Uscita

Sostenere la divulgazione degli uominiSe stai leggendo questo foglio informativo, è probabile che sono interessati a saperne di più su come si può aiutare un uomo a sapere chi ha subito abusi sessuali su minori. Oppure, in alternativa, un uomo che si sa potrebbe aver dato questo foglio a voi perché crede che siete qualcuno che lo può offrire un supporto. Dire a qualcuno che avete subito abusi sessuali su minori o violenza sessuale non è facile. Come divulgazione di abusi sessuali su minori o di violenza sessuale si verifica e come viene risposto può influenzare in modo significativo il futuro di un uomo benessere. Sfortunatamente, ricerca indica che oltre 70% di uomini che hanno subito abusi sessuali nell'infanzia non hanno detto a nessuno. Qui di seguito sono le informazioni su ciò che può influenzare la divulgazione di abuso sessuale o di violenza sessuale maschile, insieme ad alcuni suggerimenti su come si potrebbe essere in grado di aiutarlo pur continuando a prendersi cura di sé.

Barriere alla comunicazione

Ragazzi e uomini, come le ragazze e le donne, comunemente non parlare di abusi sessuali nell'infanzia o violenza sessuale. Tuttavia la capacità degli uomini a parlare di violenza sessuale è ulteriormente influenzato da problematiche legate a stereotipi sulla mascolinità, l'omofobia e la confusione per quanto riguarda la sessualità, preoccupazioni che un uomo diventerà un perpetratore di abusi, e la mancanza di sostegno visibile per gli uomini. Si prega di prendere il tempo di controllare l'elenco dettagliato degli ostacoli che gli uomini affrontano sulla nostra pagina Uomini e divulgazione: Decidere di raccontare.

Cose che possono incoraggiare la divulgazione

Proprio come gli uomini ei ragazzi possono essere scoraggiati dal parlare di abuso, così certi eventi può portare gli uomini a parlare delle loro esperienze. Divulgazione di abuso sessuale può essere richiesto da:

  • Vedere un film su abusi o sentire una discussione pubblica su abusi sessuali (per esempio, un bambini Helpline pubblicità, film come 'Mysterious Skin').
  • Divulgazione di un amico, Partner, famiglia o membro del gruppo degli uomini.
  • Vedendo la persona che ha perpetrato l'abuso sessuale, sentir parlare o visitando il luogo dove si è verificato l'abuso.
  • Diventare genitore, o di essere vicino a un bambino che gira l'età l'uomo era quando l'abuso è stato perpetrato.
  • Quando un rapporto si rompe o quando un partner che insiste per un rapporto per sopravvivere si deve vedere un consigliere.
  • Quando ci sono inchieste pubbliche in abuso o aggressione (e.g. La Commissione Reale, Forde Richiesta).
  • Se la polizia contattare l'utente in cerca di ulteriori prove per un procedimento.
  • Rivivere l'assalto attraverso flashback, incubi, ecc.
  • Problemi di salute o un controllo fisico su (e.g. suggerimento di un esame alla prostata).
  • Quando un partner offre supporto e comprensione.
  • Quando un uomo sente di dover trattare con esso o morire!

Come si può aiutare

Non devi essere un esperto o di conoscere tutte le cose giuste da dire per essere in grado di aiutare un uomo che ha subito violenza sessuale. Il fatto che l'uomo ha sollevato la questione con voi indica che egli ritiene si è qualcuno che può aiutare.

Come una persona di supporto si può giocare un ruolo significativo nell'aiutare un uomo che ha subito violenza sessuale. Non c'è modo impostato per sostenere qualcuno. Ogni persona reagisce in modo diverso a quello che è successo e cercherà diversi tipi di aiuto in tempi diversi.

Aiuto pratico

Non è solo il supporto emotivo che un uomo può richiedere. Alcune semplici idee pratiche che possono essere utili per offrire includono azienda, trasporto al appuntamenti, cura dei bambini, fare la spesa o cucinare un pasto. E 'importante che parli con l'uomo ed il check-in con lui di ciò che vorrebbe. Essendo disponibile, paziente e la comprensione, si può aiutare un uomo a ridurre l'impatto della violenza sessuale sulla sua vita.

Ascolta

Photo of people talking Ascoltate attentamente ciò che dice. Lasciarlo parlare al suo passo, e rivelare tante informazioni come lui sta bene con. Cercate di non interromperlo o di chiedere un sacco di domande. Viene chiesto un sacco di domande può sentire come essere interrogato. Non preoccupatevi se si ferma a parlare per un po ' – silenzi sono ok. Non dovete correre per colmare le lacune. Non hai bisogno di conoscere tutti i dettagli, cercare di non chiedere ulteriori informazioni su eventi reali che viene offerto volontario.

Credergli

E 'importante che si sappia che tu gli credi. Le persone raramente fanno storie su abusi sessuali. E 'anche importante pensare a quello che dici. Sarà stato influenzato, come tutti noi abbiamo, dai molti miti inutili nella nostra società circa l'abuso sessuale, quindi non potrebbe essere utile per dire subito cosa istantaneamente viene in testa. Cercate di evitare di rafforzare i miti inutili. (Vedere la pagina su Credenze inutili).

Stay calm

Cercare di contenere i propri sentimenti. Non permettere che i sentimenti di shock orrore, rabbia, indignazione o disgusto che impedisca di offrire sostegno. Un uomo poteva fraintendere l'espressione di questi sentimenti come il rifiuto di lui o di sostegno per la convinzione che l'abuso sessuale è un argomento vergognoso / pessimo / disgustoso che non dovrebbe essere menzionare.

Se vi sentite sopraffatti, dire così e prendere tempo per respirare e raccogliere i vostri pensieri. Digli che si capisce che cosa sta parlando è doloroso e doloroso, ma che si è disposti a spendere del tempo con lui. Essere consapevoli del fatto che se la persona che ha commesso l'abuso è un membro della famiglia o una persona cara, l'uomo può avere sentimenti contrastanti nei loro confronti e non può essere utile se si dice schiacciante cose su di loro. Può essere utile per spiegare che le vostre espressioni di emozioni si riferiscono a ciò che ha vissuto e che non si è arrabbiato con lui.

Rassicurazione, coerenza e affidabilità

Dillo l'uomo che sei contento di aver parlato con te. Se lui dice di sentirsi responsabile di una parte di quello che è successo, prendere tempo per ascoltare e cercare di capire come potesse pensare questo. Riconoscere che questo è qualcosa che potrebbe parlare attraverso con un consulente in futuro, non sconto quello che vi dirà. Digli che apprezzate che parlare dei suoi sentimenti e le preoccupazioni è difficile, tuttavia che siete soddisfatti che si fida abbastanza per parlare con voi.

Basta essere lì fornendo supporto costante è importante, dato che ci possono essere alti e bassi, buoni periodi e periodi difficili, anche in un solo giorno. Se le cose non stanno migliorando subito, Non dare per scontato che lui sta diventando malato di mente. Ricordare, a volte le cose sembrano peggiorare prima di migliorare. Essere coerente e affidabile in grado di avere un impatto positivo in sé e per sé.

Offerta di riservatezza con i limiti

E 'importante che le informazioni che vengono divulgate a voi sia trattato con rispetto e tenuto in fiducia. Assicurarsi che si consulta con lui su ciò che le sue aspettative sono prima di condividere ciò che si è detto con chiunque altro. Probabilmente non vuole che tu dica niente a nessuno senza il suo permesso esplicito.

Nel parlare attraverso le sue aspettative in materia di riservatezza, è importante prendere in considerazione se uno è in nessun pericolo attuale e per discutere di come si potrebbe aver bisogno di parlare in confidenza con un consulente o un amico fidato per il proprio benessere. Se si dispone di una preoccupazione che un bambino o un adolescente è attualmente in una situazione di abuso o potenzialmente abusiva quindi il benessere del giovane deve essere una preoccupazione primaria. Potrebbe essere necessario considerare di parlare ulteriormente con qualcuno che conosce la tutela dei minori. Cercate di non fare promesse che non puoi mantenere.

Ottenere il supporto per te stesso

Sostenere una persona che ha subito abusi sessuali su minori o violenza sessuale metterà richieste extra su di voi. E 'quindi importante che si prende cura di te. Mettere da parte il tempo per rilassarsi e assicurarsi di impegnarsi in attività che ricaricare le batterie. Come qualcuno offerta di supporto si può anche beneficiare di parlare con un consulente che può aiutare a sentimenti di processo e di esplorare le vostre scelte. Ricordate il più forte e meglio supportati tu sei il più capace che sarà quello di fornire assistenza a qualcuno.

Informazioni per i partner intimi

Se sei un partner intimo di un uomo che è stato sottoposto a violenza sessuale, essere consapevoli che azioni nel presente possono riportare i ricordi scomodi e scatenare forti emozioni. Sometimes he will not want to be sexual, or even close and physically affectionate. At other times becoming physically close and sexually intimate may be welcomed. Se non siete sicuri di quello che vuole, chiedere prima di agire, e riconoscere che ciò che vuole può cambiare abbastanza rapidamente. Anche, it is important to ensure that your choices are also respected, and to remember that there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. La realtà è che i rapporti di lavoro migliori in cui entrambe le parti si sentono supportati, in grado di discutere le opzioni e hanno i loro modi preferiti di fare le cose rispettato.

Check our our page When your partner discloses sexual abuse for more information on this topic.

 

19 commenti

  1. Comment by Snave

    Snave rispondere Aprile 10, 2016 a 1:50 pm

    Please help. My husband early on in our marriage about a year and a half ago told me he was sexually abused by his priest when he was younger.

    This is our second marriage. Both of us have been married before and we are always having conflict. He becomes violent whenever I try to get emotionally connected with him. He always says he wants divorce. He behaves in strange ways, like kissing me on the cheek instead of the lips because he confuses me with his ex wife who was sick and he didn’t want to kiss me on the lips and get sick thinking I was sick. He acts psychopathic and seems to protect his ex wife more than our relationship.

    The latest tragedy was he got upset with me for texting him and his ex wife, telling both of them to stop communicating so much, as they had made plans for their boys to go with her Easter morning, when I had been trying to make plans for all of us (our family of 7, my husband and I and our 5 bambini) to go to church Easter morning and he kept ignoring me.

    I don’t understand his strange behavior and he becomes abusive with me. He got so angry with me the night before Easter that he struck me and caused a laceration on my face. I called the police and now for the umpteenth time he wants divorce. He cannot have a disagreement with me without saying he hates me, wants me out of the house, or wants a divorce.

    I don’t know how to help or what to do. I feel as if I need to divorce him, but it is hard as I think his problem is his being sexually abused by his priest. He refuses to get help. I don’t know what else I can possibly do other than to divorce him at this point.

    Please help. I love him and feel sorry for him. Io non so che cosa fare. I beg for divine intervention. A miracle. Something!!!! Per favore…….

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Aprile 15, 2016 a 10:29 su

      Hi Snave,

      Thanks for reaching out for some support, and for sharing your story. I know that its’t easy and I really want to commend you for that.

      Sembra una situazione davvero difficile. I am hearing that you are concerned about your husband’s past experience of sexual abuse, his current behaviour and how this affecting your relationship in an ongoing way.

      You said that this is a second marriage for both of you and that you have a blended family. It will be useful for you to make sure you are both supported in thinking through what your options and priorities are, and deciding where to from here. E 'utile se si è chiari su che tipo di rapporto che si desidera, quali aspettative ci sono in relazione a come partner si comportano in questo rapporto, e come si mostra l'amore, cura e rispetto per l'altro. Ciò significa lavorare fuori e di essere chiari su ciò che è e non è un comportamento accettabile. Providing a clear message about what your expectations and limits are is important for both of you.

      Tutti i rapporti possono affrontare le difficoltà che possono richiedere un certo lavoro fuori, se una persona è stata abusata sessualmente o non. Ciò che è importante è che ogni partner si assume la responsabilità per se stessi e non vi è una visione condivisa e impegno per rendere questo un sostegno, cura, rapporto rispettoso che funziona per entrambi.

      Snave I’m hearing that you have so much care and concern for your husband, however I need to be clear that his violent behaviour is not okay. Quello che hai descritto sopra è la violenza domestica, o la violenza domestica. A history of sexual abuse does not ’causeviolent behaviourthat is his choice.

      You mentioned that you texted both your husband and his ex-wife to tell them not to communicate with each other so much. I’m guessing this was a ‘last resorttactic to get his attention, as you said he had been ignoring your attempts to communicate with him about this. I’m wondering if you have tried to talk to him calmly and openly about your feelings around thisoften when we become vulnerable about how someone’s actions make us feel deep down this can get more results than making demands about specific behaviours we want to stop.

      I would like to invite you to check out our page Informazioni per i partner: Relazioni sfide which has some strategies that might be helpful (in the comments section as well as the main content).

      It looks like you are in the USA so we can’t provide you with counselling directly, however I wonder if the two of you would be open to getting some support, assistance and advice together with a professional counsellor? It can be very helpful to talk these thoughts and feelings through with someone who can help.

      Infine, please prioritise your own self care through this. I know you want to support him, and I’m thinking that right an important way to do that is to ensure you have the resilience and strength to do so. That means doing things that improve your own well-being.

      Our partners in the USA have some more info relevant to you both on http://www.1in6.org.

      Buona fortuna, Snave.

  2. Comment by Donna

    Donna rispondere Aprile 20, 2016 a 9:34 pm

    Dear Gary,
    I married Tim 4 anni fa, this is our second marriage for the both of us. Tim and I went to school 30 years ago togeather. Tim was sexually abused by a babysitter when he was 6.

    I found out about the porn before we were married. He told me he’s no longer looking but every time I leave he’s on the internet telling me he’s only checking emails. I found out on the computer he had a dating site that he said he forgot was still there.

    I don’t get it, he tells me he loves me, there’s only me, that he cares for no one else. Our intimacy is great, he is always holding my hand or hugging me, always holding my hand in public or telling me I’m so beautiful. He told me he is not looking.

    I asked him to cut off the internet for a while he said no that no one is going to tell him what to do. I told him I wasn’t, but to help us get through this. He said, let it go Donna it’s been 5 anni. I told him it wasn’t that easy.

    We are going to counselling now, he said I will do what ever it takes. Am I overreacting to this? Have I become obsessed with this? I have a Aeortic Anysurim and they think it has grown. I’m scared for me and I’m scared Tim is not being truthful.
    Thank you for responding,
    Donna

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Maggio 5, 2016 a 1:11 pm

      Hi Donna,

      My name is Jess and I’m a counsellor for Living Well. First I want to thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for some support. I know how difficult that can be; it takes a lot of strength and courage.

      I got the clear message from your story that you and Tim care about each other so much, that this is demonstrated in many ways from each of you. I think that care and love is what is prompting this concern on your part, so no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction or an obsession. I think you simply want what’s best for Tim, for yourself and for your relationship. You want it to be healthy, aprire, honest and supportive.

      It seems that Tim does also, as he has been quite open with you about his experiences (che, involving sexual abuse, is never easy for a man, with the additional barriers and stereotypes they often face). I’m hearing though that he may be facing a continuing struggle with porn and internet chat sites. I first want to let you know that this is not unusual for men who have experienced sexual abuse. Experiencing unwanted sexual contact as a young person can have lasting impacts on a person’s experience of and feelings about sex and sexual intimacy. Porn and the internet can seem to be a “sicuro” way to try to get through the extra layers of confusion and pain.

      I’m so pleased to hear you are attending counselling together. I think this can be a space for you to be clear about your hopes, needs and expectations for this relationship, and to be clear with him that while you want to be closer to him, his use of porn is something that is ultimately pushing you apart. It can be helpful to talk about sensitive topics like this in terms of your own feelings, and how his behaviour is impacting you, rather than allowing frustration to take over and making demands (even if they are well-meant), che, as I’ve gathered from your comment, has resulted in defensiveness from him in the past. Allow him to acknowledge that the choices he is making are hurting you, and that it is this hurt that is prompting the fear and the suspicion. Hopefully he will then be able to see clearly that you are nottelling him what to do” – you simply don’t want to lose him, and that he can make different choices about his behaviour.

      Donna please take care of yourself in this difficult time. Make your own cura di sé a priority, to build within yourself the resilience that will help you cope.
      Buona fortuna,
      Jess

  3. Comment by Maria

    Maria rispondere Giugno 12, 2016 a 10:24 su

    My brother was abused by his teacher in grade 9. Now he is 30 and he has now disclosed this when we asked him to get married. He feels he cannot have relationship with his wife. He doesn’t want to go to any psychiatrist. Please tell me how can I help him, as I want him to start his life and be happy!
    Concerned sister.

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Giugno 16, 2016 a 1:39 pm

      Hi Maria,
      Thanks for reaching out for some assistance.

      I’m hearing that you care very much for your brother and want to help him, and I really want to commend you for researching ways you can do that! Ultimately the decision to seek support in processing his abuse, or to work towards developing a relationship, is up to him. It may be that he is not ready, and until he gets to that point on his own, the best way you can help him is to accept him, be there when he does feel ready to talk, and be patient with him. Keep in mind that there is no one way of working things out; it very much depends on the person.

      It seems you are already doing what you can to help himdoing some reading to learn what he is going through. Some more pages that might be helpful include this one on men and intimacy, which outlines some reasons why he may be struggling with the idea of getting married just yet. Perhaps also these words of advice from men on how loved ones can best support them. Infine, although it is aimed at partners, this this information on disclosure of sexual abuse may also be helpful for any loved ones, including a concerned sister.

      Best of luck Maria, and remember to take care of yourself too.

  4. Comment by Amber M

    Amber M rispondere Giugno 21, 2016 a 8:50 pm

    My husband just disclosed to me last night. The perpetrator was a female friend to us both. It occurred about 6 years ago while my spouse was blackout drunk. We must navigate a strange medical support system to get to a therapist as he’s active duty military as is the perpetrator. I myself am a veteran. There’s restricted reporting where the military records that an incident took place, but no information goes public nor are charges brought forth. I’m very familiar with CSA and wrote a book on it for grad school, however this (rape as a male adult) I have no idea how to handle correctly. I myself have been in therapy for bad anxiety (unrelated) and am in the process of tapering off of an anxiety medication with my psychiatrist’s guidance. I feel overwhelmed and alone as it is his private story. I feel the need to schedule an appointment for myself to talk all of these emotions out. I want to be a solid support system. I feel like I’m doing this wrong!

  5. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany rispondere Giugno 22, 2016 a 3:02 pm

    Ciao, my husband was abused by his stepdad at 7. I’m his 2nd wife and we are heading for divorce. He thinks he has to have multiple partners. I believe he is confused, in the ways he wants sex and sometimes things he looks up, not that he wants a man. He told me he made him do horrible things he can’t speak of. But he won’t get help. He has always felt his children and I would be better off with out him, and that he is, in his words, un “in our way, a bother.I know he loves me but I can’t do it anymore, it has been 11 years together and it was like this when I met him, it ruined his last marriage. It’s hard to leave, not that I want to but he is unfaithful, and that is scary. I don’t want to abandon him as he feels everyone else has done. He doesn’t even speak to his mom. Please help with advice, I want my family and I want him to be happy!

  6. Comment by Ellen

    Contro rispondere Giugno 30, 2016 a 5:34 su

    Thank you for your article. I am in the very early stages of what we feel will be a serious long term relationship. my boyfriend and I are in the early days and have not got to the physical stage. we are in our 50s. he explained he was forced to have sex with his mother, who allowed it, when he was a very young teen. I am glad that he has told me, and feel so sad for what happened when he was a young boy. I am a mother of children myself.

    I have not asked questions, but have just left him to talk as and when he wishesI just would like to know if there is anything I can do, try to understand or help if and when he needs it? I want so much to be able to do the right thing for him as he means so much to me, and would be grateful for any further reading or information. We have both been married before and have children, and I myself was physically abused (not sexually) as a child. I just want to make sure I am there for him in any way and to understand his needs regards to this. He means a lot to me. Grazie.

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Gennaio 11, 2017 a 12:21 pm

      Hi Ellen,
      Thank you for your comment. It is wonderful that you are doing some reading and seeking to learn how best to support your partner. To be honest it sounds like you are already being incredibly supportive, understanding and loving. You said you have to far not pressed him about it, but have let him talk about it at his own pace. That sounds like a helpful way of approaching it, and if you have read this article then you know too some simple listening strategies you can use to ensure he feels heard and accepted.

      You mentioned you would like some further reading. I’d like to suggest some of the pages in the Per i partner section of this website. There are several articles on how to support a loved one who has disclosed sexual abuse. I hope they are of some help.
      Stai attento.

  7. Comment by Cadence

    Cadence rispondere Luglio 11, 2016 a 6:09 pm

    Ciao, I’m seeking advice.

    My boyfriend just opened up to me a few hours ago about being sexually abused when he was younger. We are both seventeen and I have been as well, by two different boyfriends a few years ago. I know the circumstances are different for women than they are for men. He hasn’t told me very much about it, just that it happened multiple times. He says he’s repressed many memories of it. He’s currently in counseling and takes medication for anxiety and depression, however he keeps forgetting to take it.

    I guess what I’m wondering is what to say if it comes up again. I have many questions I’d like to ask him but am not sure if that’s a wise idea. I’d like to help him in any way I can, but I’m not quite sure how to do so.

    Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Settembre 2, 2016 a 11:31 su

      Hi Cadence,
      Thanks for your comment, and good on you for doing some research. I think it shows how much you do care for your boyfriend, and want to support him. I’m sure that position is something he will be picking up from you, which in itself would be really helpful for him.

      If it does come up again, the best thing you can do is to simply continue to be your caring self. Demonstrate that care, and the empathy you have for him. Listen to him in a nonjudgmental way, and let him know you’re there for him. Let him go at his own pacealthough it sounds like you’re already doing that. Encourage him to take care of himself, encourage him that healing and hope are possible. It is very hopeful and encouraging that he is opening up and sharing his feelings and experiences to you and to a counsellor and you can reflect that back to him to encourage him to continue on that journey.

      We have a list of articles for partners that might be helpful in becoming informed and learning how to respond helpfully.

      Best of luck Cadence.

  8. Comment by Tay

    Tay rispondere Luglio 12, 2016 a 12:36 pm

    I am engaged. We have been together for about a year. He told me of his sexual abuse by a family member when he was 8. He never wants to go into detail about it and almost always refuses to talk about it.

    He gets in these moods where he is just sad. He is very quiet and doesn’t have many friends or a close relationship to his family. When he told me about the abuse for the first time he kept repeating that he wasn’t gay and he didn’t know what was happening. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother and doesn’t want her to know. It is affecting him severely enough that he has suicidal thoughts and horrible depressive episodes.

    I know that talking about it will only help him heal and I feel that he needs to talk with his mother. I can’t force him because he is holding on to the tiny emotional attachment they have. She is very self absorbed and appearing that her family is perfect is more important than it actually being. She constantly sweeps things under the rug, such as who his father is.

    I just need to know how to get him to tell her what happened and how he is feeling about it all. I mean he told me within months of our relationship and he can’t tell her. That says a lot about the depth of their relationship. It’s emotionally draining, because when he’s hurting so am I. Thinking of not having him around haunts me everyday. How can I help him heal without being pushy?

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Luglio 15, 2016 a 10:11 su

      Hi Tay,
      Thanks so much for getting in touch, and seeking some advice around this difficult and sensitive issue. It shows how much you care about your fiance and how much you want to support him.

      I think it says a lot that your fiance was able to talk to you of his history of abuse. This indicates how deeply he trusts you. Many men never speak about their abuse to anyone.

      It sounds as though he and his mother have a difficult relationship. If she tends to sweep things under the rug, and make things about herself, then I’m not sure that her reaction to his disclosure would be at all helpful for him. I’m guessing he is aware of this, and that is why he has chosen not to tell her. Ultimately it is his decision.

      Infatti, many men have come forward to say that it is not helpful to be pressured to talk about it. Talking about it can be a way to promote recovery, but not for everyone.

      I know it’s hard for you, because you very much want to see him heal and move on, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him do so at his own pace. Be there for him as you have been. Suggest he seek help from a counsellor experienced in this area if it seems his depression doesn’t improve, but acknowledge that the decision needs to come from him and his own readiness.

      Please know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself in this time. Check out some of our other pages for partners, compresi When your partner discloses sexual abuse, e Per i partner: Relazioni sfide.

      Buona fortuna, Tay

  9. Comment by Tori

    Tori rispondere Settembre 15, 2016 a 4:32 su

    Ciao – my 38 year old boyfriend of seven years just recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused by his older sister when he was 8 anni. I don’t know the specifics of the abuse but he has had a drug problem on and off for the last 20 years that I suspect is closely related to the abuse. He has recently relapsed and is in counseling to deal with the drug abuse (and hopefully the sexual abuse as well although he hasn’t spoken to his therapist about it yet). He also informed me that about 10 years ago he tried to tell his parents about the abuse but they didn’t believe him.
    There is a history of abuse and incest in his family (his father sexually molested one, if not two, of his sisters, including the sister who abused my boyfriend). I’m so incredibly shocked and angry at the family members who knew about the abuse for allowing him to essentially self destruct rather than helping him with the trauma he experienced. I feel that they swept the abuse under the rug and ignored it in an effort for self preservation and thereby caused him to deteriorate and be in so much pain for the last 30 anni.
    I think that him disclosing this information to me has opened a festering wound and as of now, he’s in a very bad mental and emotional state. At this point I feel that I’m the only person he really trusts as his trust in his family is essentially gone. My first inclination is to separate him from his family (mainly due to their unwillingness to recognize the abuse and help him with it) but I’m not sure that would be helpful. He has agreed and is willing and eager to continue counseling but do you think that a temporary separation from his family would be helpful for him?

  10. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany rispondere Novembre 8, 2016 a 1:28 su

    Thanks so much for all the helpful information. My husband has struggled on and off with pornography through our 16 year relationship. He just disclosed to me 6 months ago that he was raped when he was 10. That is all he has said and he doesn’t want to talk about it or go to counseling. I don’t want to push him but I am fearful that it is all going to crash down on him someday. He says he has learned to deal with it and he’s fine. Does everyone need to go to counseling or do some people heal on their own? And should i try to get him to talk more to me about it or just let him know I’m here with no judgement of he wants to talk. But the pornography is really hard to handle of he starts doing that again.

  11. Comment by Selena

    Selena rispondere Gennaio 7, 2017 a 12:36 pm

    Ciao,

    My boyfriend just told me this past weekend that his brother sexually abused and molested him when he was 7 and his brother was 12. We have been together for almost 4 anni. He only told me, and recently one other friend, because he said he had just thought about it. He had been repressing these memories for more than 20 anni. He said that he didn’t want to tell me about it because he didn’t want me to hate his brother. He has a very close family, and I would have never in a million years ever thought that his brother could of done this to him when they were younger. His brother’s family have stayed with us multiple times and I would have never thought twice about him. Now I am very worried that he might still be molester and he has 4 kids. Am I wrong in thinking that this might be the case? My boyfriend says that he doesn’t want to keep talking about it because he just wants to forget about it, but at the same time he wants to find some sort of resolution for it and confront his brother. I guess I am just absolutely disgusted and flabbergasted and I don’t want to talk to his brother ever again. I know that that would hurt him though because he still somehow loves his brother. I guess I am looking for advice, I cannot stop thinking of this situation and I keep seeing his brothers face over and over again in my mind and becoming more and more enraged and disgusted. Help.

  12. Comment by Lee

    Lee rispondere Gennaio 14, 2017 a 12:29 su

    My partner of over a year is haphephobic and I believe has been the victim of a childhood sexual abuse. He carries guilt and shame like a cloak. I know he loves me. He is an incredible man and one of the best fathers i have ever met. He hasn’t told me this is so. I have seen porn on his browser history and shemales. He would probably be mortified if he thought I knew this. Sex is always at his discretion, and often he will declare ‘personal spaceif i touch him sexually without him instigating it first. He is apologetic about this and before realising that something might have occurred in his past, I have to say I felt hugely rejected.
    I’m wondering how to broach the subject with him. His motheraccording to his older brotherappears to be in an unnatural relationship (kissing on the mouth etc) with their younger brother who is also an adult. He doesn’t speak to his mother.
    I know it’s taken a long time for him to find someone he trusts. I don’t want to stuff this up and I want him to be rid of these demons that haunt him. How do I help and support him please?

    • Comment by Brenton [Living Well Personale]

      Brenton [Living Well Personale] rispondere Marzo 24, 2017 a 12:27 pm

      Hi Lee, thank you for getting in touch.

      From what I’ve read, you have felt rejection from your partner in the past, which was lessened by the possibility that he has a history of trauma that might explain his discomfort with touch. I can also understand the sense of pressure you might feel to support him in a way that doesn’t overcome him with shame, and that offers the best chance of improving your life together.

      It can take a long time for men to come forward, for a number of reasons. As you have already identified, the main one will be shame, but also acknowledging that it happened can (in the short term) increase difficulties like intrusive thoughts, incubi, e flashback.

      I would recommend building the relationship up as an important first step. Spend more time together one on one, even if it’s just going for a walk, checking out a new cafe, or connecting over a glass of wine in the evenings.

      During your time together talk about what you might hope for the future of the relationship, in terms of things like time spent together, shared activities, intimacy and vulnerability. You might talk about how open you want to be with each other, barriers to that openness, and even what you might like in terms of physical intimacy.

      I would ensure to lead the charge in being open yourself, so that you can be a model what this looks like. Building rapport like this in the relationship may even prove to be healing in itself, and will certainly increase the likelihood of further closeness for you both. It is often thought that in order to get over sexual abuse, one has to go over the abuse again, and achieve abreakthroughthat frees you from your past. This is not necessarily true for everyone.

      Instead for now, I would recommend focusing on making things good between you.. and taking care of yourself.

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