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Quando mi ha detto, un sacco di cose avevano un senso. I now understand him better.”

If your partner was sexually abusedThis information is for partners of men who have been sexually abused in childhood or sexually assaulted as adults. A Living Well, we regularly receive requests for information and support from partners wanting to understand how to respond when their partner discloses sexual abuse, and how they might best assist their partner, la loro relazione e si.

Initial response

Sentendo che qualcuno vicino a voi è stato abusato sessualmente non è mai facile. Essa può venire come uno shock.

Anche se può aver recentemente detto solo che circa l'abuso, lui di solito sarebbe stato in esecuzione nella sua mente se dire nulla per un bel po 'di tempo. There are some considerable barriers to men’s disclosure of sexual abuse or sexual assault. This means that sharing this information with you shows a significant belief and trust in you (Vedere Uomini e divulgazione: Decidere di raccontare e Uomini e divulgazione: Come si può aiutare for more information around barriers to disclosure).

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do. The whole thing was so foreign to me and all I could think of was that I didn’t sign up for this stuff when I married him, come osa portare questo nella nostra vita. I felt angry with him and guilty all at the same time.”

Le persone hanno una varietà di risposte di sentire che qualcuno vicino a loro è stato abusato sessualmente. E 'comprensibile che si può avere bisogno di tempo per lavorare attraverso i tuoi sentimenti, pensieri, physical reactions and questions that may come up, come “dove da qui?” Persone relazione vivendo una profonda tristezza, compassione, sorpresa, scossa, incredulità, così come intensa rabbia verso la persona che ha fatto questo. Tutti questi sono comprensibili, risposte comuni.

Una delle cose più utili che si possono fare per te è quello di accettare il fatto che si avrà una varietà di reazioni, even ones that aren’t welcome. It can be reassuring to know some of the most common thoughts and feelings for partners when hearing about sexual assault.

Common immediate reactions

Horror

Often what you have heard about is horrible, so why wouldn’t you react in this way? Particularly if this is something you have had little experience with in your life.

Incredulità

Noi non vogliamo credere a queste cose accadono nel mondo in cui ci, i nostri partner, bambini, family and friends live in. It can sometimes take a while to overcome the strong desire to believe that this is not real.

Rabbia

We don’t like hearing about people hurting those that we care about, and often this brings out a protective urge, soprattutto se sappiamo che la gente è che ha commesso gli atti. Questo è naturale, ma sappiamo anche che non possiamo combattere battaglie della gente per loro. Per le donne, non abituati a trattare con questi sentimenti intensi di rabbia, it can feel especially difficult to manage.

Resentment

When a man tells his partner he has experienced sexual abuse and or assault in the past, this introduces a new piece of information into the relationship. It is common to experience feelings of resentment over that. After all, you may have made different decisions if you had had this information before.

Frustration

You might feel frustrated that he didn’t tell you earlier, and possibly resentful that your issues and concerns now seem to be taking second place. This can be especially the case when counselling begins: The partner who has experienced the abuse can seem to be pre-occupied by the events of the past, and you may feel “locked out” or left behind.

Some partners later find themselves frustrated that he is not “getting over it” or moving forward as quickly as they would like.

Vergogna

Questa è una reazione particolarmente difficile da affrontare e spesso non riconosciuta.

Si può sentire vergogna dei vostri pensieri e le reazioni. Maybe you didn’t completely believe him at first. Maybe you wished he hadn’t told you. Maybe you had some thoughts that he should have told somebody earlier, or done something to stop it. Sai che questi pensieri e le idee non sono particolarmente utili per lo, ma hai avuto loro comunque. Potete essere sicuri che il vostro partner ha anche provato vergogna a volte. Questo è un sentimento che probabilmente parti, ma per motivi diversi.

Tristezza

Quando profonda sofferenza ed il dolore si sperimentano qualcosa viene sempre perso. Questo senso di perdita porta tristezza e dolore. Un concetto di alcune persone trovano utile è l'idea della perdita di ambiguo e di dolore diseredati. This refers to a loss that is not publicly recognised or validated.

Per esempio, the grief we experience in the case of a death, a miscarriage, or a relationship breakdown is recognised and validated by society. The grief you may feel at learning of the abuse of your partner might not be as well understood by others. Invece è profondamente personale e privato, and unlike other losses it may not be permanent, and therefore can contain hope. Può portare alla griever chiedendosi se sono anche diritto a percepire il dolore e la tristezza.

Solitudine

When a man is working on the effects of sexual assault, he is often on a solo journey through this process. Even though he may look for and appreciate your support and presence, egli può a volte sembrare distante da voi. Questo può essere molto solo per voi.

All of the above

A volte si può sperimentare una serie di reazioni, allo stesso tempo, anche se potrebbero sembrare in contraddizione tra di loro.

 

It was a real rollercoaster of emotions after he told me about it – I was angry, triste, speranza che finalmente era fuori all'aperto e Stranamente anche felice che si fidava di me abbastanza da dirmi a riguardo. What was hardest was that I just wanted to fix it all up and make it go away and I knew that I just couldn’t wave a wand and make it all better.”

Tutti questi sentimenti e le reazioni sono assolutamente comprensibili. Judging yourself harshly or trying not to have difficult or distressing feelings about a disturbing or distressing event is not particularly useful. It can be helpful to reassure yourself that most partners experience overwhelming emotional responses, and that these usually lessen in intensity over time. A volte può essere utile avere qualcuno (e non può essere il vostro partner) con il quale si può tranquillamente mettere questi sentimenti e pensieri in parole.

Alcuni modi di rispondere

Dopo aver sentito degli abusi sessuali, molti hanno avuto il desiderio di aiutare e prendersi cura del proprio partner, per contribuire a rendere le cose migliori. Noi tutti beneficio dalla cura e sostegno nei momenti difficili della nostra vita. Idealmente, si sia in grado di accedere l'assistenza necessaria: assistance that provides each of you individually and as a couple to experience greater sense of control, scelta e benessere nelle vostre vite e le relazioni.

Nella ricerca e l'offerta di assistenza, it can be a challenge to strike the right balance between not leaving someone completely on their own to find their own way, and not taking over, rescuing or trying wrap him up in cotton wool.

We are beginning to develop a picture of what worries men, and what responses are helpful for both men who have been sexually abused and for their partners.

Io non voglio che la gente mi guarda come se fossi una specie di mostro – Sono ancora lo stesso ragazzo che conoscevano prima; it’s just that they now have some new information about me.”

Forse avete già fatto delle cose veramente utili:

Leggendo sul tema

It can help to make yourself familiar with common difficulties experienced by men, as well as stories of hope and resilience. A lot of the material in print, on the web, and on television are popular media stories which are sensationalized and often contain “doom and gloom.” Try to access information that affirms peoples’ capacity to grow beyond their experience of abuse.

Accesso al supporto

Talk to and receive assistance from somebody who is able to help you to understand and process your own feelings. Talk with knowledgeable others who can assist you to understand the issues your partner has been dealing with, and who can also support you in your role.

Assistere alla propria salute

Look after your own emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Doing so will build up your own coping and resilience, and also enable you to assist your partner to do the same. Having a model who demonstrates good self care will often encourage someone, consciously or not, to work towards this himself.

Partner was sexually abused

Modi utili per rispondere

Credono in lui e fargli sapere questo

Telling him that you believe him might be the single most valuable thing that you can say to him.

Esprimere come ci si sente su ciò che ha detto

E 'stato probabilmente prendendo nelle vostre espressioni facciali, your body language, and all of the other ways that you can tell him how you are feeling, as well as the words that you say. Being open and honest about your feelings is generally a good idea.

Fategli sapere che rispetterete la sua riservatezza

It is likely that your partner will have some sense of shame or guilt, and may not want others to know about his experiences. It is very important that you respect that this is his story and it belongs to him, and that he should tell whomever and whenever he chooses to tell, and that others are told by you only with his express permission. Avendo questo senso di controllo e di fiducia lo aiuterà a progredire dopo anni di "azienda" questo da solo.

Cercare sostegno per te

If he asks you to keep this information to yourself, you may be feeling unsupported. It is best to talk with him about identifying a safe and trusted person, or a counsellor perhaps, che si può cercare sostegno da e che rispetterete la sua riservatezza. If you have discussed this with him, and he knows who you are seeking support from, then he will know that you want to be there for him. He may worry about you less as well.

Continuate le vostre attività abituali

Questo mostra il vostro partner che anche questo nuovo elemento nella vostra vita non ha bisogno di cambiare le cose.

A volte, out of initial shock or misinformation, people can react in what are perceived as negative or unhelpful ways. Se trovate che avete inciampato, fatto un errore, or done or said something that was not considered helpful, non essere troppo duro con te stesso. It is always useful to take time to reflect on what you have heard and your own initial responses, and to gather more information, before returning to the topic with your partner.

Alcuni errori comuni

Non lui credendo

Denying or minimizing the impact of the experience for him, as not as bad as it seemed, or so long ago that it should be forgotten or put away somewhere, is a common reaction. Può aiutarci a che fare con le cose che non vogliamo riconoscere come accade nel mondo in cui viviamo.

Reagendo con orrore e indignazione

E 'comprensibile che si potrebbe desiderare di assumere iniziative per compensare ciò che è accaduto. Questo è un istinto di protezione comune. It is important that you don’t try to take control, but rather support your partner in his decisions around this issue.

Telling others without your partners’ knowledge

It can be difficult to hold this new information, and it is understandable that you might want to share it with others that are close to you. If you have done this you could go back to those persons and tell them about your new understanding around the need to respect your partner’s confidentiality, e chiedere loro di fare rispettare anche.

Perhaps you are dealing with your own experience of sexual abuse or assault

Se avete la vostra esperienza di abuso sessuale o di violenza sessuale, poi sentir parlare dell'esperienza del vostro partner può essere particolarmente dolorosa, soprattutto se non si è parlato di lui o chiunque altro.

Improvvisamente pensieri e sentimenti riguardo la mia abuso è ritornata. Non ho voluto ricordarlo ed ero arrabbiato con lui per trascinare il tutto… ma non potevo raccontarlo… non ora. Ero inutile. He needed my support and I felt like I was drowning.”

Cosa si può fare

Ottenere supporto, se necessario,

Potrebbe essere utile per voi di prendere in considerazione parlando con un amico fidato, parente o anche un consigliere, either individually, as a couple, o entrambi. Se avete sperimentato anche l'abuso sessuale o di violenza sessuale, this might be a time to find a counsellor to make sure you are properly supported, and have the opportunity to discuss the mix of issues raised for you by your partner’s disclosure to you.

Parlate con il vostro partner

Questo può significare parlare con il vostro partner circa le vostre reazioni, i tuoi sentimenti e pensieri. You may have questions you need to ask him, or things you want to reassure him about. Se si decide che si desidera parlare con lui circa la vostra esperienza di abuso sessuale, essere chiari su ciò che si sta cercando da lui. Tutti i partner beneficiano di sostegno e le informazioni su come meglio possono aiutare in quel particolare momento. What works for one person may not be exactly what another person is looking for at that time.

Per saperne di più

Questo sito è un buon inizio. Ci sono sia somiglianze e differenze negli uomini e le esperienze di abuso sessuale delle donne. Feel free to look at the other pages and sections of this website to educate yourself about sexual abuse and helpful ways of managing. Dispelling some of the myths and rumours around sexual assault has been very helpful for many partners, as well as reading about relationship challenges e common difficulties.

Rimanere speranzoso

Gli effetti dei traumi e abusi non devono essere una condanna a vita per il vostro partner e te stesso. Ci sono numerose storie di resilienza, speranza e di recupero. There are many examples of men who experience sexual assault and are able to lead healthy, successo ed emotivamente stabile, gratificante e appagante vita. They are not the “walking wounded” and this part of their lives does not have to define them.

Assicurarsi di avere una vita e portarla avanti

E 'facile mettere i propri interessi, amicizie e relazioni in attesa, credendo che i suoi problemi sono più importanti il ​​proprio. Mentre questo è comprensibile, non è molto utile per voi e in realtà non utile per lui.

Ogni giorno i passi pratici per prenderti cura di te

Probabilmente si sta già facendo molte cose utili per prendersi cura di voi stessi. Si può essere di scarsa utilità per nessuno, compreso te stesso, se non la priorità la cura di sé. Il benessere sezione di questo sito sono utili sia per gli uomini e le donne, se siete stati vittime di abusi sessuali o non. Alcune strategie particolarmente utili potrebbero essere:

Sonno

Assicurati di farlo e farlo bene. There are some extremely useful sleep hygiene protocols available. Se il sonno è male allora avrà un effetto negativo sulla vostra salute e la vostra capacità di far fronte.

Esercitare

Make sure you have some exercise in your day. Il segreto è quello di trovare qualcosa che ti piace veramente. La maggior parte di noi, anche con il più forte dei troveranno difficile attenersi a qualcosa che non ci piace.

Coltiva le altre relazioni

The healthiest partnerships are relationships between people who have strong relationships with other people such as friends, colleghi e familiari. Queste relazioni richiedono tempo ed energia ed è necessario dare il permesso di fare questo.

Monitorare la salute fisica

Assicurati di avere un buon rapporto con un medico di famiglia ed avere regolari controlli sanitari. Dare la priorità alla salute significa anche fare in modo di avere un buon, dieta sana, e una in cui si può gustare il cibo come uno dei grandi piaceri della vita.

Explore avenues to practise relaxation

This could be through mindfulness, yoga, tai-chi, e la meditazione, trascorrere del tempo in natura, rispondere alle vostre necessità spirituali, e di trovare modi significativi per connettersi profondamente con gli altri.

L'accesso ulteriore supporto in caso di necessità

Potrebbe anche essere stato già utilizzando le proprie risorse e le reti per il supporto. Questo può essere molto utile. Si può anche essere stato in grado di accedere ad alcune letture e informazioni utili. Se vi capita di sentirvi sopraffatti o se vorrei solo un po 'più di sostegno e di assistenza si potrebbe considerare la prenotazione per vedere un consulente o terapeuta che conosce bene il trauma e l'impatto della violenza sessuale sulle relazioni.

 

5 commenti

  1. Comment by Marian Worldon

    Marian Worldon rispondere Ottobre 16, 2016 a 11:20 pm

    My husband of 40 + years I care for him but he doesn’t have feelings for me. He has been verbally abusive to me for so long. He has slept on his own for 16 yrs. He told me his been going to a meeting place for gay men & having sex with random men. Even contracting herpes in 2014. I feel angry sad, dead inside and suicidal. How can I feel normal again. I cant eat or make eye contact with him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but he hurt me so bad I cry we have 3 adult children & granchildren. I cant get this out of my mind I hate him I don’t work I’m nearly 60yrs old He had counseling and was told to go ahead and have sex with men if he wants. I just want to die he doesn’t care how much hes hurt me. I cant talk to him or look at him I feel like dying, I really do. I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life and suicidal. I çant smile not happy anymore. I don’t want anymore conseling I had it foŕ years due to my depression. What can I do?

    thankyou
    Maria

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Ottobre 28, 2016 a 11:27 su

      Ciao Mary,

      Thanks for reaching out to us in this difficult time. I’m so sorry to hear you are in such a terrible bind. I have to say this almost sounds like an abusive relationship, as your needs are being knowingly and completely ignored and disrespected.. to the point where you feel miserable, perduto, trapped and without any control over the situation.

      We have a page with some information for partners where there is conflict they may be a bit of help, however what I’m hearing is that your situation seems hopeless. You’re sure your husband has no feelings for you and has accepted no responsibility for how much he has hurt you. This definitely indicates he is not willing to change.

      Regardless of whether or not a partner has experienced sexual violence, abusive and damaging behaviour is unacceptable and you are under no obligation to tolerate it. I’m getting the sense though that your options are very limited here; you mentioned that you do not work which puts you in a very difficult position. You mentioned that you have three adult children, and I can understand not wanting to put them in the middle. Are there any other family, friends or people you are close to who are they able to support you (either practically or emotionally) affatto? As this seems like far too much to go through alone.

      You also mentioned you’re not open to counselling as you’ve gone through this process for a long time for depression. I wonder though if it could be helpful to try again with a purely practical (or solution focused) aim? To explore your situation, your options, and any barriers or fears you have in regard to taking your various possible courses of action? This kind of counselling can be quite different to counselling for depression.

      Whether or not this is something you’re willing to give a go, the best thing you can do Mary is to ensure you take care of yourself through this highly stressful and painful timeand I don’t mean that as a meaninglesstake care!” I mean making the time to engage in things that will help you cope, build your resilience and well-being, and make you feel stronger. Self care can give you a more stable base from which to deal with a situation that may otherwise feel unbearable. It is for this reason we place such a high priority on the well-being section of our website. Please take a look and see if there are any strategies in there that may assist in building up your resilience.

      Mary please get in touch with us if you would like to chat more about what is going on for you. We can talk over the phone or through email.
      Wishing you the best.

  2. Comment by Marian

    Mariano rispondere Gennaio 11, 2017 a 10:51 pm

    What is your phone number? I don’t handle things well

    Grazie
    Mariano

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Gennaio 18, 2017 a 9:28 su

      If you’d like to talk to one of our counsellors, you can get in touch with us at (07) 3028 4648. I’ve also sent you an email.

  3. Comment by Nads

    Nads rispondere Maggio 15, 2017 a 10:31 pm

    My boyfriend just told me about a sexual abuse he had when he was very little. He never spoke about this with anyone in his whole life and he just told me after four years of relationship. The thing that worries me is the way he talks about it, it makes it seem like it’s not a big issue and that it’s in the past so it’s not a problem anymore. I’m concerned as I think there must be some kind of trauma behind it , but I don’t know how to behave. He obviously doesn’t like to talk about it, or to talk about any painful or uncomfortable feeling. A lot of his character tracts now makes much more sense.. like his not trusting anyone else apart from himself, or his cold way of seeing life. Do you have any advice to give me?

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