If you are reading this information sheet it is likely that are interested in learning more about how you can help a man you know who has experienced child sexual abuse. Or alternatively, a man you know might have given this sheet to you because he believes that you are someone who can offer him support. Telling someone that you have experienced child sexual abuse or sexual assault is not easy. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs and how it is responded to can significantly influence a man’s future well being. 불행하게도, research indicates that over 70% of men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse haven’t told anyone. Listed below is information on what can influence men’s disclosure of sexual abuse or sexual assault, along with some suggestions as to how you might be able to help him whilst continuing to take care of yourself.
Barriers to disclosure
Boys and men, like girls and women, commonly do not speak of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault. However men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is even further impacted by issues related to stereotypes about masculinity, homophobia and confusion regarding sexuality, concerns that a man will become a perpetrator of abuse, and a lack of visible support for men. Please take the time to check out the detailed list of barriers that men face on our page 남자와 공개: Deciding to tell.
Things that may encourage disclosure
Just as men and boys can be discouraged from speaking of abuse, so certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. Disclosure of sexual abuse can be prompted by:
- Seeing a film about abuse or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse (예를 들면, a Kids Helpline advertisement, films like ‘Mysterious Skin’).
- Disclosure of a friend, 파트너, family or men’s group member.
- 성적 학대를 저지른 사람을보고, 학대가 발생한 장소를 듣게 또는 방문.
- 부모되기, 또는 학대가 자행 될 때 사람이었다 나이를 켤 수있는 아이에 가까운 것으로.
- 관계가 분해 할 때 파트너가 주장 할 때 또는 관계는 당신이 상담을 볼 수 있어야 생존을위한.
- 학대 나 폭행에 공개 문의가있는 경우 (e.g. 로얄위원회, 포르 문의).
- 경찰은 검찰에 대한 증거를 찾는 문의하십시오.
- 플래시백을 통해 공격을 산다고, 악몽, 등.
- 건강 문제 또는 신체 검사까지 (e.g. 전립선 검사의 제안).
- 파트너 지원과 이해를 제공하는 경우.
- 사람이 느끼는 때 그는 그것을 처리 또는 죽어야!
당신이 도울 수있는 방법
You do not have to be an expert or know all the right things to say to be able to help a man who has experienced sexual violence. The fact that the man has raised the issue with you indicates that he believes you are someone who can help.
As a supportive person you can play a significant role in helping a man who has experienced sexual violence. There is no set way to support someone. Each person will react differently to what happened and will seek different kinds of help at different times.
It is not only emotional support that a man may require. Some simple practical ideas which may be useful to offer include company, transport to appointments, child care, grocery shopping or cooking a meal. It is important that you talk with the man and check in with him about what he would like. By being available, patient and understanding, you can assist a man to reduce the impact of sexual violence on his life.
Listen carefully to what he is saying. Let him speak at his pace, and reveal as much information as he is comfortable with. Try not to interrupt him or ask lots of questions. Being asked a lot of questions can feel like being interrogated. Don’t worry if he stops talking for a while – silences are okay. You don’t have to rush in to fill the gaps. You do not need to know all the details, try not to ask for more information about the actual events than is volunteered.
It is important that you let him know that you believe him. People rarely make up stories about sexual abuse. It’s also important to think about what you say. You will have been influenced, as we all have, by the many unhelpful myths in our society about sexual abuse, therefore it might not be helpful to immediately say what instantly comes into your head. Try to avoid reinforcing any unhelpful myths. (See the page on Unhelpful beliefs).
Try to contain your own feelings. Don’t allow feelings of shock horror, anger, outrage or disgust to stop you from offering support. A man could misinterpret expression of these feelings as a rejection of him or support for a belief that sexual abuse is a shameful/awful/disgusting topic that he should not be mentioning.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, say so and take time to breathe and collect your thoughts. 당신이 그에 대해 무엇을 이야기하는 것은 상처와 고통을 이해하는 것이 말해, 하지만 당신은 그와 함께 시간을 보낼 의향이 있다고. 주의 그 학대를 저지른 사람은 가족이나 가까운 사람의 경우, 남자는 그들을 향해 충돌하는 느낌을 가질 수 있으며, 당신이 그들에 대해 욕하고 말을 경우에 유용하지 않을 수 있습니다. 그가 완료 한 것에 감정의 당신의 표현과 관련된 것을 설명하는 것이 유용 할 수 있으며, 그와 함께 화가 아님.
안심, 일관성과 신뢰성
당신은 그가 당신과 함께 말씀 기쁘다 사람에게. 그는 무슨 일이 있었는지의 부분에 대한 책임이 느낌을 설명하는 경우, 그는이를 생각할 수있는 방법을 이해하는 듣고 시도하는 시간을. Recognise that this is something he might talk through with a counsellor in the future, don’t discount what he tells you. Tell him that you appreciate that speaking about his feelings and concerns is difficult, however that you are pleased that he trusts you enough to talk with you.
Just being there providing consistent support is important, given that there can be ups and downs, good periods and difficult periods, even in a single day. If things aren’t improving right away, don’t assume that he is becoming mentally ill. 기억, sometimes things appear to get worse before they get better. Being consistent and dependable can have a positive impact in and of itself.
Offer confidentiality with limits
It is important that information which is disclosed to you is treated with respect and held in confidence. Make sure that you consult with him about what his expectations are before sharing what he has told you with anyone else. He probably will not want you to say anything to anyone else without his express permission.
In talking through his expectations regarding confidentiality, it is important to consider if anyone is in any present danger and to discuss how you might need to talk in confidence with a counsellor or a trusted friend for your own well being. If you have a concern that a child or adolescent is currently in an abusive or potentially abusive situation then the young person’s wellbeing must be a primary concern. 당신은 아동 보호에 대해 알고있는 사람과 더 얘기를 고려할 필요가 있습니다. 당신이 지킬 수없는 약속을하지 않도록 노력.
자신에 대한 지원을 얻기
아동 성적 학대 나 성폭력을 경험 한 지원 사람은 당신에 따라 추가 요구를 배치합니다. 그것은 당신이 자신을 돌보는 것이 중요하다. 당신의 배터리를 충전 활동을 제외하고 휴식을 보장하기 위해 시간을 넣어. 사람이 지원을 제공로서 당신은 또한 당신의 감정을 처리하는 데 도움이 당신의 선택을 탐험 할 수있는 상담과 대화 혜택을 누릴 수 있습니다. 강하고 더 나은 당신이 누군가에게 도움을 제공 할 수있을 것입니다 더 많은 수 있습니다 지원 기억.
친밀한 파트너를위한 정보
당신은 성폭력에 노출 된 남자의 친밀한 파트너 인 경우, be aware that actions in the present can bring back uncomfortable memories and trigger strong emotions. Sometimes he will not want to be sexual, or even close and physically affectionate. At other times becoming physically close and sexually intimate may be welcomed. If you are unsure about what he wants, ask before acting, and recognise that what he wants may change quite quickly. 또한, it is important to ensure that your choices are also respected, and to remember that there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. The reality is that relationships work best where both parties feel supported, able to discuss options and have their preferred ways of doing things respected.
Check our our page When your partner discloses sexual abuse for more information on this topic.