If your partner was sexually abused, you undoubtedly have many unanswered questions. Here at Living Well we receive a large number of questions and requests for advice from partners, 가족과 성적 학대 나 성폭력을 경험 한 사람의 사랑하는 사람. 이들은 자신의 삶에서 사람에 대한 깊은 관심을 사람들, 과 가장 잘 지원하는 방법에 대한 손실의 비트에. See the comments and questions asked on our page 남성의 파트너를위한 정보, 예로서.
Often a partner is the first person that a man will ever disclose a history of sexual abuse to. We want to acknowledge that this can be challenging and confusing for partners, 그, regardless of the closeness of your relationship, this information can be difficult to process and respond to. Not only do you want to support your loved one, you also need to deal with your own thoughts and feelings about it all.
종종 적절히 대응하는 방법에 주위에 걱정이 많이있다, and also worry about what this may mean for you as individuals, 부부, 또는 가족이.
Sometimes the man discloses the abuse, 또는 당신은 일이있다 추론 그는 그것을 인정, 그러나 그는 다음 그것을 더 논의 할 준비가되어 있지, 홀로 도움을 요청하거나 다른 사람에게. This can be a really uncomfortable place for you to be in, as now you have this information but are unsure what to do with it.
면, as we know, there is not a lot of support out there for men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, then neither is there much information for the people who care about and wish to support these men.
Below are some of the most common questions we get. 우리는 모든 상황이 다르다는 것을 인정, 이들 위에 읽는 동안 마음에 보관하십시오 것을 부탁드립니다. Please also take care of yourself in reading through, as these topics can be confronting.
우리는 일반적으로 단어를 사용했다 “파트너” 당신의 생활에있는 사람을 참조합니다, but these words can apply to any man — friend, 아들, 아버지, 형제, client, or any other man you care about.
그의 행동으로 인해, 나는 내 파트너가 성적으로 학대 한 것 같아요, but he denies it. Is he just hiding it from me?
사람들이 우리에게 기술 한 행동의 일부는 다음과 같습니다:
- 부정, 섹스 중독.
- 섹스를 완료 무관심.
- 비정상적인 성적 또는 sexualised 행동.
- 포르노 중독.
- 소비 동성애 또는 동성 포르노.
- 다른 사람의 성적 학대의 언급에 강한 감정적 반응.
- Depression, 걱정, 자기의 해.
- 알코올이나 다른 약물의 남용.
- 아이들을 향한 매우 보호 행동.
그에게 무슨 일이 많을 것처럼 보일 수 있지만, 정말로 알 방법이 없다, 사람의 현재 동작에서, whether he has been sexually abused in the past.
어려움은, even if your partner demonstrates every single behaviour on a list of 일반적인 성적 학대 사람들에게 문제, it still does not necessarily mean he was sexually abused. There are a great many reasons that could potentially explain why people might engage in different behaviours or have different reactions. 그것은 어느 한 개인의 반응을 예측하기 위해 단순히 불가능합니다, 그래서 확실히 우리에게 말할 것이다 증상에는 체크리스트가 없습니다.
It may indeed be that your suspicions regarding past abuse are right. However unless he is open to talking about it, there is no way for you to be certain. We can only work with what we know for sure.
이 질문은 사실 그게 더 어려워진다, 남자 남용 된 경우, it is something that can feel almost impossible for him to talk about. 많은 남성에 대한 성적 학대 나 성폭력을 공개하지 않습니다 수십 년 after the fact, 만약 지금. 우리의 페이지에서 확인 남자와 공개, 장벽 남자 얼굴의 일부를 설명하는.
그가 말해하지 않을 경우 어떻게해야합니까?
그럼 당신은 당신의 파트너를 의심되거나 하나가 성적으로 학대 또는 폭행 스럽다고 생각한, 하지만 당신은 확실히 모른다. 당신은 이미 그에게 물었다 수도, 그러나 그는 그것에 대해 얘기하지 않을 것이다. 당신은이 상황에있는 경우, there may be things that sadden or concern you about some of his experiences or his responses. You might not know how best to help, 또는이 상황에서 각각의 요구를 탐구하는 방법, 더 화가 원인이없이.
그는 이미 자신이 성적으로 학대 한 사실을 이야기하지 않은 경우, it is generally recommended to not pressure him to talk about it until he is ready. 기억, 이러한 경우 당신은 확실히 모른다, 그러나하더라도, ideally it is his decision to tell or not to tell. 그것은 당신이 그에게 그 결정의 힘을 남겨 중요하다. 는 것을 알고 매우 남자는 공개하기가 어려운. If he is not ready to do so, 그것은 당신에 더 반영하지, or on your relationship with each other.
We have heard from some men that they do not mind being asked, but they do not find it helpful to be pressed about it if they are not yet ready to talk.
It can be very difficult to want to support someone but to feel unable to do so. 그것은 '수정에 당신에 게 아니지만’ 그를, there are ways you can support your partner if he ever does feel ready to broach the subject.
자신의 감정을 의견을 당신의 파트너가 당신이 항상 열려 있는지 알려주십시오, 경험, 생각과 이야기. 오픈에 듣고 준비를, non-judgmental manner.
당신이 느끼는 경우에 그는 당신에게 학대를 공개 할 수 있습니다, take a look at our page 남자와 공개: 당신이 도울 수있는 방법 for some more information about how loved ones can support men through disclosure.
And through all this, above all else, make sure you take care of yourself. Step back for a while and look after your own 안녕 in the here and now. Engaging in self care in this way serves two purposes. The first is that it builds up your resilience and your ability to manage and cope with stress. The second is that it also means you are “modelling” self care for your partner – healthy behaviour tends to be “catching.” In either case, the importance of looking after yourself cannot be overstated.
We acknowledge and appreciate that you want to support and care for your partner, no matter what has happened — but it is important to keep in mind that you cannot make everything alright. Especially if you are losing sight of your own needs.
그의 행동은 부정적으로 나를 영향을 미치고있다, 그래도. 어떻게 다른 내가 그 변경 얻을 수 있습니다?
여부에 관계없이 당신의 파트너 또는 사랑하는 사람 과거에 성적 학대 또는 폭행을 경험했다, you both always have a right to have your wishes, boundaries and desires respected.
가능하다면, 그 관계의 양상은 당신이 얘기하고 싶지가 있음을 알려. 현재에 무슨 일이 일어나고 있는지에 초점, 당신이 수의 관계를 방법을위한 당신의 희망을 함께 논의. This avoids pressuring him into disclosing (또는 거부) 성적 학대의 역사. 이 때까지 별도의 문제를 유지하는 것이 도움이 될 수 있습니다 (그리고 만약) 그는 자신의 과거에 대해 이야기 할 준비가되어 - 그 자신의 과거의 경우이다 이다, 사실로, 관련된. 이 방법을 사용하면 관계가 거라고 생각하는 방법을 표현하는 당신이 권리가 사실의 시력을 유지하는 데 도움이, 그의 제어 성적 희생의 역사를 공개의 문제를 떠나있는 동안.
당신은 당신이 원하는 관계의 종류에 대한 명확한 경우에 유용합니다, 무엇을 기대, 필요, and boundaries or limits you each have. Envision this together — invite him to share his expectations and hopes with you. Talk about how you would prefer you both behave in this relationship, 당신이 어떻게 사랑을 보여, 신경과 서로에 대한 존중. In stating your vision for your life together, and in asking him to share his, you are both making a commitment to this.
Map it out — what it will look like for both of you. Get specific. Take your time. Make it an ongoing process.
이 운동을하고 있고 무엇을 명확되는 의미합니다 것은 허용 동작하지 않습니다. 그것은 당신의 기대와 한계가 무엇인지에 대한 분명한 메시지를 제공하기 위해 모든 관계에서 중요하다, 당신의 파트너의 사람들을 듣고, 중간에서의 만남을 시도. The main point is that both of you should feel comfortable with things. No one should feel pressured to accept something they’re not comfortable with.
그가 남용을 차단했다고 가능, 또는 그것을 기억하지 않습니다?
Research shows that the majority of people who have experienced sexual abuse retain very strong memories of the abuse. It also shows that there are a number of reasons that people may not wish to talk about it.
라고 한, 네, 성적으로 누구의 기억 명확하지 않다 학대 한 사람들이있다, 또는 결석, 장시간. These people may remember and piece together fragments of memories later on in life. 사실로, many people have noticed that these memories seem to come back once they have started to feel more stable, more strong, and more confident. In other words, just when you start to feel you’re really doing well, the memories start to return.
이 경우, working through it may not be about avoiding the memories, or even trying to chase them down and confront them. It’s about building yourself up to the point where your mind can handle them, and has the strength to cope with them. It’s about being ready.
여기 어려움 만 가능한 것이 무엇인지와 함께 작업 할 수 있다는 것입니다. 어린 시절 성적 학대의 기억을 검색하는 것이 더 고통으로 이어질 수, 혼란과 불확실성. 일반적으로 메모리는 매우 오류를 범할 수있다. It may be more helpful to try to work on acceptance of the uncertainty of the issue. In this case it’s about learning to be okay with not knowing for sure.
In either case the emphasis should be on developing a strong, stable and confident sense of wellbeing.
He has a few issues at the moment that I’m sure are related to the abuse. Is it common for men to…
It is common for a man who has experienced sexual abuse to experience a range of effects over the years. There are many negative impacts that are commonly known to result from a history of such trauma, such as:
- Flashbacks and invasive thoughts.
- Nightmares and insomnia.
- Anger, and thoughts of revenge.
- Self blame, 부끄러움, and low self esteem.
- Suicidal thoughts.
- Intimacy issues.
- Difficulty trusting others.
A more complete list can be found on the page dealing with sexual violence, along with some further information.
In addition to the above, there are also secondary issues that can arise. Often these are emotional and behavioural strategies that men have used to help them cope with the primary issues above. These strategies themselves, while helpful at first, can become problematic. These can include:
- Use of alcohol and other drugs.
- Use of pornography.
- Risky behaviours.
- 관계를 제어.
- Avoiding relationships.
- Self harm.
More on these types of unhelpful strategies can be found on the page 어린 시절 성적 학대의 효과를 다루기.
당연하지, not all of these issues, even if a man has experienced sexual abuse, are necessarily related to the abuse. 유사하게, it is important to recognise men’s capacity to lead full and rewarding lives. Following an experience of child sexual abuse or sexual assault, it is not unusual for people’s understanding of their lives to become closely inter-connected with problems related to that experience. 그러나, seeing the person as the problem, and the majority of his current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse or sexual assault, can be counter-productive.
When trying to work through any present issue, it can be more helpful to look at it 에 the present. Whether or not this issue stems from a history of abuse, it will generally be effective to deal with it in the here and now. Set goals, establish safety and support, and put strategies in place, just as we do for anything.
I really think my partner needs to get help for this, but he doesn’t want counselling. How can I convince him to get the help he needs?
Counselling can be a really useful way for someone to process and work though difficult experiences, to build up safety and stability, and to figure out goals and strategies for moving forward.
It may be that your partner or loved one has given counselling a try in the past and found it unhelpful, and now is reluctant to give counselling another go. This might involve thoughts like, “I’m beyond help,” 또는 “counselling doesn’t work for me.”
When it comes to sexual abuse it can be crucial that the counsellor or professional has a good background in trauma informed care, and experience in working around sexual violence. It is a quite specialised area and it can be difficult to find a good professional. In this case it can be worth suggesting you do some research together to find someone who might be able to help.
It can also be helpful to note that every professional works differently and has a different style. The first counsellor an individual engages with may not be a good match for him. If this happens it can be easy to give it up as too hard, “well I tried.” Perhaps in this instance he could be encouraged to give it another go, to find someone who does suit him and his individual style, with whom he ‘clicks.’
If he has never been to counselling for this issue before and is nervous about what to expect, it may help him to know that a good counsellor won’t pressure him to talk about traumatic memories. The focus is generally more on strategies for coping in the present, until such time as the man wants to address past experiences (if at all).
그러나, if he doesn’t want to try any form of counselling, we would suggest there is not much you can do about that until he is ready. Counselling is only therapeutic if the person is ready and has made the decision for themselves. As mentioned earlier, feeling pressured to talk about sexual abuse can be counter-productive. If he feels pushed into attending a session, even if he does go, it is unlikely to be beneficial for him.
Perhaps the best thing you can do right now is to let him know that, if he does ever feel open to trying, you’ll be ready to support him through the process.
I’m the only one who knows. How can I help him?
This is a big one. We recognise the huge amount of pressure that is put on partners, and other family and loved ones, of men who have been sexually abused or sexually assaulted. Unfortunately if there is not much support out there for these men, nor is there much at all for their supporters. And you need support too, because this is a really difficult position to be in.
The very fact that you are here shows that you already are helping him. You wouldn’t be doing this reading if you weren’t wanting to be as supportive of him as you can be, which says a lot. It’s also a big step towards becoming informed and learning what’s helpful and what’s less so, for both him and yourself. The links throughout this page should be helpful with this.
As mentioned above, sometimes the best (and sometimes the only!) way you can help him is to let him know that you will always be available to listen. That you are willing to hear his feelings, 경험, 생각과 이야기 – however he feels comfortable sharing them, and whenever he feels ready.
그러나, as much as we want to, we can’t ‘make everything okay’ for someone else. We know that partners can often find themselves in this kind of position, with very high expectations of themselves. It’s important that you not take on too much. It’s important that you do take care of yourself.
Whether or not your partner is ready to talk it through with someone, it is always an option for you, too. Counselling for yourself, as a partner, can help you to explore and process your own thoughts and feelings around this. It can help you to build up your own coping, resilience and wellbeing, and also to figure out how you can best support him.
내 파트너가 성적으로 아동 학대를했다. 나는 그가 우리의 / 내 아이를 학대 할 수 걱정해야?
성적으로 학대 한 사람이 자동으로 성범죄를 저지에 갈 것을 제안하는 증거는 없다. 사실로, 연구 실제로 통해 제안 95% ~하지 않을 것이다. It is an unhelpful myth that men who were sexually abused in childhood are the ones who then abuse children. 우리의 페이지에서 확인 범죄자주기에 피해자를 해결 for more information.
우리가 알고있는 것은 성적으로 아동 학대를 한 남성이 아동의 복지에 대한 우려 때문이다, 그리고 어떤 경우에하는 것은 지나치게 보호 할 수 있습니다. 일반적으로 그들은 다른 아이에게 일이 그들에게 무슨 일이 있었는지 싶지 않아.
If you are a parent, 나는 오전 있는지 얘기하고 자녀와의 관계를 구축 유지하려는 것, so that if there is anything worrying them at home, 학교에서 또는 근처에 그들은 올 수 그것에 대해 당신과 얘기. 이것은 당신이 할 수있는 최선의 일이.
내 파트너가 성적으로 아동 학대를했다. I found gay porn on his computer, but he says that he isn’t gay. Why does he look at gay porn then, or chat with other men online?
This is an issue that can be really confusing, embarrassing and hurtful to partners of men. It can also be embarrassing and confusing for the man involved, who may not understand it himself. The fact is, it’s not unusual for men who were sexually abused or assaulted by another male to feel the urge to watch same-sex porn, or to visit male sex websites or chat sites.
Using same-sex porn can add to the already existing sense of shame, given the taboos in some communities about same sex attraction. It gets very mixed up with the experience of abuse and trying to work out ‘who I am.’
When a man was sexually abused as a boy by another man, it is usually the case that this was his first experience with any form of sexual contact. This can influence the way a person thinks about sex for the rest of his life. It does not mean he is gay, just that his first sexual experience was a very confusing one.
일부 남성의 경우, memories of the abuse, including flashbacks, can be physically and emotionally charged. 이와 같이, they can be drawn to look at same-sex porn as a way to try and understand what is happening. It can be a way to seek answers about the trauma of the abuse, and also about questions of sexuality. Confusion about sexuality and sexual orientation is an unfortunate consequence of sexual abuse for many men.
But questions around sexuality are dead-end questions – they don’t go anywhere. It can be more useful to think in terms of where he is choosing to put his emotional energy, love and affection. 이 밖으로 작동하고이되지하기 위해 측면 추적 (게이 문제는 측면 추적 할 수 있습니다), 유용 그는 관계에 당신에게 약속의 관점에서 무엇을하고 있는지 고려하는 그를 초대 할 수.
I asked my partner to stop using porn. He said he would, but I’ve learned he’s still been doing it in secret. 나는 무엇을 할 수?
Porn use in general can be an issue. Where there has been sexual abuse, porn can feel like a relatively safe space to explore and work through confusing and unsafe thoughts and experiences related to sex. This can be difficult to make sense of, and can cause problems in relationships when the man struggles to stop.
One of the added difficulties in this instance is that the sense of secrecy and shame around accessing porn can increase distress for men who have been sexually abused. Secrecy around things that are considered shameful can be a legacy of sexual abuse; it can almost be considered a coping strategy — a way to deal with the effects. However it can be quite unhelpful in developing a healthy, supportive relationship.
If this is something that is coming between you, it can be important to be clear that his accessing porn or chat rooms is something that pushes you apart. It will be important to be clear to him that if he chooses to access porn and lie to you, he is not showing love and respect to you and your relationship. He is an adult who has choices about how he behaves and where he puts his energy. He can choose to spend time with you doing things that you enjoy together, to nurture and build a more intimate, 배려, sexy relationship. Relationships do take commitment and can be rebuilt.
중요한 것은 각 파트너가 자신에 대한 책임을지지한다는 것입니다이지지를 만들기 위해 공유 된 이해와 의지가있다, 배려, 둘 다 작동 존중의 관계.
Where can we find help?
도움말을 사용할 수 있습니다.
Living Well offers counselling to men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault, and also to partners, families and loved ones.
If you live in South East Queensland, we provide face to face counselling from Strathpine, Woolloongabba/Buranda, Booval and Southport.
If you live elsewhere in the world, take a look at our list of worldwide services online.
Please get in touch.