I thought I was doing okay. We were talking. She knows I love her, because I tell her. 이제 그녀는 그녀가 더 친밀감을 원한다 말한다.
친밀감은 시간이 좀 걸릴과 관계 설정 작업 할 수 있습니다 다른 사람과 공유 친밀감 또는 공생의 감각. 아동 성적 학대 나 성폭력을 경험 한 남성, 많은 남자처럼, 친밀감과 함께 편안한되는 것은 도전이 될 수 있습니다. 다음은 친밀감에 대한 몇 가지 정보입니다, 어려움의 일부에 직면 할 수 있습니다 성적 피해를 경험 한 남자의 세부 사항, 또한 관계에서 친밀감을 개발하는 방법에 대한 제안과 함께.
친밀감은 일반적으로 시간이 지남에 개발 이명 사이에 밀접한 개인 연결입니다. 일반적으로, 아이들은 배우고 부모와 가까운 가족 구성원들과의 상호 작용을 통해 친밀한 관계를 발전. As we grow older opportunities arise to develop more intimate relationships outside of the home, getting to know people, establishing commitment and trust, building connections through work, 놀이, sexual contact, 육아, 등. The journey towards creating intimate relationships is therefore potentially never ending and everyone’s experience in growing up and learning about intimacy is going to be different:
남성, sexual abuse and intimacy
Cultural beliefs about men, about what a man should stereotypically do and be, influence how men understand and relate to intimacy. When the traditional man’s role of breadwinner, going out to work in order to provide food and shelter, was dominant, there was little expectation that men should learn about or put energy into developing more intimate relationships. 지금, 그러나, 파트너, 남성과 그들의 아이들은 친밀감의 큰 학위를 찾고 있습니다.
당신이 친밀감에 대해 알고?
당신이 성장하는 동안 당신은 친밀감에 받았 는가 무엇 훈련?
당신이나 당신의 파트너가 당신의 삶에 친밀감을 초대 찾고 있습니다?
사람들이 관계에서 친밀감의 개발에 관련하여 직면 할 어려움이 예상이 있다는 것을, 남자로, they should stand on their own two feet and be firmly self-reliant. This expectation can make men reluctant to acknowledge personal struggles or vulnerabilities, yet the disclosure of worries and difficulties can lead to greater intimacy. Further difficulties are created for men by the cultural habit of mixing up sex and intimacy, where intimacy is seen and used in an instrumental way as something you do in order to obtain sex. Although sex is often an important part of a close intimate relationship and can increase feelings of intimacy, sex and intimacy are not one and the same. There can be intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy.
For men who have experienced sexual violence, confusion and uncertainty around intimacy is understandable, 당신은 성적 학대를 저지르는 사람들이 아이를 알아가는 상당한 시간과 노력을 투자하는 방법을 고려하는 경우, 성적 학대를 저지하기 위해 신뢰와 친밀감을 구축. 사람 커밋 성적 학대는 심지어 그들이 아이를 사랑한다고 자신을 말할 수 있으며이 상호 관계이다. 성적 학대는 신뢰의 그런 깊은 배신을 포함 할 경우, 이 불편 함을 연상하고 관리하기가 어려울 수 있습니다 미래의 관계에서 그 친밀감을 놀라운 일이 아니다. 성적 학대가 발생할 수 있습니다 아이의 경험:
- 주저 누군가를 신뢰 또는 사람이 가까이 갈 수 있도록
- 성적 활동에 대한 성적 관심이나 전구체의 표시로주의 또는주의의 발현을 지각.
- 개인 정보 공유에 대한 경계심, due to the way it has been manipulated and used in the past
- Uncomfortableness with gentle touch or touch without prior specific agreement.
- Difficulties with any sexual intimacy, due to the fact it can trigger flashbacks.
These difficulties, although not insurmountable, can take some time and patience to sort out. What can make problems related to intimacy extra tricky to work out is that sometimes in order to gain assistance a man might feel pressured to speak about a history of sexual abuse (something he may not have previously told anyone about).
Becoming clear about and developing intimacy
In seeking to develop more intimate caring relationships, it can be useful to explicitly differentiate sexual intimacy from other forms of intimacy. 다음은 관계에서 친밀감을 향상시키기위한 기회의 번호를 식별:
- 정서적 친밀 – you are able to share a wide range of both positive and negative feelings without fear of judgement or rejection
- 물리적 친밀 – The delight in being sensual, 놀기 좋아하는, 즐거운이며, 두 파트너에 대한 이행 성적 친밀감에 민감한.
- 지적 친밀 – Sharing ideas or talking about issues or even hotly debating opinions and still respect each other’s beliefs and views
- Spiritual Intimacy – discussing how spirituality works in our lives, 같은 방법으로 우리는 서로의 특정 영적 필요와 신념을 존중
- 충돌 친밀 – the ability to work through our differences in a fair way, 광범위하게 상호 만족스러운 해결책에 도달, 완벽한 솔루션은 인간의 삶의 일부가 아닌 것을 인식.
- 작업 친밀 – You are able to agree on ways to share the common loads of tasks in maintaining your home, 소득, 및 기타 상호 합의 된 목표를 추구.
- 육아 친밀 – If you have children, 당신은 성장하고 별도의 개인이 될 우리의 아이들을 가능하게하고있는 동안 서로에 지원되는 공유 방법을 개발했다.
- 위기 친밀 – You are able to stand together in times of crisis, 외부와의 관계 및 서비스 지원 및 이해에 내부 모두.
- 예술과 친밀 – Being delighted in beauty, 음악 예술, nature and a whole range of aesthetic experiences and each of us is prepared to support the other’s enjoyment of different aesthetic pleasures.
- Play Intimacy – Having fun together, through recreation, relaxation or humor.
The intention of the above list is to help highlight the multiple possibilities and opportunities for intimacy in relationships.
In seeking to make intimacy more a part of your life and relationships, it is important to recognise that intimacy is relational. Intimacy is not something you can do on your own, the degrees of intimacy possible in a relationship is dependent on there being a shared commitment and interest. Negotiating and building intimacy in relationships is, therefore, reliant on a clear knowledge of your own and a partner’s preferences and a willingness to put time and energy into the relationship. You might consider:
- What kind of relationship do you want?
- What brings you closer to people, what pushes you away?
- Are you aware of your friends or partner’s likes or dislikes, what builds connections in your relationship with them?
- How close a relationship do you/they want?
- What time and energy are you willing to put in to developing intimacy in this relationship?
- How might you make them aware of your interest in building greater intimacy on a number of levels?
In posing these questions, it is recognized that there is no prescribed right way of ‘being intimate’ in a relationship. No two relationships are alike. Although what has gone before might provide a guide to a man’s preferences or areas he might want to work on, history does not dictate the future.
Becoming comfortable with intimacy is not easily worked out on your own. Relationships can provide opportunities for learning, healing and change for both parties. As the below partners of men who have experienced sexual abuse highlight:
He’s good at being independent and he knows how to take care of himself. Even though he’s not that good at intimacy, I am. So having learnt off each other I am more ndependent and he is more intimate.
I used to complain saying ‘you haven’t said you love me in ages,’ once I realised that this wasn’t getting what I wanted from him, I started telling him that I need to feel loved sometimes and I explained to him what makes me feel loved.
이전 바와 같이, building and maintaining intimacy in relationships is likely to be a life long project. It is not something you do just once. 또한, it is useful to recognise that what builds intimacy in relationships changes, as people’s preferences and choices change over time.
Practical tips for building and maintaining intimacy
Some practical tips to help men understand and enhance intimacy and love in a relationship are offered by in the book Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts. This book encourages men to talk with their partners and to learn about and attend to both, their own and their partner’s preferred ways of developing closeness and expressing care. In doing so it demystifies love and intimacy, presenting information in a practical useful way.
If you were asked, could you identify your preferred ‘love language’ and that of your partner from the following list?
- Words of Affirmation – Compliments, words of appreciation, positive feedback about specific things your partner has done.
- Quality Time – Togetherness – giving undivided attention, more than just physical proximity. Quality conversation – talking about your day, keeping each other up-to-date, expressing your feelings, being available to listen with care.
- Receiving Gifts – Putting time and thought into creating/buying gifts. The gift of your ‘self’ – simply being there at crucial times
- Acts of Service – Doing practical tasks for your partner eg. Household chores. Particularly doing these without being asked
- Physical Touch – 아기와 어린이를위한 건강한 정서 발달에 중요한 사랑의 손길. 애정은 또한 성인을위한 중요, 성적 접촉 이외에
Possession of knowledge of your own and your partner’s preferred ways of relating is important. Just as important is letting people know and acting on these preferences in ways and at times when it will build intimacy.
네, 아니, Maybe So: A sexual inventory stocklist
A great tool for developing safe intimacy in a sexual relationship can be found at this sex ed website.
The above information is not intended as a comprehensive guide to men and intimacy following an experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault, more an invitation to explore possibilities for developing intimacy in caring supportive relationships. An experience of sexual abuse or sexual assault might mean that extra patience is required in some areas or there is a need to speak to someone in order to gain extra assistance, it does not however define the possibilities for intimacy in relationships.
- Augsburger, D. (1988) Sustaining Love, Regal Publishing.
- Chapman, G. (2004) Five Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield Press.