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彼は私に言ったとき, 意味を成していたものがたくさん. I now understand him better.”

If your partner was sexually abusedThis information is for partners of men who have been sexually abused in childhood or sexually assaulted as adults. まあリビングで, we regularly receive requests for information and support from partners wanting to understand how to respond when their partner discloses sexual abuse, and how they might best assist their partner, 彼らの関係は、自分自身.

Initial response

あなたの近くに誰かが性的虐待されたことを聞くことは決して簡単ではありません. これはかなり衝撃として来ることができます.

彼はごく最近虐待についてあなたに話したかもしれないにもかかわらず、, 彼は一般的にかなりの時間のために何を言うかどうか、彼の心にオーバー実行されたであろう. There are some considerable barriers to men’s disclosure of sexual abuse or sexual assault. This means that sharing this information with you shows a significant belief and trust in you (見る 男性と開示: 言うことを決定する男性と開示: あなたは助けることができる方法 for more information around barriers to disclosure).

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do. The whole thing was so foreign to me and all I could think of was that I didn’t sign up for this stuff when I married him, どのように彼は私たちの生活にこれを持ってあえて. I felt angry with him and guilty all at the same time.”

人々が身近に誰かが性的虐待されたことを聞いてへの対応の様々を持って. それはあなたの感情を介して動作するように時間を必要とするかもしれないことは理解できる, 感想, physical reactions and questions that may come up, といった “どこにここから?” 人々は深い悲しみを経験し報告, 思いやり, 驚き, ショック, 不信, これをした人にだけでなく、激しい怒り. これらのすべては理解可能である, 一般的な応答.

あなた自身のために何ができる最も有用なものの一つは、種々の反応を持っていることを受け入れることです, even ones that aren’t welcome. It can be reassuring to know some of the most common thoughts and feelings for partners when hearing about sexual assault.

Common immediate reactions

ホラー

Often what you have heard about is horrible, so why wouldn’t you react in this way? Particularly if this is something you have had little experience with in your life.

不信

我々はこれらの事がで我々の世界で起こる信じたくない, 当社のパートナー, 子供, family and friends live in. It can sometimes take a while to overcome the strong desire to believe that this is not real.

怒り

We don’t like hearing about people hurting those that we care about, and often this brings out a protective urge, 我々は、人々が行為をした人が誰であるか知っている場合は特に. これは自然なことです, しかし、我々はまた、我々は彼らのために人々の戦いを戦うことができないことを知っている. 女性のための, 怒りのような激しい感情を扱うことに慣れていない, it can feel especially difficult to manage.

Resentment

When a man tells his partner he has experienced sexual abuse and or assault in the past, this introduces a new piece of information into the relationship. It is common to experience feelings of resentment over that. After all, you may have made different decisions if you had had this information before.

Frustration

You might feel frustrated that he didn’t tell you earlier, and possibly resentful that your issues and concerns now seem to be taking second place. This can be especially the case when counselling begins: The partner who has experienced the abuse can seem to be pre-occupied by the events of the past, and you may feel “locked out” or left behind.

Some partners later find themselves frustrated that he is not “getting over it” or moving forward as quickly as they would like.

これは、対処するために特に難しい反応であり、しばしば認識されていません.

あなたは、あなた自身の思考と反応の恥ずかしいと感じるかもしれ. Maybe you didn’t completely believe him at first. Maybe you wished he hadn’t told you. Maybe you had some thoughts that he should have told somebody earlier, or done something to stop it. あなたはこれらの考えやアイデアは彼のために特に有用ではないことを知っている, しかし、あなたはとにかくそれらを持っていた. あなたは、あなたのパートナーにも時間に恥を感じていることを確認することができます. これは、おそらく共有する感じです, しかし、さまざまな理由で.

悲しみ

深い傷や痛みを経験しているときに何かが常に失われ. 損失のこの感覚は、悲しみと悲しみをもたらし. 一部の人々は便利な概念は曖昧な損失と権利を奪わ悲しみのアイデアです. This refers to a loss that is not publicly recognised or validated.

例えば, the grief we experience in the case of a death, a miscarriage, or a relationship breakdown is recognised and validated by society. The grief you may feel at learning of the abuse of your partner might not be as well understood by others. その代わりに、深く個人的なとプライベートで, and unlike other losses it may not be permanent, and therefore can contain hope. それは彼らがさえ悲しみと悲しみを感じるように資格を与えているかどうかを疑問に思って嘆き悲しむ人につながることができます.

孤独

When a man is working on the effects of sexual assault, he is often on a solo journey through this process. Even though he may look for and appreciate your support and presence, 彼は時々あなたから遠いように見えるかもしれません. これはあなたのために非常に寂しいことができます.

All of the above

時には、同時に反応の数を体験することができます, 彼らはお互いに矛盾するように思えるかもしれないにもかかわらず、.

 

It was a real rollercoaster of emotions after he told me about it – I was angry, 悲しい, 最後に、それはで出ていたことを期待してオープンし、彼はそれについて私に教えて、私は十分に信頼できることを面白おかしく十分であっても幸せ. What was hardest was that I just wanted to fix it all up and make it go away and I knew that I just couldn’t wave a wand and make it all better.”

これらの感情や反応のすべては、絶対に理解できる. Judging yourself harshly or trying not to have difficult or distressing feelings about a disturbing or distressing event is not particularly useful. It can be helpful to reassure yourself that most partners experience overwhelming emotional responses, and that these usually lessen in intensity over time. 時にはそれが誰かを持っていると便利です (そしてそれはあなたのパートナーないかもしれない) 誰とは、安全に言葉にこれらの感情や考えを置くことができます.

応答のいくつかの方法

性的虐待の聴取時, 多くの人々は彼らのパートナーの世話を助け、取るために願望を体験, より良いものを作るために. 私たちは私たちの生活の中で困難な時代におけるケアとサポートからのすべての利益. 理想的に, あなたは、両方のあなたが必要とする支援にアクセスできるようになります: assistance that provides each of you individually and as a couple to experience greater sense of control, 自分の人生との関係で選択と幸福.

支援を求め、提供することに, it can be a challenge to strike the right balance between not leaving someone completely on their own to find their own way, and not taking over, rescuing or trying wrap him up in cotton wool.

We are beginning to develop a picture of what worries men, and what responses are helpful for both men who have been sexually abused and for their partners.

私はフリークのいくつかの並べ替えであるかのように私は人々が私を見たくない – 私はまだ、彼らは前に知っていた同じ男です; it’s just that they now have some new information about me.”

すでにいくつかの本当に便利なことをしたかもしれない:

問題上に読ん

It can help to make yourself familiar with common difficulties experienced by men, as well as stories of hope and resilience. A lot of the material in print, on the web, and on television are popular media stories which are sensationalized and often contain “doom and gloom.” Try to access information that affirms peoples’ capacity to grow beyond their experience of abuse.

サポートへのアクセス

Talk to and receive assistance from somebody who is able to help you to understand and process your own feelings. Talk with knowledgeable others who can assist you to understand the issues your partner has been dealing with, and who can also support you in your role.

あなた自身の健康に出席

Look after your own emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Doing so will build up your own coping and resilience, and also enable you to assist your partner to do the same. Having a model who demonstrates good self care will often encourage someone, consciously or not, to work towards this himself.

Partner was sexually abused

応答の有用な方法

彼を信じて、彼はこのことを知ってみましょう

Telling him that you believe him might be the single most valuable thing that you can say to him.

あなたは彼があなたに言ったことについてどのように感じているかを表現

彼はおそらく、あなたの表情を取り入れている, your body language, and all of the other ways that you can tell him how you are feeling, as well as the words that you say. Being open and honest about your feelings is generally a good idea.

彼はあなたが彼の機密性を尊重することを知ってみましょう

It is likely that your partner will have some sense of shame or guilt, and may not want others to know about his experiences. It is very important that you respect that this is his story and it belongs to him, and that he should tell whomever and whenever he chooses to tell, and that others are told by you only with his express permission. Having this sense of control and trust will help him move forward after years of “holding” this alone.

自分自身のための支援を求める

If he asks you to keep this information to yourself, you may be feeling unsupported. It is best to talk with him about identifying a safe and trusted person, or a counsellor perhaps, あなたからの支援を求めることができ、誰が彼の機密性を尊重すること. If you have discussed this with him, and he knows who you are seeking support from, then he will know that you want to be there for him. He may worry about you less as well.

通常の活動を継続

これは、あなたの生活の中でも、この新しい要素は、物事を変更する必要がないことをあなたのパートナーを示しています.

たまに, out of initial shock or misinformation, people can react in what are perceived as negative or unhelpful ways. あなたがつまずいていることが判明した場合, ミスを犯した, or done or said something that was not considered helpful, 自分にあまりにも難しいことはありません. It is always useful to take time to reflect on what you have heard and your own initial responses, and to gather more information, before returning to the topic with your partner.

いくつかの一般的な間違い

彼を信じていない

Denying or minimizing the impact of the experience for him, as not as bad as it seemed, or so long ago that it should be forgotten or put away somewhere, is a common reaction. それは、私たちは私たちが住んでいることを世界で起こっとして認めたくない物事に対処するのに役立ちます.

恐怖と怒りと反応

それはあなたが発生したかを是正する行動を取るしたいかもしれないことは理解できる. これは一般的な保護本能です. It is important that you don’t try to take control, but rather support your partner in his decisions around this issue.

Telling others without your partners’ knowledge

It can be difficult to hold this new information, and it is understandable that you might want to share it with others that are close to you. If you have done this you could go back to those persons and tell them about your new understanding around the need to respect your partner’s confidentiality, そしてまた、それを尊重しないように依頼.

Perhaps you are dealing with your own experience of sexual abuse or assault

あなたは、性的虐待や性的暴行の自分自身の経験をお持ちの場合, その後、あなたのパートナーの経験について聞いては特に悲惨なことができます, あなたは彼や他の誰にもそれについて語られていない場合は特に.

突然、私自身の虐待についての考えや感情が戻ってきた洪水. それをすべてをドラッグするため、私はそれを覚えてしたくなかったし、私は彼と一緒に怒っていた… 私はそれについて彼に言うことができませんでした… 今じゃない. 私が役に立たなかった. He needed my support and I felt like I was drowning.”

あなたがすることができるもの

必要に応じてサポートを受ける

あなたが信頼できる友人に話しを考慮することは有用であるかもしれない, 相対あるいはカウンセラー, either individually, as a couple, または両方. あなたはまた、性的虐待や性的暴行を経験している場合, this might be a time to find a counsellor to make sure you are properly supported, and have the opportunity to discuss the mix of issues raised for you by your partner’s disclosure to you.

あなたのパートナーに話す

これはあなたの反応についてのあなたのパートナーに話している意味するかもしれません, 自分の気持ちや考え. You may have questions you need to ask him, or things you want to reassure him about. あなたが決める場合は、性的虐待のあなたの経験について彼と話をしたい, あなたが彼から探しているものを明確にする. すべてのパートナーは、彼らがその特定の時間に助けることができる最善の方法についてのサポートや情報の恩恵を受ける. What works for one person may not be exactly what another person is looking for at that time.

詳細をご覧ください

このサイトは良いスタートです. 性的虐待の男性と女性の経験の類似性と違いの両方があります. Feel free to look at the other pages and sections of this website to educate yourself about sexual abuse and helpful ways of managing. Dispelling some of the myths and rumours around sexual assault has been very helpful for many partners, as well as reading about relationship challengescommon difficulties.

希望に満ちたまま

外傷や虐待の影響があなたのパートナーと自分自身のための終身刑である必要はありません. 回復力の多数の物語があります, 希望と回復. There are many examples of men who experience sexual assault and are able to lead healthy, 成功と感情的に安定した, 生活をやりがいと充実. They are not the “walking wounded” and this part of their lives does not have to define them.

あなたの人生を持っていることを確認し、それを続ける

それはあなた自身の利益を優先するのは簡単です, 保留中の友情との関係, 彼の問題は、自分よりも重要であることを信じる. これは理解できるものの, それはあなたのために非常に有用であり、彼のために実際に有用ではないではない.

自分の世話をするために毎日の実用的な手順

あなたはおそらくすでに自分の世話をするために多くの有用なことをやっている. あなたは、誰にもほとんど使用であってもよい, 自分を含め, あなたは、セルフケアに優先順位を付けていない場合. ザ ウェルビーイング このウェブサイトのセクションには、男性と女性両方のために有用である, あなたは性的に虐待したか否か. いくつかの特に有用な戦略かもしれません:

スリープ

あなたがそれを行うことを確認し、それをうまく行う. There are some extremely useful sleep hygiene protocols available. あなたの睡眠が悪い場合、それはあなたの健康と対処するためにあなたの能力にマイナスの影響を持つことになります.

行使

Make sure you have some exercise in your day. 秘密は、あなたが実際に楽しんでいる何かを見つけることです. 私たちのほとんど, さえの最強とは、我々が好きではない何かに固執することは難しいでしょう.

あなたの他の関係を育てる

The healthiest partnerships are relationships between people who have strong relationships with other people such as friends, 同僚や家族. これらの関係は、時間とエネルギーを必要とし、あなた自身に、これを行うための権限を与える必要があります.

あなたの身体の健康を監視

あなたは、GPとの良好な関係を持っていることを確認し、定期的な健康診断を持っている. あなたの健康を優先順位付けすることもあなたが良いを持っていることを確認することを意味し, 健康食, あなたは人生の大きな楽しみの一つとして、あなたの食事を楽しむことができる1.

Explore avenues to practise relaxation

This could be through mindfulness, ヨガ, 太極拳, と瞑想, 自然の中で時間を過ごす, あなたの精神的なニーズへの出席, 他人と深く接続する有意義な方法を見つけること.

あなたがそれを必要とする場合、さらにサポートにアクセス

あなたもすでに支援するための独自のリソースとネットワークを使用されている可能性があり. これは非常に便利です. あなたは、いくつかの有用な読書や情報にアクセスできることもあったかもしれない. あなたが見つけた場合は自分では圧倒さ感じたり、ほんの少し多くの支持と支援をご希望の場合は、カウンセラーやセラピストトラウマを理解し、関係に性的暴行の影響を確認するために予約を検討可能性があり.

 

5 注釈

  1. Comment by Marian Worldon

    Marian Worldon 応答 10月 16, 2016 11:20 午後

    My husband of 40 + years I care for him but he doesn’t have feelings for me. He has been verbally abusive to me for so long. He has slept on his own for 16 yrs. He told me his been going to a meeting place for gay men & having sex with random men. Even contracting herpes in 2014. I feel angry sad, dead inside and suicidal. How can I feel normal again. I cant eat or make eye contact with him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but he hurt me so bad I cry we have 3 adult children & granchildren. I cant get this out of my mind I hate him I don’t work I’m nearly 60yrs old He had counseling and was told to go ahead and have sex with men if he wants. I just want to die he doesn’t care how much hes hurt me. I cant talk to him or look at him I feel like dying, I really do. I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life and suicidal. I çant smile not happy anymore. I don’t want anymore conseling I had it foŕ years due to my depression. What can I do?

    thankyou
    メアリー

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 10月 28, 2016 11:27 上の

      こんにちはメアリー,

      Thanks for reaching out to us in this difficult time. I’m so sorry to hear you are in such a terrible bind. I have to say this almost sounds like an abusive relationship, as your needs are being knowingly and completely ignored and disrespected.. to the point where you feel miserable, 失った, trapped and without any control over the situation.

      We have a page with some information for partners where there is conflict they may be a bit of help, however what I’m hearing is that your situation seems hopeless. You’re sure your husband has no feelings for you and has accepted no responsibility for how much he has hurt you. This definitely indicates he is not willing to change.

      Regardless of whether or not a partner has experienced sexual violence, abusive and damaging behaviour is unacceptable and you are under no obligation to tolerate it. I’m getting the sense though that your options are very limited here; you mentioned that you do not work which puts you in a very difficult position. You mentioned that you have three adult children, and I can understand not wanting to put them in the middle. Are there any other family, friends or people you are close to who are they able to support you (either practically or emotionally) そもそも? As this seems like far too much to go through alone.

      You also mentioned you’re not open to counselling as you’ve gone through this process for a long time for depression. I wonder though if it could be helpful to try again with a purely practical (or solution focused) aim? To explore your situation, your options, and any barriers or fears you have in regard to taking your various possible courses of action? This kind of counselling can be quite different to counselling for depression.

      Whether or not this is something you’re willing to give a go, the best thing you can do Mary is to ensure you take care of yourself through this highly stressful and painful timeand I don’t mean that as a meaninglesstake care!” I mean making the time to engage in things that will help you cope, build your resilience and well-being, and make you feel stronger. Self care can give you a more stable base from which to deal with a situation that may otherwise feel unbearable. It is for this reason we place such a high priority on the well-being section of our website. Please take a look and see if there are any strategies in there that may assist in building up your resilience.

      Mary please 連絡を取る with us if you would like to chat more about what is going on for you. We can talk over the phone or through email.
      Wishing you the best.

  2. Comment by Marian

    マリアン 応答 1月 11, 2017 10:51 午後

    What is your phone number? I don’t handle things well

    感謝の意
    マリアン

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 1月 18, 2017 9:28 上の

      If you’d like to talk to one of our counsellors, you can get in touch with us at (07) 3028 4648. I’ve also sent you an email.

  3. Comment by Nads

    Nads 応答 5月 15, 2017 10:31 午後

    My boyfriend just told me about a sexual abuse he had when he was very little. He never spoke about this with anyone in his whole life and he just told me after four years of relationship. The thing that worries me is the way he talks about it, it makes it seem like it’s not a big issue and that it’s in the past so it’s not a problem anymore. I’m concerned as I think there must be some kind of trauma behind it , but I don’t know how to behave. He obviously doesn’t like to talk about it, or to talk about any painful or uncomfortable feeling. A lot of his character tracts now makes much more sense.. like his not trusting anyone else apart from himself, or his cold way of seeing life. Do you have any advice to give me?

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