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If your partner was sexually abused, you undoubtedly have many unanswered questions. Here at Living Well we receive a large number of questions and requests for advice from partners, family members and loved ones of men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault. These are people who are deeply concerned about the men in their lives, and at a bit of a loss for how to best support them. See the comments and questions asked on our page Información para los socios de los hombres, como ejemplo.

Often a partner is the first person that a man will ever disclose a history of sexual abuse to. We want to acknowledge that this can be challenging and confusing for partners, y que, regardless of the closeness of your relationship, this information can be difficult to process and respond to. Not only do you want to support your loved one, you also need to deal with your own thoughts and feelings about it all.

Often there is a lot of worry around how to respond appropriately, and also worry about what this may mean for you as individuals, as a couple, or as a family.

my partner was sexually abused

Sometimes the man discloses the abuse, or you deduce it has happened and he acknowledges it, but he then is not ready to discuss it further, let alone seek help or tell anyone else. This can be a really uncomfortable place for you to be in, as now you have this information but are unsure what to do with it.

Si, as we know, there is not a lot of support out there for men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, then neither is there much information for the people who care about and wish to support these men.

Below are some of the most common questions we get. We acknowledge that every situation is different, y pedimos que por favor mantenga esto en mente al leer sobre estos. Please also take care of yourself in reading through, as these topics can be confronting.

Hemos utilizado generalmente la palabra “socio” to refer to the man in your life, but these words can apply to any man — friend, son, padre, hermano, client, or any other man you care about.

Debido a su comportamiento, I think my partner may have been sexually abused, but he denies it. Is he just hiding it from me?

Some of the behaviours that people have described to us include:

  • Infidelity, sexual addiction.
  • Complete disinterest in sex.
  • Unusual sexual or sexualised behaviours.
  • Porn addiction.
  • Consuming gay or same-sex porn.
  • Strong emotional reactions to the mention of sexual abuse of others.
  • Depresión, ansiedad, self harm.
  • Abuse of alcohol or other drugs.
  • Very protective behaviours towards children.

While it may seem as though there is a lot going on for him, realmente no hay manera de saber, del comportamiento actual de una persona, whether he has been sexually abused in the past.

La dificultad es, even if your partner demonstrates every single behaviour on a list of problemas comunes a los hombres víctimas de abusos sexuales, it still does not necessarily mean he was sexually abused. There are a great many reasons that could potentially explain why people might engage in different behaviours or have different reactions. Simplemente no es posible predecir la reacción cualquier individuo, lo que no hay lista de control de los síntomas que nos dirá con certeza.

It may indeed be that your suspicions regarding past abuse are right. However unless he is open to talking about it, there is no way for you to be certain. We can only work with what we know for sure.

This question is made more difficult by the fact that, when a man has been abused, it is something that can feel almost impossible for him to talk about. Muchos hombres no revelan el abuso sexual o asalto sexual décadas after the fact, if ever. Echa un vistazo a nuestra página en Hombres y divulgación, que resume algunos de los hombres se enfrentan a barreras.

¿Qué debo hacer si no me lo dirá?

Así que digamos que usted sospecha que su pareja o ser querido fue abusado o agredido sexualmente, pero no se sabe a ciencia cierta. Es posible que le has pedido ya, pero él no quiere hablar de ello. If you are in this situation, there may be things that sadden or concern you about some of his experiences or his responses. You might not know how best to help, o cómo explorar sus respectivas necesidades en esta situación, sin causar más malestar.

Si él no lo ha dicho que fue abusado sexualmente, it is generally recommended to not pressure him to talk about it until he is ready. Recordar, usted no sabe a ciencia cierta si este es el caso, pero incluso si es, ideally it is his decision to tell or not to tell. Es importante que usted deje el poder de esa decisión de. Sepan que es extremadamente difícil para los hombres a revelar. If he is not ready to do so, no es ninguna reflexión en usted, or on your relationship with each other.

We have heard from some men that they do not mind being asked, but they do not find it helpful to be pressed about it if they are not yet ready to talk.

It can be very difficult to want to support someone but to feel unable to do so. Si bien no es hasta usted para 'arreglar’ le, there are ways you can support your partner if he ever does feel ready to broach the subject.

Deje que su pareja sepa que usted está siempre abierto a escuchar sus sentimientos, experiencias, pensamientos e historias. Esté preparado para escuchar de manera abierta, non-judgmental manner.

Si usted siente que puede revelar el abuso a usted, take a look at our page Hombres y divulgación: ¿Cómo usted puede ayudar for some more information about how loved ones can support men through disclosure.

And through all this, above all else, make sure you take care of yourself. Step back for a while and look after your own well-being in the here and now. Engaging in self care in this way serves two purposes. The first is that it builds up your resilience and your ability to manage and cope with stress. The second is that it also means you are “modelling” self care for your partnerhealthy behaviour tends to be “catching.” In either case, the importance of looking after yourself cannot be overstated.

We acknowledge and appreciate that you want to support and care for your partner, no matter what has happened — but it is important to keep in mind that you cannot make everything alright. Especially if you are losing sight of your own needs.

Su comportamiento me está afectando negativamente, aunque. ¿Cómo si no puedo conseguir que cambie?

Independientemente de si su pareja o ser querido ha sufrido abuso sexual o asalto en el pasado, you both always have a right to have your wishes, boundaries and desires respected.

Si es posible, le hizo saber que hay aspectos de la relación que usted quiere hablar. Concéntrese en lo que está sucediendo en el presente, y discutir juntos sus esperanzas de cómo desea que la relación sea. This avoids pressuring him into disclosing (o denegando) cualquier historia de abuso sexual. Podría ser útil para mantener los temas separados hasta (y si) que está dispuesto a hablar de su pasado - eso es si su pasado es, de hecho, pertinente. Con este enfoque ayuda a mantener de vista el hecho de que usted tiene el derecho a expresar lo que piensa la relación va, dejando la cuestión de la divulgación de cualquier historia de victimización sexual en su control.

Es útil si usted está claro sobre qué tipo de relación que desea, y qué expectativas, necesidades, and boundaries or limits you each have. Envision this together — invite him to share his expectations and hopes with you. Talk about how you would prefer you both behave in this relationship, y como demuestras amor, la atención y el respeto de unos a otros. In stating your vision for your life together, and in asking him to share his, you are both making a commitment to this.

Map it out — what it will look like for both of you. Get specific. Tómese su tiempo. Make it an ongoing process.

Esto significará hacer ejercicio y ser claro en cuanto a lo que es y no es un comportamiento aceptable. Es importante en cualquier relación de proporcionar un mensaje claro acerca de cuáles son sus expectativas y límites son, escuchar las de su pareja, y tratar de reunirse en el centro. The main point is that both of you should feel comfortable with things. No one should feel pressured to accept something they’re not comfortable with.

¿Es posible que él ha bloqueado el abuso, o no lo recuerda?

Research shows that the majority of people who have experienced sexual abuse retain very strong memories of the abuse. It also shows that there are a number of reasons that people may not wish to talk about it.

Dicho esto, sí, hay algunas personas que han sido víctimas de abusos sexuales cuyos recuerdos no son claras, o están ausentes, durante largos períodos de tiempo. These people may remember and piece together fragments of memories later on in life. De hecho, many people have noticed that these memories seem to come back once they have started to feel more stable, more strong, and more confident. In other words, just when you start to feel you’re really doing well, the memories start to return.

En este caso, working through it may not be about avoiding the memories, or even trying to chase them down and confront them. It’s about building yourself up to the point where your mind can handle them, and has the strength to cope with them. It’s about being ready.

Una dificultad aquí es que sólo se puede trabajar con lo que está disponible. Busca recuerdos de abuso sexual infantil puede llevar a más angustia, la confusión y la incertidumbre. Memoria en general es muy falible. It may be more helpful to try to work on acceptance of the uncertainty of the issue. In this case it’s about learning to be okay with not knowing for sure.

In either case the emphasis should be on developing a strong, stable and confident sense of wellbeing.

He has a few issues at the moment that I’m sure are related to the abuse. Is it common for men to

It is common for a man who has experienced sexual abuse to experience a range of effects over the years. There are many negative impacts that are commonly known to result from a history of such trauma, tal como:

  • Flashbacks and invasive thoughts.
  • Nightmares and insomnia.
  • Ira, and thoughts of revenge.
  • Auto culpa, vergüenza, and low self esteem.
  • Numbness.
  • Los pensamientos suicidas.
  • Intimacy issues.
  • Difficulty trusting others.

A more complete list can be found on the page dealing with sexual violence, along with some further information.

In addition to the above, there are also secondary issues that can arise. Often these are emotional and behavioural strategies that men have used to help them cope with the primary issues above. These strategies themselves, while helpful at first, can become problematic. These can include:

  • Use of alcohol and other drugs.
  • Use of pornography.
  • Workaholism.
  • Risky behaviours.
  • Controlling relationships.
  • Avoiding relationships.
  • Autolesiones.

More on these types of unhelpful strategies can be found on the page Hacer frente a los efectos del abuso sexual en la infancia.

Por supuesto, not all of these issues, even if a man has experienced sexual abuse, are necessarily related to the abuse. Del mismo modo, it is important to recognise men’s capacity to lead full and rewarding lives. Después de una experiencia de abuso sexual infantil o asalto sexual, it is not unusual for people’s understanding of their lives to become closely inter-connected with problems related to that experience. Sin embargo, seeing the person as the problem, and the majority of his current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse or sexual assault, can be counter-productive.

When trying to work through any present issue, it can be more helpful to look at it en the present. Whether or not this issue stems from a history of abuse, it will generally be effective to deal with it in the here and now. Set goals, establish safety and support, and put strategies in place, just as we do for anything.

I really think my partner needs to get help for this, but he doesn’t want counselling. How can I convince him to get the help he needs?

Counselling can be a really useful way for someone to process and work though difficult experiences, to build up safety and stability, and to figure out goals and strategies for moving forward.

It may be that your partner or loved one has given counselling a try in the past and found it unhelpful, and now is reluctant to give counselling another go. This might involve thoughts like, “I’m beyond help,” o “counselling doesn’t work for me.

When it comes to sexual abuse it can be crucial that the counsellor or professional has a good background in trauma informed care, and experience in working around sexual violence. It is a quite specialised area and it can be difficult to find a good professional. In this case it can be worth suggesting you do some research together to find someone who might be able to help.

It can also be helpful to note that every professional works differently and has a different style. The first counsellor an individual engages with may not be a good match for him. If this happens it can be easy to give it up as too hard, “well I tried.Perhaps in this instance he could be encouraged to give it another go, to find someone who does suit him and his individual style, with whom he ‘clicks.

If he has never been to counselling for this issue before and is nervous about what to expect, it may help him to know that a good counsellor won’t pressure him to talk about traumatic memories. La atención se centra generalmente más en las estrategias para hacer frente en el presente, hasta el momento en que el hombre quiere hacer frente a experiencias pasadas (en todo caso).

Sin embargo, if he doesn’t want to try any form of counselling, we would suggest there is not much you can do about that until he is ready. Counselling is only therapeutic if the person is ready and has made the decision for themselves. As mentioned earlier, feeling pressured to talk about sexual abuse can be counter-productive. If he feels pushed into attending a session, even if he does go, it is unlikely to be beneficial for him.

Perhaps the best thing you can do right now is to let him know that, if he does ever feel open to trying, you’ll be ready to support him through the process.

I’m the only one who knows. How can I help him?

This is a big one. We recognise the huge amount of pressure that is put on partners, and other family and loved ones, of men who have been sexually abused or sexually assaulted. Unfortunately if there is not much support out there for these men, nor is there much at all for their supporters. And you need support too, because this is a really difficult position to be in.

The very fact that you are here shows that you already are helping him. You wouldn’t be doing this reading if you weren’t wanting to be as supportive of him as you can be, which says a lot. It’s also a big step towards becoming informed and learning what’s helpful and what’s less so, for both him and yourself. The links throughout this page should be helpful with this.

As mentioned above, sometimes the best (and sometimes the only!) way you can help him is to let him know that you will always be available to listen. That you are willing to hear his feelings, experiencias, pensamientos e historias – however he feels comfortable sharing them, and whenever he feels ready.

Sin embargo, as much as we want to, we can’t ‘make everything okay’ for someone else. We know that partners can often find themselves in this kind of position, with very high expectations of themselves. It’s important that you not take on too much. It’s important that you do take care of yourself.

Whether or not your partner is ready to talk it through with someone, it is always an option for you, demasiado. Counselling for yourself, as a partner, can help you to explore and process your own thoughts and feelings around this. It can help you to build up your own coping, resilience and wellbeing, and also to figure out how you can best support him.

Mi pareja fue abusado sexualmente cuando era niño. ¿Debo estar preocupado que podría abusar de nuestros / mis hijos?

No hay evidencia para sugerir que los hombres que han sido abusados ​​sexualmente pasará automáticamente a cometer delitos sexuales. De hecho, la investigación sugiere que en realidad más de 95% no lo hará. It is an unhelpful myth that men who were sexually abused in childhood are the ones who then abuse children. Echa un vistazo a nuestra página en frente a la víctima a delincuente ciclo para más información.

Lo que sí sabemos es que los hombres que han sido abusados ​​sexualmente cuando niños se preocupan por el bienestar de los niños, y si algo puede ser excesivamente protector. Por lo general no quieren lo que les sucedió a pasar a otro niño.

If you are a parent, Estoy seguro de que va a querer seguir hablando y construyendo la relación con sus hijos, so that if there is anything worrying them at home, en la escuela o en el vecindario que pueden venir y hablar con usted acerca de él. Esta es la mejor cosa que puedes hacer.

Mi pareja fue abusado sexualmente cuando era niño. I found gay porn on his computer, but he says that he isn’t gay. Why does he look at gay porn then, or chat with other men online?

This is an issue that can be really confusing, embarrassing and hurtful to partners of men. It can also be embarrassing and confusing for the man involved, who may not understand it himself. The fact is, it’s not unusual for men who were sexually abused or assaulted by another male to feel the urge to watch same-sex porn, or to visit male sex websites or chat sites.

Using same-sex porn can add to the already existing sense of shame, given the taboos in some communities about same sex attraction. It gets very mixed up with the experience of abuse and trying to work out ‘who I am.’

When a man was sexually abused as a boy by another man, it is usually the case that this was his first experience with any form of sexual contact. This can influence the way a person thinks about sex for the rest of his life. It does not mean he is gay, just that his first sexual experience was a very confusing one.

Para algunos hombres, memories of the abuse, including flashbacks, se puede cargar físicamente y emocionalmente. Como tal, they can be drawn to look at same-sex porn as a way to try and understand what is happening. It can be a way to seek answers about the trauma of the abuse, and also about questions of sexuality. La confusión acerca de la sexualidad y la orientación sexual es una desafortunada consecuencia de abuso sexual de muchos hombres.

But questions around sexuality are dead-end questions – they don’t go anywhere. It can be more useful to think in terms of where he is choosing to put his emotional energy, amor y afecto. Con el fin de resolver esto y no convertirse en el lado seguido (la cuestión Gay puede ser seguimiento lado), tal vez útil para invitarlo a considerar lo que está haciendo en términos de compromiso con la relación y para que.

I asked my partner to stop using porn. He said he would, but I’ve learned he’s still been doing it in secret. What can I do?

Porn use in general can be an issue. Where there has been sexual abuse, porn can feel like a relatively safe space to explore and work through confusing and unsafe thoughts and experiences related to sex. This can be difficult to make sense of, and can cause problems in relationships when the man struggles to stop.

One of the added difficulties in this instance is that the sense of secrecy and shame around accessing porn can increase distress for men who have been sexually abused. Secrecy around things that are considered shameful can be a legacy of sexual abuse; it can almost be considered a coping strategy — a way to deal with the effects. However it can be quite unhelpful in developing a healthy, supportive relationship.

If this is something that is coming between you, it can be important to be clear that his accessing porn or chat rooms is something that pushes you apart. It will be important to be clear to him that if he chooses to access porn and lie to you, él no está demostrando el amor y el respeto a usted y su relación. Él es un adulto que tiene opciones sobre cómo se comporta y donde él pone su energía. Él puede elegir para pasar tiempo con usted haciendo cosas que le gustan juntos, para nutrir y construir un mundo más íntimo, cuidado, relación sexy. Las relaciones toman el compromiso y se pueden reconstruir.

Lo que es importante es que cada socio asume la responsabilidad de sí mismos y hay un entendimiento compartido y el compromiso de hacer de éste un apoyo, cuidado, relación respetuosa que funcione para ambos.

Where can we find help?

La ayuda está disponible.

Living Well offers counselling to men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault, and also to partners, families and loved ones.

If you live in South East Queensland, we provide cara a cara asesoramiento from Strathpine, Woolloongabba/Buranda, Booval and Southport.

If you live anywhere else in Australia, we provide asesoramiento telefónico y asesoría en línea.

If you live elsewhere in the world, take a look at our list of worldwide services online.

Por favor, Estar en contacto.
 

16 comentarios

  1. Comment by Carmel

    Carmel Responder Septiembre 6, 2016 en 4:45 pm

    I have been in a relationship for 9 years with a man who lives interstate. We are both in out fifties. It has never been a really successful relationship sexually. We broke up for two years because of this but got back together when he said he would try to communicate better. That was a year ago. Nothing has changed.

    I started thinking that maybe he had been sexually abused. He is a closed book, we never have sex and he doesn’t even like the mention of sex. He rarely appears naked and has extreme mood swings. Last week we were out to dinner with his brother and his wife, we were talking about their family and why my partner doesn’t connect with any other family members. My partner left the table to go to the bathroom and I said, almost jokingly, that I thought something may have happened to my partner at some stage. His sister-in-law answered that yes, he was ‘molestedas a child. I was shocked. By whom, Yo pregunté, and was told that it was by his uncle. My partner’s brother said that it was all ok now, and that my partner is fine. I said that it certainly is not fine, and at that time my partner returned to the table. now I can’t think of anything but this. he would be furious if he knew I knew, and moreso if he knew how I came to know.

    No sé qué hacer. Should I tell him I know? Should I get more information from his brother? When we parted, before I told him that I couldn’t stay with him because he just never confided in me or got close emotionally, at that time he said, “it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t.

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Septiembre 9, 2016 en 11:46 en

      Hi Carmel,
      I am sorry to hear you have been put in such a difficult position. We know that this kind of situation can be so distressing for partnersto have this knowledge, to want to help, but to be sitting with so much uncertainty and just not knowing what to do.

      What to do next depends on what you want to happen, and what you think will happen. If your partner has expressed to you that he is not able to talk about this yet, then it may be that these events are not going to change that. As alluded to in the information on this page, the decision to talk needs to come from the man, particularly if it is going to be a helpful conversation. Making the choice to disclose can even be seen as a part of the process of becoming empowered and regaining control.

      Desafortunadamente, that his brother and sister-in-law were the ones to tell you may have served to take some of that control from him. I can imagine that this will be quite triggering and very upsetting for him. Seeking more information from his family would possibly only compound these problems. Eventually it may come out that yes, they told you about this when he was absentit was a mistake and it just happened that way without much thought. Telling him that you went back and continued that conversation without his knowledge or consent would possibly only make it more hurtful.

      It might be helpful to ask yourself what you’re hoping this knowledge will change, and is it likely that this will happen? Many people hold the assumption that ‘talking about itis pivotal to healing and recovery, however we know that this is not often the case. While his struggles in communicating and intimacy may be related to the abuse, the fact is, en esta etapa, it doesn’t really matter either way. This is something that is impacting on your relationship now. These are issues that are best addressed in the present, with connection to and reflection on what is happening for you both now, given that you are adults who are capable of making your own choices and doing what is important to you.

      Having said all that, some men have indicated that, while it is not helpful to be pressured to talk about the abuse, sometimes it can be helpful to be asked the question. I wonder how it might go if you were to say to your partner something like, “I’ve been thinking about some of the difficulties we’ve had in our relationship, and doing some reading, and I’m wondering if you have had an experience of sexual abuse in your life? We don’t have to go into it now if you aren’t ready but it would be helpful for me to know, and to understand.

      Please do have a read of some of the other information linked from this page on supporting a man with disclosure, as you have the opportunity to support him and to work towards healing (for you both) through your response to this.

      Lo mejor de la suerte, Carmel.

      • Comment by pam

        pam Responder Enero 15, 2017 en 1:05 pm

        Quiero 72 years of age and I have been kicking myself for years over the fact that I did nothing when my first husband told me once that his aunt had sexually abused him. I was in my early 30’s and did not know how to respond so let it slide.

        My husband would drink every day after work at his club and drank himself into oblivious one night and I had to go and pick him up. Very embarrassing for me having come from a home where there was no alcohol problem at all.

        I could not understand why he needed to drink and I was a very shy person and did not want to cause more arguments than we already had over his drinking.

        In the end after 11 years of marriage I walked out for another man I met through work who was also in a bad marraige. We have been married 27 años.

        My ex husband eventually ended up in hospital through his drinking and rang me one day at work and told me he would pick fights with me just so he could go out and drink. I was totally amazed that he had done this.

        I now realise that when he told me about the abuse at the hands of an aunt he was crying out for help and I did nothing. The drinking I believe (ahora) was an escape from the thoughts he had of what had happened to him in his childhood. Maybe if we had had counselling things may have had been different.

        • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

          Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Enero 18, 2017 en 1:52 pm

          Hi Pam,
          Thank you for connecting with us and sharing your experiences here. That takes such courage.

          I’m hearing that you’ve been carrying some guilt around for quite a while now. Many years ago, your first husband was really struggling to cope. He was self medicating with alcohol and the damage to your relationship was extreme. At one stage he disclosed to you that he had been sexually abused by an aunt, however at that time you did not realise the significance of that disclosure. It sounds like you’ve regretted your response ever since.. particularly since hindsight has allowed you to put his damaging behaviours in perspective.

          You are absolutely not alone in your experiences Pam. Abuso sexual infantil (especially as experienced by men) is not an issue that is really talked about. I don’t think anyone can be expected to automatically know the appropriate way to respond to a disclosure, which is why we have so many articles on just that topic.

          Not to mention that this is something you had to deal with over thirty years ago. If education, information and support are lacking now, that is nothing compared to a couple of decades ago, when the topic was actively suppressed.

          Remember that when you made your choices you did not have the knowledge and experiences then that you do now. If you had, you undoubtedly would have made different choices.

          Y even that may not have helped. It is not up to you to fix anyone else, even a husband. Nor is it possible. The decision to recover and move forward can only come from the individual.

          Which ultimately means that there is no blame here for you, Pam.
          You did the best you could in a terribly stressful situation that you couldn’t make any sense of. You tried for eleven years, working blindly, before finally accepting that things weren’t going to change. Try to think back on that time with self compassion, rather than undeserved guilt.

          Guilt is a natural responseit motivates us to behave differently next time. So ask yourself, will I behave differently next time? If the answer is yes, the guilt has done its work, and you needn’t hang on to it any more. Thank it, and let it go.

          Cuídate, and please Estar en contacto if you would like to chat further.

  2. Comment by Carmel

    Carmel Responder Septiembre 20, 2016 en 6:21 pm

    Thank you Jess. You asked me ‘what am I hoping the knowledge will change’. I suppose that for all the years of our relationship, whilst I knew him to be a bit difficult, I always thought that time would help us build a closer , more intimate relationship. I thought that all I had to do was be patient. But that was wrong. It hasn’t happened. I often think to myself that we are at the dating stage. The relationship didn’t grow or morph into anything else. It’s the same after nine years as it was afte 9 months.. so I am hoping that if he knows that I know, the relief of sharing his secret will make us closer. I hope he might see my knowledge as a barrier coming down . On the other hand I am also afraid that if I bring it up as you suggested above, he could just as well storm off and never want to see me again. He could do that. He is SO private. I’m not a gambler, but For me ( and I know it’s not about me) I think I need to bring it up. I am seeing him this weekend.

  3. Comentario de Anónimo

    Anónimo Responder Octubre 2, 2016 en 2:51 pm

    Hola, I believe my husband was sexually abused as a child. The reason I believe this is there have been signs, and he almost let something slip. One time when we were still just dating, I forgot exactly what brought this up, it was something do with a friend who was coming stay with him. He stared blankly and then said, “I’ve got to make sure his bed in the guestroom is ready. I don’t like nobody sleeping in bed wth me. I had to share a bed with my cousin and he did, well uh, I just don’t like it.
    I was like, “baby, nobody said he was going be in bed with you.
    He was likeuh sorry don’t know what I was rambling about.

    Now since we’ve been married, living together, he won’t go to sleep till he makes sure I’m safe in the bed. He has to have the door shut every night; if it’s not shut he almost looks terrified. He also flinches and jumps if you put your arms around him from behind, and I was going to be nice and wash his back while we were showeringhe yelleddon’t do that!” soon as I touched his back. He saidI don’t like my back being washed.He really sounded scared and defensive. It’s the same with his stomach, he flinches and tenses up.

    He wants love and reassurance, which I give him. My dad lives with us, and if I’m in the living room finishing a chore, talking to my dad, he will come in there and ask meyou going come watch tv?” I sayyes honey, just as soon as I finish,” and he will come back almost pouting. It’s like he feels safer when I’m with him.

    I wish he would tell me what happened, but I know it has got to be hard. What do you think? He really is the sweetest guy.

  4. Comment by Anonomous

    Anonomous Responder Noviembre 2, 2016 en 6:24 pm

    Hola,
    I am in my early 30s and have been dating on and off for 9years with man sexually abused by his mother. The push and pull of the relationship is relentless. To complicate matters more my mother was serverly abused as a child. When he is in other relationships he says that he has trouble in sexual relationships that he does not have with me and is always wanting to get back together with me. However I find he is not able to be transparent regarding is actions and I am stuck in a cycle of anxiety and mistrust. I get very worried for him as he cannot open up to people but I don’t think I can be this person anymore no matter how much he pushes for it.

  5. Comment by Pamela

    Pamela Responder Noviembre 29, 2016 en 7:44 pm

    My husband admitted he was abused as a child for many years. He has 3 niños, his wife passed away, now remarried. Sex is a no go, as soon as we start it goes flaccid. I’m thinking now, is this a result off the abuse? He has kids, so I asked him about this and he said he was pressured into the act off sex to please his first wife, hence having kids.

    Is he secretly gayhe would never in a million years admit it. I’ve looked in his browser history and found porn there. I’m open minded and unshockable, I love him and want to help. His torment, his horror, I am the only person he’s told, no one knows even the dead.

    I love him and want him to make love to me. To be honest I don’t think we have consummated our marriage of 5 años. Could be a result of the abuse?

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Noviembre 30, 2016 en 3:06 pm

      Hi Pamela,
      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well. I’m definitely hearing from your message how much you care for your husband, and want to be supportive and understanding of him. You clearly want to be able to help him through the difficulties he’s experiencing, which are also having an effect on you.

      Childhood sexual abuse impacts upon people differently. Many people do manage to live full, saludable, functioning lives and to have satisfying, happy relationships. Sin embargo, as you are aware, some people struggle a bit more. For them, issues such as intimacy – si esta es la intimidad sexual o emocional – puede haber problemas reales dentro de las relaciones de otra manera estables. You are not alone in experiencing concerns about these issues.

      In terms of your husband’s sexuality, whether or not your partner is ‘secretly gaycan be a bit of a side-tracking issue. It is not unusual for men who were sexually abused as boys to have questions and concerns about how this has affected their sexuality. When a young boy is introduced to (often same-sex) sexual contact through an abusive experience in which he had no choice, it can be an extremely confusing experience. Sin embargo ahora, como un adulto, it is the ways in which he chooses to behave that count the most. By being with you, and trying to work through this with you, él está tomando decisiones claras.

      I think the fact that he has told you about the abuse (the first time he has ever told anyone), and further has also told you about the sexual abuse he experienced from his wife (as being pressured into sex is also sexual abuse/assault), shows how much he trusts you and wants to increase intimacy with you. Being open about these things is a form of emotional intimacy. Talking about the abuse is something that is notoriously difficult for men to do, so I think it’s an important factor that he has felt able to open up to you. (Have a look at our page La decisión de contar y When your partner discloses to get an idea of some of the barriers men face.)

      That he has kept trying to work through his impotence with you also shows how much he wants to improve this. This is also something that is very painful for men to confront, as sexual ability is often directly related to learnt ideas aboutser un hombreand self esteem. If he is willing to experience the extremely uncomfortable feelings that come with sexual difficulties, then he must care about and want to please you mucho. Further reading that may be helpful for you includes: Asalto sexual masculina y la excitación, which explains some of the mechanics involved and also has some tips and strategies at the bottom that may help you and your husband improve sexual intimacy.

      Some men and their partners find it helpful to consciously put sex ‘on the backburner’ durante un periodo de tiempo, y en lugar de centrarse en la intimidad y el juego. Esto puede aliviar la presión sobre ambas partes. También puede ayudar a tener conversaciones abiertas y honestas con su pareja acerca de las inquietudes que el sexo puede aumentar para los dos, y lo que el apoyo que necesita el uno del otro. Por ejemplo, los hombres podrían preocuparse de que su pareja se siente rechazado o poco atractivo si él no quiere sexo, or can’t perform. Discutir abiertamente estas cuestiones puede ayudar a entender lo que cada pareja realmente siente y piensa.

      El valor de una buena comunicación en las relaciones íntimas no puede ser exagerada. Les animo tanto a notar las cosas que le traen juntos; las cosas que le gustan y que juntos hacen de este un saludable, relación placentera.

      También me gustaría hacer hincapié en que usted toma el buen cuidado de ti mismo a través de esta, debido a que estas experiencias pueden ser tan duro con los socios. Si usted no ha visto todavía, por favor, eche un vistazo a los pasos para cuidar de sí mismo en el Información para socios página.

      Wishing you both the best, Pamela.

  6. Comment by Jane

    Jane Responder Diciembre 19, 2016 en 8:50 en

    Mi novio de 5 years recently told me that he was molested several times as a child. I am the only one he’s told about it but now he’s pushing me away and has actually broken up with me because he wants to figure things out alone. he doesn’t even want me to check up on him. I’ve emphasized to him that I’m just here for him and am willing to listen to him regardless. I want to help him but I don’t know how. Could you please help me out with this?

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Enero 11, 2017 en 10:54 en

      Hola Jane,
      Thanks for your comment. It sounds like a tough situation, and one you’ve been trying to handle to the best of your knowledge and ability. It’s good to see you’re doing some research and trying to figure this out. That shows how much you do care, and want to do what’s best.

      I think in this situation you have done the right thing. You have let him know that you are available and willing to support him in any way he might find helpful, no matter what. At this stage, it is up to him as to whether he is open to receiving that support. If he is at a stage where he needs some time alone to figure things out, and doesn’t want you to check up on him, I think the only thing you can really do is respect that.

      If he has just opened up to someone about this for the very first time, it may be that it has all come to the surface and he has some processing to do. That is something he can only do on his ownbut it sounds like he knows you are there for him if he does need some support.

      Take care of yourself in the meantime, Jane. Turn the focus to your own wellbeing and coping, for yourself, and also so that if the time does come where he needs help, you will be best positioned to provide it.

  7. Comment by Julie Hawkins

    Julie Hawkins Responder Marzo 7, 2017 en 7:26 en

    Hi my name is Julie H. My husband was raped by a man when he was 10. He said that he could talk about it so it did not bother him. We had fun dating , he was caring and considerate . After he proposed to me and I accepted ,things started to change, he became distant quiet . Unattached is a better word I guess. He would hold my hand to a building store what have you but as soon as the door opened he dropped my hand and kept his distance. I took this personal of course. He would smile and talk to others but not to me, I got the empty look and no smile, depressed version while everyone else got what he used to give me. Years pass we had a baby girl, he was not close to her and when she turned 5 he almost treated her like she had done something to him. She is 22 now and their relationship is very strained. I noticed the same treatment started when my youngest now 6 ,turned 5. That coupled with opening our small business , his subsequent emotional affair with a women having marriage problems of her own .
    When I noticed looks between them I started snooping and found over two hundred texts. Him and her talking like they were married. Discussing their day and joking and laughing. This completely destroyed me emotionally. He had at that point not spoken to me smiled at me he has never complimented me , people that came in to our business didn’t even know he had a wife, the others thought she was his wife.
    I confronted her after I found the texts, she claimed just friends, I confronted him he was furious said it was nothing . He was caught red handed so he claimed I misunderstood everything . I developed internal shingles lost 30 lbs and had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I had a nervous breakdown I think. I couldn’t be around crowds pregnant women or babies, I would just go to pieces. He ask me why I didn’t react that way when I lost the other 6. Like he thought I made it up or something. This upset me greatly , I later found out he blamed me for all the other miscarriages. I did not know this man I had been married to for 23 años. There are some patterns I’ve noticed in the last couple of years. When I go to him when I’ve been hurt or am upset with him, his response ishow do you figure!” Which hurts me because next comes the blame. Then he brings up something I did to him (which he never mentioned before, it was as if he was saving it) and if it looks like I’m making since with my argument he stops me in the middle on making my point and sayslook at how you’re talking to me, why are you so violenteven though this argument is just a little loud not yelling. I’m always ( not kidding) always to blame. I asked him when had he ever come to me with a complaint , he was speechless. When he pushes me to the point I throw something ( not at him) he puts his arms out like Popeye and walked fast up to me like he’s going to hit me.( he has never hit me) I meet him nose to nose and tell him go a head you couldn’t possibly hurt me any more than you already have. He then walks off saying how this is never going to work. He always tries to jump ship first ,bringing up him leaving or something. I told him I was leaving if he didn’t get help. He is now in counseling . He has recently shared with me his abuse started when he was 5 with female babysitters molesting him .( all this time I was asking him during our fights why am I having to pay for what someone else did to you) he would say I wasnt. Up until he was 10 and raped several times by this man. He was molested by what seemed like everyone who he ever trusted. He has never let me in or our girls, he is trying now. But he told me his counselor (a woman) said she didn’t think his abuse is affecting him. She does not know how he treats me or his pattern of emotional abandonedment, or the women that molested him . He hasn’t told her , he told me this last night. She wants to see me next week. Any advise you could give me would be very welcome.

  8. Comentario de Anónimo

    Anónimo Responder Marzo 24, 2017 en 5:37 en

    Hola,

    So very recently my boyfriend mentioned he was molested by his stepdad. He didn’t go into a lot of detail. A few days ago, he sort of mentioned it again and he talked about it very vaguely. I want to help him and I’m not really sure how. My heart aches for him and I don’t want him to keep it bottled l up, but I also don’t want to push him into talking about it. Im the only person he’s told and I’m just kindaAt a loss. Any advice would help me. Gracias.

  9. Comment by Rehandra

    Rehandra Responder Marzo 28, 2017 en 3:06 pm

    To this day I regret not asking my exhusband if he wanted to open up about being abused by an aunt.

    I would say to any woman whose partner mentions something like that to sayif you want to talk about I will listen”. It is then up to them.

    Don’t do what I did and say nothing. I was so taken by surprise. It was never raised again and to be quite honest I forgot about it.

    I now realise this is probably the reason he drank to excessto blot it out”!

  10. Comment by crystal hill

    crystal hill Responder Junio 3, 2017 en 6:18 en

    I recently found my husband of 6 yrs on transgender dating sites when I confronted him he then confessed he was raped by another young boy at 10 yrs old he swears he’s not gay. But when he gets too drunk he goes back to gay porn sites idk what to do if he’s not gay why go watch gay sites and I often find him texting other women sending nudes back and forth that he doesn’t know or never meets. Any help here

  11. Comment by kyrstin

    kyrstin Responder Noviembre 28, 2017 en 7:27 en

    My husband of 2 years was drunk one night and was talking to a man sexually, then later on I found out he also tried to talk to my cousin; both of which are gay. I brought this to his attention and he admitted to me he was sexually abused as a child by another man. He told both my cousin and the other man he wanted them, but we had just had a baby, and it just now coming up. He said his brother brought this up and it triggered something for him. But if he doesn’t want another man then why go behind me and tell the men he wants them?

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