출구

I thought I was doing okay. We were talking. She knows I love her, because I tell her. 이제 그녀는 그녀가 더 친밀감을 원한다 말한다.

친밀감은 시간이 좀 걸릴과 관계 설정 작업 할 수 있습니다 다른 사람과 공유 친밀감 또는 공생의 감각. 아동 성적 학대 나 성폭력을 경험 한 남성, 많은 남자처럼, 친밀감과 함께 편안한되는 것은 도전이 될 수 있습니다. 다음은 친밀감에 대한 몇 가지 정보입니다, 어려움의 일부에 직면 할 수 있습니다 성적 피해를 경험 한 남자의 세부 사항, 또한 관계에서 친밀감을 개발하는 방법에 대한 제안과 함께.

친밀감은 무엇인가?

친밀감은 일반적으로 시간이 지남에 개발 이명 사이에 밀접한 개인 연결입니다. 일반적으로, 아이들은 배우고 부모와 가까운 가족 구성원들과의 상호 작용을 통해 친밀한 관계를 발전. As we grow older opportunities arise to develop more intimate relationships outside of the home, getting to know people, establishing commitment and trust, building connections through work, 놀이, sexual contact, 육아, 등. The journey towards creating intimate relationships is therefore potentially never ending and everyone’s experience in growing up and learning about intimacy is going to be different:

남성, sexual abuse and intimacy

Cultural beliefs about men, about what a man should stereotypically do and be, influence how men understand and relate to intimacy. When the traditional man’s role of breadwinner, going out to work in order to provide food and shelter, was dominant, there was little expectation that men should learn about or put energy into developing more intimate relationships. 지금, 그러나, 파트너, 남성과 그들의 아이들은 친밀감의 큰 학위를 찾고 있습니다.

당신이 친밀감에 대해 알고?
당신이 성장하는 동안 당신은 친밀감에 받았 는가 무엇 훈련?
당신이나 당신의 파트너가 당신의 삶에 친밀감을 초대 찾고 있습니다?

사람들이 관계에서 친밀감의 개발에 관련하여 직면 할 어려움이 예상이 있다는 것을, 남자로, they should stand on their own two feet and be firmly self-reliant. This expectation can make men reluctant to acknowledge personal struggles or vulnerabilities, yet the disclosure of worries and difficulties can lead to greater intimacy. Further difficulties are created for men by the cultural habit of mixing up sex and intimacy, where intimacy is seen and used in an instrumental way as something you do in order to obtain sex. Although sex is often an important part of a close intimate relationship and can increase feelings of intimacy, sex and intimacy are not one and the same. There can be intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy.

For men who have experienced sexual violence, confusion and uncertainty around intimacy is understandable, 당신은 성적 학대를 저지르는 사람들이 아이를 알아가는 상당한 시간과 노력을 투자하는 방법을 고려하는 경우, 성적 학대를 저지하기 위해 신뢰와 친밀감을 구축. 사람 커밋 성적 학대는 심지어 그들이 아이를 사랑한다고 자신을 말할 수 있으며이 상호 관계이다. 성적 학대는 신뢰의 그런 깊은 배신을 포함 할 경우, 이 불편 함을 연상하고 관리하기가 어려울 수 있습니다 미래의 관계에서 그 친밀감을 놀라운 일이 아니다. 성적 학대가 발생할 수 있습니다 아이의 경험:

  • 주저 누군가를 신뢰 또는 사람이 가까이 갈 수 있도록
  • 성적 활동에 대한 성적 관심이나 전구체의 표시로주의 또는주의의 발현을 지각.
  • 개인 정보 공유에 대한 경계심, due to the way it has been manipulated and used in the past
  • Uncomfortableness with gentle touch or touch without prior specific agreement.
  • Difficulties with any sexual intimacy, due to the fact it can trigger flashbacks.

These difficulties, although not insurmountable, can take some time and patience to sort out. What can make problems related to intimacy extra tricky to work out is that sometimes in order to gain assistance a man might feel pressured to speak about a history of sexual abuse (something he may not have previously told anyone about).

Becoming clear about and developing intimacy

In seeking to develop more intimate caring relationships, it can be useful to explicitly differentiate sexual intimacy from other forms of intimacy. 다음은 관계에서 친밀감을 향상시키기위한 기회의 번호를 식별:

  • 정서적 친밀 – you are able to share a wide range of both positive and negative feelings without fear of judgement or rejection
  • 물리적 친밀 – The delight in being sensual, 놀기 좋아하는, 즐거운이며, 두 파트너에 대한 이행 성적 친밀감에 민감한.
  • 지적 친밀 – Sharing ideas or talking about issues or even hotly debating opinions and still respect each other’s beliefs and views
  • Spiritual Intimacy – discussing how spirituality works in our lives, 같은 방법으로 우리는 서로의 특정 영적 필요와 신념을 존중
  • 충돌 친밀 – the ability to work through our differences in a fair way, 광범위하게 상호 만족스러운 해결책에 도달, 완벽한 솔루션은 인간의 삶의 일부가 아닌 것을 인식.
  • 작업 친밀 – You are able to agree on ways to share the common loads of tasks in maintaining your home, 소득, 및 기타 상호 합의 된 목표를 추구.
  • 육아 친밀 – If you have children, 당신은 성장하고 별도의 개인이 될 우리의 아이들을 가능하게하고있는 동안 서로에 지원되는 공유 방법을 개발했다.
  • 위기 친밀 – You are able to stand together in times of crisis, 외부와의 관계 및 서비스 지원 및 이해에 내부 모두.
  • 예술과 친밀 – Being delighted in beauty, 음악 예술, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences and each of us is prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.
  • Play Intimacy – Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humor.[1]

The intention of the above list is to help highlight the multiple possibilities and opportunities for intimacy in relationships.

In seeking to make intimacy more a part of your life and relationships, it is important to recognise that intimacy is relational. Intimacy is not something you can do on your own, the degrees of intimacy possible in a relationship is dependent on there being a shared commitment and interest. Negotiating and building intimacy in relationships is, therefore, reliant on a clear knowledge of your own and a partner’s preferences and a willingness to put time and energy into the relationship. You might consider:

  • What kind of relationship do you want?
  • What brings you closer to people, what pushes you away?
  • Are you aware of your friends or partner’s likes or dislikes, what builds connections in your relationship with them?
  • How close a relationship do you/they want?
  • What time and energy are you willing to put in to developing intimacy in this relationship?
  • How might you make them aware of your interest in building greater intimacy on a number of levels?

In posing these questions, it is recognized that there is no prescribed right way of ‘being intimate’ in a relationship. No two relationships are alike. Although what has gone before might provide a guide to a man’s preferences or areas he might want to work on, history does not dictate the future.

Becoming comfortable with intimacy is not easily worked out on your own. Relationships can provide opportunities for learning, healing and change for both parties. As the below partners of men who have experienced sexual abuse highlight:

He’s good at being independent and he knows how to take care of himself. Even though he’s not that good at intimacy, I am. So having learnt off each other I am more ndependent and he is more intimate.

I used to complain saying ‘you haven’t said you love me in ages,’ once I realised that this wasn’t getting what I wanted from him, I started telling him that I need to feel loved sometimes and I explained to him what makes me feel loved.

이전 바와 같이, building and maintaining intimacy in relationships is likely to be a life long project. It is not something you do just once. 또한, it is useful to recognise that what builds intimacy in relationships changes, as people’s preferences and choices change over time.

Practical tips for building and maintaining intimacy

Some practical tips to help men understand and enhance intimacy and love in a relationship are offered by in the book Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts[2]. This book encourages men to talk with their partners and to learn about and attend to both, their own and their partner’s preferred ways of developing closeness and expressing care. In doing so it demystifies love and intimacy, presenting information in a practical useful way.

If you were asked, could you identify your preferred ‘love language’ and that of your partner from the following list?

  • Words of AffirmationCompliments, words of appreciation, positive feedback about specific things your partner has done.
  • Quality TimeTogethernessgiving undivided attention, more than just physical proximity. Quality conversationtalking about your day, keeping each other up-to-date, expressing your feelings, being available to listen with care.
  • Receiving GiftsPutting time and thought into creating/buying gifts. The gift of your ‘self’ – simply being there at crucial times
  • Acts of ServiceDoing practical tasks for your partner eg. Household chores. Particularly doing these without being asked
  • Physical Touch – 아기와 어린이를위한 건강한 정서 발달에 중요한 사랑의 손길. 애정은 또한 성인을위한 중요, 성적 접촉 이외에

Possession of knowledge of your own and your partner’s preferred ways of relating is important. Just as important is letting people know and acting on these preferences in ways and at times when it will build intimacy.

네, 아니, Maybe So: A sexual inventory stocklist

A great tool for developing safe intimacy in a sexual relationship can be found at this sex ed website.

The above information is not intended as a comprehensive guide to men and intimacy following an experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault, more an invitation to explore possibilities for developing intimacy in caring supportive relationships. An experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault might mean that extra patience is required in some areas or there is a need to speak to someone in order to gain extra assistance, it does not however define the possibilities for intimacy in relationships.

참조
  1. Augsburger, D. (1988) Sustaining Love, Regal Publishing.
  2. Chapman, G. (2004) Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield Press.

 

8 comments

  1. Comment by sean

    sean 대답 June 20, 2014 3:04 오후

    나는 그것이 우리의 관계에서 친밀한된다는 것이 무엇을 의미하는지 배우려고 노력하고 이것은 매우 도움이되었다. 감사 힙

  2. D.D에 의해 코멘트.

    D.D. 대답 June 20, 2014 4:21 오후

    매우 도움과 재미와 친밀한 관계를 개발하는 방법에 대한 정보를 주셔서 감사합니다 나에게 몇 가지 다른 지원을 제공하고 다시 저를 도와 주셔서 감사합니다.
    D.D.
    9월 10,2013

  3. 팀에 의해 코멘트

    대답 10월 15, 2015 4:43 오후

    좋은 정보, 가이드로 특히 책. 나는 항상 제공 또는 실제로 내가 일 한 여성을 돌보는 방법을 알 수없는 느낌이. 나의 주된 목표는 섹스를했다, 섹스 후 나는 빈 느낌. Growing up my mother wasn’t there very much emotionally and my step dad was an alcoholic. I want closeness with women but never knew how. 감사.

  4. Comment by Ingred

    Ingred 대답 June 9, 2016 8:46 오후

    Sex is important in a relationship. I met a wonderful man about a year ago who takes care of my every need except sex. We do everything together, like cooking, watching movies, going for walks. we both love nature and we even sleep togetherbut no sex. I find it weird.

    • Comment by kelsey

      kelsey 대답 할 수 있다 10, 2017 6:17 오전

      How do you deal with that? I am dealing with the exact same thing. Except, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t french kiss me, he doesn’t want to do anything sexual. Does this bug you? Have you found ways to help ease him into it?

    • Comment by kelsey

      kelsey 대답 할 수 있다 10, 2017 6:19 오전

      또한, we were having sex, but then it stopped when he becameattachedto me, because the person who raped him was a girlfriend he was attached to (that is what he said). This all started happening after his sister got raped this last thanksgiving. I am just hoping that he is just working through it and that this was a trigger for him. I really hope that this means that he will never want to do anything sexual again because we areattached”.

  5. Comment by Carla

    Carla 대답 11월 19, 2017 6:00 오후

    I’ve been dating a guy for 6 1/2 년. When we first met things were great. It took him a long time to say I love you, we dated 6 months before he said it, then soon after he started pulling away. On the ninth month he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me. We broke up. A gut feeling told me something had happened so I sent him a long email asking him was there something deeply deeply rooted in his past? and if so would he consider going to counselling? he said yes.

    후 8 months he came back, in July 2013, telling me he knew he wanted a relationship with me. He said he never wanted to lose me, but we would have to take baby steps.

    We live two and a half hours apart so even before we only saw each other every other weekend. This time around we started out just once a month for the first few months, and then we built back into every other weekend. It took him until January 2015 to tell me he loved me againthen slowly I felt him pulling away again. Now here we are, 11월 2017. He broke up with me again at the end of October, saying he loved me but he didn’t feel like he was in love with me anymore.

    I’ve sent him articles on how when men who have been sexually abused tend to pull away from someone when they getting really close. He says he was upset with himself because he doesn’t know why he feels the way he does. That he knows he will regret losing me.

    He was sexually abused by his uncle and physically abused by his dad. His mom left when he was about 9 and he didn’t see her anymore until he went to see her when he was 16. He has been married twice, that’s why I cheated on him. He had never shared this with anyone until he shared it with me and the counsellor he spoke to in 2012.

    So all these things tell me that he does love me and he’s very close with me but I don’t know what else to do. He has started counselling again 2 weeks ago, I just pray he gets to the right kind of counsellor this time. The counsellor in 2012 never suggested couples counselling. I told him in order to go forward at some point I thought we needed to go to counselling together. I encouraged him to continue going to counselling when we got back together in 2013, but of course he didn’t listen. Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciate it. Thank you

    • 제스에 의해 코멘트 [생활 잘 직원]

      발목 끈 [생활 잘 직원] 대답 January 3, 2018 4:00 오후

      Hi Carla,

      Thanks for sharing your experience here. That takes some bravery.

      I think in this situation you have done really well to encourage your partner to obtain support, and to also suggest couples counselling. It sounds like you have been there for him and have made it clear you’re willing to support him and work through the difficulties. You’ve mentioned youdon’t know what else to do,” however it sounds like what you have done already are the best things you can do. Moving forward, the rest is really up to him. It is not your responsibility to fix him. There comes a stage where all you can really do is step back and hope he becomes ready to take a few steps forward himself. I know this can be hard to do and takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately a history of childhood trauma does take time to process and move through, and often giving it time is the only thing we can do.

      Please know that you are not alone in your struggles with this situation. We know that it can be very difficult for partners of men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Knowing how to respond, and how to best provide support and care, without pressure or judgment, can be a delicate balance.

      With this in mind we’ve created a For Partners section on this website. I think for you the articles on common relationship challengesfrequently asked questions from partners of men. I hope you find it helpful.

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