Lối thoát

I thought I was doing okay. We were talking. She knows I love her, because I tell her. Now she says she wants more intimacy.

Intimacy is a sense of closeness or togetherness shared with another person that can take some time and work to establish in a relationship. For men who have experienced child sexual abuse or sexual assault, like many men, trở nên thoải mái với sự thân mật có thể là một thách thức. Dưới đây là một số thông tin về sự thân mật, thông tin chi tiết của một số các khó khăn một người đàn ông đã trải qua nạn nhân tình dục có thể phải đối mặt, cùng với những gợi ý về cách để phát triển hơn nữa sự thân mật trong mối quan hệ.

Thân mật là gì?

Sự gần gũi là một kết nối cá nhân gần gũi giữa hai người đó thường phát triển theo thời gian. Typically, trẻ em học hỏi và phát triển các mối quan hệ thân mật thông qua tương tác với các bậc cha mẹ và các thành viên trong gia đình gần gũi. Khi chúng ta già đi cơ hội phát sinh để phát triển quan hệ thân mật hơn bên ngoài của ngôi nhà, để biết được người, lập cam kết và tin tưởng, kết nối xây dựng thông qua công việc, chơi, quan hệ tình dục, làm cha mẹ, vv. The journey towards creating intimate relationships is therefore potentially never ending and everyone’s experience in growing up and learning about intimacy is going to be different:

Đàn ông, sexual abuse and intimacy

Cultural beliefs about men, about what a man should stereotypically do and be, influence how men understand and relate to intimacy. When the traditional man’s role of breadwinner, going out to work in order to provide food and shelter, was dominant, there was little expectation that men should learn about or put energy into developing more intimate relationships. Hiện nay, tuy nhiên, Các đối tác, men and their children are seeking a greater degree of intimacy.

What do you know about intimacy?
What training did you receive in intimacy while you were growing up?
Are you or your partner seeking to invite intimacy into your lives?

A difficulty that men face with regards to developing intimacy in relationships is that there is an expectation that, as men, they should stand on their own two feet and be firmly self-reliant. This expectation can make men reluctant to acknowledge personal struggles or vulnerabilities, yet the disclosure of worries and difficulties can lead to greater intimacy. Further difficulties are created for men by the cultural habit of mixing up sex and intimacy, where intimacy is seen and used in an instrumental way as something you do in order to obtain sex. Although sex is often an important part of a close intimate relationship and can increase feelings of intimacy, sex and intimacy are not one and the same. There can be intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy.

For men who have experienced sexual violence, confusion and uncertainty around intimacy is understandable, if you consider how some people who perpetrate sexual abuse invest considerable time and effort in getting to know a child, to build trust and a sense of intimacy in order to commit sexual abuse. The person committing sexual abuse might even tell themselves that they love a child and that this is a mutual relationship. When sexual abuse involves such a profound betrayal of trust, it is not surprising that closeness in future relationships can evoke discomfort and be difficult to manage. An experience of child sexual abuse can lead to:

  • Reluctance to trust someone or let anyone get close
  • Perceiving any expression of care or attention as a sign of sexual interest or precursor to sexual activity.
  • Wariness about sharing personal information, due to the way it has been manipulated and used in the past
  • Uncomfortableness with gentle touch or touch without prior specific agreement.
  • Difficulties with any sexual intimacy, due to the fact it can trigger flashbacks.

These difficulties, although not insurmountable, can take some time and patience to sort out. What can make problems related to intimacy extra tricky to work out is that sometimes in order to gain assistance a man might feel pressured to speak about a history of sexual abuse (something he may not have previously told anyone about).

Becoming clear about and developing intimacy

In seeking to develop more intimate caring relationships, it can be useful to explicitly differentiate sexual intimacy from other forms of intimacy. The following list identifies a number of opportunities for enhancing intimacy in relationships:

  • Emotional Intimacy – you are able to share a wide range of both positive and negative feelings without fear of judgement or rejection
  • Physical Intimacy – The delight in being sensual, playful, and sensitive in sexual intimacy that is joyful and fulfilling for both partners.
  • Intellectual Intimacy – Sharing ideas or talking about issues or even hotly debating opinions and still respect each other’s beliefs and views
  • Spiritual Intimacy – discussing how spirituality works in our lives, trong một cách như vậy mà chúng tôi tôn trọng lẫn nhau nhu cầu tinh thần đặc biệt và niềm tin
  • Xung đột Intimacy – the ability to work through our differences in a fair way, và đạt được các giải pháp được rộng rãi và thoả đáng, công nhận rằng các giải pháp hoàn hảo không phải là một phần của cuộc sống con người.
  • Intimacy công việc – You are able to agree on ways to share the common loads of tasks in maintaining your home, thu nhập, và theo đuổi mục tiêu hai bên thoả thuận khác.
  • Intimacy làm cha mẹ – If you have children, bạn đã phát triển cách thức chia sẻ của việc hỗ trợ cho nhau trong khi cho phép trẻ em của chúng tôi để phát triển và trở thành những cá nhân riêng biệt.
  • Khủng hoảng Intimacy – You are able to stand together in times of crisis, cả bên ngoài và nội bộ để mối quan hệ và cung cấp hỗ trợ và sự hiểu biết của chúng tôi.
  • Intimacy thẩm mỹ – Being delighted in beauty, nghệ thuật âm nhạc, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences and each of us is prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.
  • Play Intimacy – Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humor.[1]

The intention of the above list is to help highlight the multiple possibilities and opportunities for intimacy in relationships.

In seeking to make intimacy more a part of your life and relationships, it is important to recognise that intimacy is relational. Intimacy is not something you can do on your own, the degrees of intimacy possible in a relationship is dependent on there being a shared commitment and interest. Negotiating and building intimacy in relationships is, vì thế, reliant on a clear knowledge of your own and a partner’s preferences and a willingness to put time and energy into the relationship. You might consider:

  • What kind of relationship do you want?
  • What brings you closer to people, what pushes you away?
  • Are you aware of your friends or partner’s likes or dislikes, what builds connections in your relationship with them?
  • How close a relationship do you/they want?
  • What time and energy are you willing to put in to developing intimacy in this relationship?
  • How might you make them aware of your interest in building greater intimacy on a number of levels?

In posing these questions, it is recognized that there is no prescribed right way of ‘being intimate’ in a relationship. No two relationships are alike. Although what has gone before might provide a guide to a man’s preferences or areas he might want to work on, history does not dictate the future.

Becoming comfortable with intimacy is not easily worked out on your own. Relationships can provide opportunities for learning, healing and change for both parties. As the below partners of men who have experienced sexual abuse highlight:

He’s good at being independent and he knows how to take care of himself. Even though he’s not that good at intimacy, I am. So having learnt off each other I am more ndependent and he is more intimate.

I used to complain saying ‘you haven’t said you love me in ages,’ once I realised that this wasn’t getting what I wanted from him, I started telling him that I need to feel loved sometimes and I explained to him what makes me feel loved.

As indicated earlier, building and maintaining intimacy in relationships is likely to be a life long project. It is not something you do just once. Also, it is useful to recognise that what builds intimacy in relationships changes, as people’s preferences and choices change over time.

Practical tips for building and maintaining intimacy

Some practical tips to help men understand and enhance intimacy and love in a relationship are offered by in the book Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts[2]. This book encourages men to talk with their partners and to learn about and attend to both, their own and their partner’s preferred ways of developing closeness and expressing care. In doing so it demystifies love and intimacy, presenting information in a practical useful way.

If you were asked, could you identify your preferred ‘love language’ and that of your partner from the following list?

  • Words of AffirmationCompliments, words of appreciation, positive feedback about specific things your partner has done.
  • Quality TimeTogethernessgiving undivided attention, more than just physical proximity. Quality conversationtalking about your day, keeping each other up-to-date, expressing your feelings, being available to listen with care.
  • Receiving GiftsPutting time and thought into creating/buying gifts. The gift of your ‘self’ – simply being there at crucial times
  • Acts of ServiceDoing practical tasks for your partner eg. Household chores. Particularly doing these without being asked
  • Physical TouchLoving touch crucial to healthy emotional development for babies and children. Affection is also important for adults, in addition to sexual touch

Possession of knowledge of your own and your partner’s preferred ways of relating is important. Just as important is letting people know and acting on these preferences in ways and at times when it will build intimacy.

Vâng, Không, Maybe So: A sexual inventory stocklist

A great tool for developing safe intimacy in a sexual relationship can be found at this sex ed website.

The above information is not intended as a comprehensive guide to men and intimacy following an experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault, more an invitation to explore possibilities for developing intimacy in caring supportive relationships. An experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault might mean that extra patience is required in some areas or there is a need to speak to someone in order to gain extra assistance, it does not however define the possibilities for intimacy in relationships.

Tài liệu tham khảo
  1. Augsburger, D. (1988) Sustaining Love, Regal Publishing.
  2. Chapman, G. (2004) Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield Press.

 

8 comments

  1. Comment by sean

    sean Trả lời June 20, 2014 tại 3:04 pm

    this was very helpful as I am trying to learn what it means to be intimate in our relationship. thanks heaps

  2. Comment by D.D.

    D.D. Trả lời June 20, 2014 tại 4:21 pm

    Thank you for the information on developing an intimate relationship it is very help and interesting and gives support to me some others and again thank you for helping me.
    D.D.
    Tháng Chín 10,2013

  3. Comment by Tim

    Tim Trả lời October 15, 2015 tại 4:43 pm

    Great information, especially the books as guides. I have always felt devoid of giving or knowing how to actually care for the ladies I have dated. My main goal was sex, after sex I felt empty. Growing up my mother wasn’t there very much emotionally and my step dad was an alcoholic. I want closeness with women but never knew how. Cảm ơn.

  4. Comment by Ingred

    Ingred Trả lời June 9, 2016 tại 8:46 pm

    Sex is important in a relationship. Tôi đã gặp một người đàn ông tuyệt vời khoảng một năm trước ai sẽ chăm sóc của mọi nhu cầu của tôi, ngoại trừ quan hệ tình dục. Chung tôi lam mọi chuyện cung nhau, như nấu ăn, xem phim, đi dạo. cả hai chúng tôi yêu thiên nhiên và chúng tôi thậm chí ngủ cùng nhau – nhưng không có quan hệ tình dục. Tôi thấy nó lạ.

    • Comment by kelsey

      kelsey Trả lời May 10, 2017 tại 6:17 am

      How do you deal with that? I am dealing with the exact same thing. Except, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t french kiss me, he doesn’t want to do anything sexual. Does this bug you? Have you found ways to help ease him into it?

    • Comment by kelsey

      kelsey Trả lời May 10, 2017 tại 6:19 am

      Also, we were having sex, but then it stopped when he becameattachedto me, because the person who raped him was a girlfriend he was attached to (that is what he said). This all started happening after his sister got raped this last thanksgiving. I am just hoping that he is just working through it and that this was a trigger for him. I really hope that this means that he will never want to do anything sexual again because we areattached”.

  5. Comment by Carla

    Carla Trả lời Tháng mười một 19, 2017 tại 6:00 pm

    I’ve been dating a guy for 6 1/2 years. When we first met things were great. It took him a long time to say I love you, we dated 6 months before he said it, then soon after he started pulling away. On the ninth month he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me. We broke up. A gut feeling told me something had happened so I sent him a long email asking him was there something deeply deeply rooted in his past? and if so would he consider going to counselling? he said yes.

    Sau 8 months he came back, in July 2013, telling me he knew he wanted a relationship with me. He said he never wanted to lose me, but we would have to take baby steps.

    We live two and a half hours apart so even before we only saw each other every other weekend. This time around we started out just once a month for the first few months, and then we built back into every other weekend. It took him until January 2015 to tell me he loved me againthen slowly I felt him pulling away again. Now here we are, Tháng mười một 2017. He broke up with me again at the end of October, saying he loved me but he didn’t feel like he was in love with me anymore.

    I’ve sent him articles on how when men who have been sexually abused tend to pull away from someone when they getting really close. He says he was upset with himself because he doesn’t know why he feels the way he does. That he knows he will regret losing me.

    He was sexually abused by his uncle and physically abused by his dad. His mom left when he was about 9 and he didn’t see her anymore until he went to see her when he was 16. He has been married twice, that’s why I cheated on him. He had never shared this with anyone until he shared it with me and the counsellor he spoke to in 2012.

    So all these things tell me that he does love me and he’s very close with me but I don’t know what else to do. He has started counselling again 2 weeks ago, I just pray he gets to the right kind of counsellor this time. The counsellor in 2012 never suggested couples counselling. I told him in order to go forward at some point I thought we needed to go to counselling together. I encouraged him to continue going to counselling when we got back together in 2013, but of course he didn’t listen. Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciate it. Thank you

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Staff]

      Jess [Living Well Staff] Trả lời Tháng giêng 3, 2018 tại 4:00 pm

      Hi Carla,

      Thanks for sharing your experience here. That takes some bravery.

      I think in this situation you have done really well to encourage your partner to obtain support, and to also suggest couples counselling. It sounds like you have been there for him and have made it clear you’re willing to support him and work through the difficulties. You’ve mentioned youdon’t know what else to do,” however it sounds like what you have done already are the best things you can do. Moving forward, the rest is really up to him. It is not your responsibility to fix him. There comes a stage where all you can really do is step back and hope he becomes ready to take a few steps forward himself. I know this can be hard to do and takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately a history of childhood trauma does take time to process and move through, and often giving it time is the only thing we can do.

      Please know that you are not alone in your struggles with this situation. We know that it can be very difficult for partners of men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Knowing how to respond, and how to best provide support and care, without pressure or judgment, can be a delicate balance.

      With this in mind we’ve created a Đối với các đối tác section on this website. I think for you the articles on common relationship challenges and frequently asked questions from partners of men. I hope you find it helpful.

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