, who allowed it, when he was a very young teen. I am glad that he has told me, and feel so sad for what happened when he was a young boy. I am a mother of children myself.

    I have not asked questions, but have just left him to talk as and when he wishesI just would like to know if there is anything I can do, try to understand or help if and when he needs it? I want so much to be able to do the right thing for him as he means so much to me, and would be grateful for any further reading or information. We have both been married before and have children, and I myself was physically abused (not sexually) as a child. I just want to make sure I am there for him in any way and to understand his needs regards to this. He means a lot to me. ありがとう.

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 1月 11, 2017 12:21 午後

      Hi Ellen,
      Thank you for your comment. It is wonderful that you are doing some reading and seeking to learn how best to support your partner. To be honest it sounds like you are already being incredibly supportive, understanding and loving. You said you have to far not pressed him about it, but have let him talk about it at his own pace. That sounds like a helpful way of approaching it, and if you have read this article then you know too some simple listening strategies you can use to ensure he feels heard and accepted.

      You mentioned you would like some further reading. I’d like to suggest some of the pages in the パートナー向け section of this website. There are several articles on how to support a loved one who has disclosed sexual abuse. I hope they are of some help.
      世話をする.

  7. Comment by Cadence

    Cadence 応答 7月 11, 2016 6:09 午後

    こんにちは, I’m seeking advice.

    My boyfriend just opened up to me a few hours ago about being sexually abused when he was younger. We are both seventeen and I have been as well, by two different boyfriends a few years ago. I know the circumstances are different for women than they are for men. He hasn’t told me very much about it, just that it happened multiple times. He says he’s repressed many memories of it. He’s currently in counseling and takes medication for anxiety and depression, however he keeps forgetting to take it.

    I guess what I’m wondering is what to say if it comes up again. I have many questions I’d like to ask him but am not sure if that’s a wise idea. I’d like to help him in any way I can, but I’m not quite sure how to do so.

    Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 9月 2, 2016 11:31 上の

      Hi Cadence,
      Thanks for your comment, and good on you for doing some research. I think it shows how much you do care for your boyfriend, and want to support him. I’m sure that position is something he will be picking up from you, which in itself would be really helpful for him.

      If it does come up again, the best thing you can do is to simply continue to be your caring self. Demonstrate that care, and the empathy you have for him. Listen to him in a nonjudgmental way, and let him know you’re there for him. Let him go at his own pacealthough it sounds like you’re already doing that. Encourage him to take care of himself, encourage him that healing and hope are possible. It is very hopeful and encouraging that he is opening up and sharing his feelings and experiences to you and to a counsellor and you can reflect that back to him to encourage him to continue on that journey.

      We have a list of articles for partners that might be helpful in becoming informed and learning how to respond helpfully.

      Best of luck Cadence.

  8. Comment by Tay

    Tay 応答 7月 12, 2016 12:36 午後

    I am engaged. We have been together for about a year. He told me of his sexual abuse by a family member when he was 8. He never wants to go into detail about it and almost always refuses to talk about it.

    He gets in these moods where he is just sad. He is very quiet and doesn’t have many friends or a close relationship to his family. When he told me about the abuse for the first time he kept repeating that he wasn’t gay and he didn’t know what was happening. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother and doesn’t want her to know. It is affecting him severely enough that he has suicidal thoughts and horrible depressive episodes.

    I know that talking about it will only help him heal and I feel that he needs to talk with his mother. I can’t force him because he is holding on to the tiny emotional attachment they have. She is very self absorbed and appearing that her family is perfect is more important than it actually being. She constantly sweeps things under the rug, such as who his father is.

    I just need to know how to get him to tell her what happened and how he is feeling about it all. I mean he told me within months of our relationship and he can’t tell her. That says a lot about the depth of their relationship. It’s emotionally draining, because when he’s hurting so am I. Thinking of not having him around haunts me everyday. How can I help him heal without being pushy?

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 7月 15, 2016 10:11 上の

      Hi Tay,
      Thanks so much for getting in touch, and seeking some advice around this difficult and sensitive issue. It shows how much you care about your fiance and how much you want to support him.

      I think it says a lot that your fiance was able to talk to you of his history of abuse. This indicates how deeply he trusts you. Many men never speak about their abuse to anyone.

      It sounds as though he and his mother have a difficult relationship. If she tends to sweep things under the rug, and make things about herself, then I’m not sure that her reaction to his disclosure would be at all helpful for him. I’m guessing he is aware of this, and that is why he has chosen not to tell her. Ultimately it is his decision.

      実際には, many men have come forward to say that it is not helpful to be pressured to talk about it. Talking about it can be a way to promote recovery, but not for everyone.

      I know it’s hard for you, because you very much want to see him heal and move on, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him do so at his own pace. Be there for him as you have been. Suggest he seek help from a counsellor experienced in this area if it seems his depression doesn’t improve, but acknowledge that the decision needs to come from him and his own readiness.

      Please know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself in this time. Check out some of our other pages for partners, 含む When your partner discloses sexual abuse, と パートナーの: 関係の課題.

      Best of luck, Tay

  9. Comment by Tori

    Tori 応答 9月 15, 2016 4:32 上の

    こんにちは – my 38 year old boyfriend of seven years just recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused by his older sister when he was 8 歳. I don’t know the specifics of the abuse but he has had a drug problem on and off for the last 20 years that I suspect is closely related to the abuse. He has recently relapsed and is in counseling to deal with the drug abuse (and hopefully the sexual abuse as well although he hasn’t spoken to his therapist about it yet). He also informed me that about 10 years ago he tried to tell his parents about the abuse but they didn’t believe him.
    There is a history of abuse and incest in his family (his father sexually molested one, if not two, of his sisters, including the sister who abused my boyfriend). I’m so incredibly shocked and angry at the family members who knew about the abuse for allowing him to essentially self destruct rather than helping him with the trauma he experienced. I feel that they swept the abuse under the rug and ignored it in an effort for self preservation and thereby caused him to deteriorate and be in so much pain for the last 30 年.
    I think that him disclosing this information to me has opened a festering wound and as of now, he’s in a very bad mental and emotional state. At this point I feel that I’m the only person he really trusts as his trust in his family is essentially gone. My first inclination is to separate him from his family (mainly due to their unwillingness to recognize the abuse and help him with it) but I’m not sure that would be helpful. He has agreed and is willing and eager to continue counseling but do you think that a temporary separation from his family would be helpful for him?

  10. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany 応答 11月 8, 2016 1:28 上の

    Thanks so much for all the helpful information. My husband has struggled on and off with pornography through our 16 year relationship. He just disclosed to me 6 months ago that he was raped when he was 10. That is all he has said and he doesn’t want to talk about it or go to counseling. I don’t want to push him but I am fearful that it is all going to crash down on him someday. He says he has learned to deal with it and he’s fine. Does everyone need to go to counseling or do some people heal on their own? And should i try to get him to talk more to me about it or just let him know I’m here with no judgement of he wants to talk. But the pornography is really hard to handle of he starts doing that again.

  11. Comment by Selena

    Selena 応答 1月 7, 2017 12:36 午後

    こんにちは,

    My boyfriend just told me this past weekend that his brother sexually abused and molested him when he was 7 and his brother was 12. We have been together for almost 4 years now. He only told me, and recently one other friend, because he said he had just thought about it. He had been repressing these memories for more than 20 年. He said that he didn’t want to tell me about it because he didn’t want me to hate his brother. He has a very close family, and I would have never in a million years ever thought that his brother could of done this to him when they were younger. His brother’s family have stayed with us multiple times and I would have never thought twice about him. Now I am very worried that he might still be molester and he has 4 kids. Am I wrong in thinking that this might be the case? My boyfriend says that he doesn’t want to keep talking about it because he just wants to forget about it, but at the same time he wants to find some sort of resolution for it and confront his brother. I guess I am just absolutely disgusted and flabbergasted and I don’t want to talk to his brother ever again. I know that that would hurt him though because he still somehow loves his brother. I guess I am looking for advice, I cannot stop thinking of this situation and I keep seeing his brothers face over and over again in my mind and becoming more and more enraged and disgusted. Help.

  12. Comment by Lee

    リー 応答 1月 14, 2017 12:29 上の

    My partner of over a year is haphephobic and I believe has been the victim of a childhood sexual abuse. He carries guilt and shame like a cloak. I know he loves me. He is an incredible man and one of the best fathers i have ever met. He hasn’t told me this is so. I have seen porn on his browser history and shemales. He would probably be mortified if he thought I knew this. Sex is always at his discretion, and often he will declare ‘personal spaceif i touch him sexually without him instigating it first. He is apologetic about this and before realising that something might have occurred in his past, I have to say I felt hugely rejected.
    I’m wondering how to broach the subject with him. His motheraccording to his older brotherappears to be in an unnatural relationship (kissing on the mouth etc) with their younger brother who is also an adult. He doesn’t speak to his mother.
    I know it’s taken a long time for him to find someone he trusts. I don’t want to stuff this up and I want him to be rid of these demons that haunt him. How do I help and support him please?

    • Comment by Brenton [リビングまあスタッフ]

      Brenton [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 3月 24, 2017 12:27 午後

      Hi Lee, thank you for getting in touch.

      From what I’ve read, you have felt rejection from your partner in the past, which was lessened by the possibility that he has a history of trauma that might explain his discomfort with touch. I can also understand the sense of pressure you might feel to support him in a way that doesn’t overcome him with shame, and that offers the best chance of improving your life together.

      It can take a long time for men to come forward, for a number of reasons. As you have already identified, the main one will be shame, but also acknowledging that it happened can (in the short term) increase difficulties like intrusive thoughts, 悪夢, と フラッシュバック.

      I would recommend building the relationship up as an important first step. Spend more time together one on one, even if it’s just going for a walk, checking out a new cafe, or connecting over a glass of wine in the evenings.

      During your time together talk about what you might hope for the future of the relationship, in terms of things like time spent together, shared activities, intimacy and vulnerability. You might talk about how open you want to be with each other, barriers to that openness, and even what you might like in terms of physical intimacy.

      I would ensure to lead the charge in being open yourself, so that you can be a model what this looks like. Building rapport like this in the relationship may even prove to be healing in itself, and will certainly increase the likelihood of further closeness for you both. It is often thought that in order to get over sexual abuse, one has to go over the abuse again, and achieve abreakthroughthat frees you from your past. This is not necessarily true for everyone.

      Instead for now, I would recommend focusing on making things good between you.. and taking care of yourself.

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