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Soutenir la divulgation des hommesSi vous lisez la fiche d'information, il est probable que sont intéressés à en apprendre plus sur comment vous pouvez aider un homme que vous connaissez qui a l'abus sexuel d'enfant expérimenté. Ou bien, un homme que vous connaissez peut-être donné cette feuille pour vous parce qu'il croit que vous êtes quelqu'un qui peut lui offrir un soutien. Dire à quelqu'un que vous avez abus sexuels dans leur enfance ou l'agression sexuelle n'est pas facile. Comment la divulgation de l'abus sexuel d'enfant ou d'agression sexuelle se produit et comment il est répondu à peut influencer de manière significative l'avenir d'un homme bien-être. Malheureusement, recherche indique que plus de 70% des hommes qui ont subi des abus sexuels dans l'enfance n'ont pas dit à personne. Ci-dessous l'information sur ce qui peut influencer la divulgation d'abus sexuel ou d'agression sexuelle des hommes, ainsi que des suggestions quant à la façon dont vous pourriez être en mesure de l'aider tout en continuant à prendre soin de vous.

Les obstacles à la communication

Les garçons et les hommes, comme les filles et les femmes, souvent ne parlent pas de l'abus sexuel dans l'enfance ou l'agression sexuelle. Cependant la capacité des hommes à parler de la violence sexuelle est encore plus touché par les questions liées aux stéréotypes de la masculinité, l'homophobie et la confusion au sujet de la sexualité, préoccupations que l'homme va devenir un auteur de violence, et un manque de soutien visible pour les hommes. Se il vous plaît prendre le temps de consulter la liste détaillée des obstacles que les hommes font face sur notre page Les hommes et la divulgation: Décider de dire.

Les choses qui peuvent encourager la divulgation

Tout comme les hommes et les garçons peuvent être dissuadés de parler de la violence, si certains événements peuvent conduire les hommes à parler de leurs expériences. Divulgation des abus sexuels peut être motivée par:

  • Voir un film sur la violence ou d'entendre un débat public sur les abus sexuels (par exemple, un service d'assistance téléphonique pour enfants annonce, des films comme 'Mysterious Skin').
  • Divulgation d'un ami, partenaire, famille ou un membre du groupe des hommes.
  • Voir la personne qui a commis l'agression sexuelle, entendu parler ou en visitant le lieu où la violence se soit produite.
  • Devenir parent, ou être à proximité d'un enfant qui atteint l'âge de l'homme était lorsque l'abus a été perpétré.
  • Quand une relation se décompose ou quand un partenaire insiste sur le fait que pour une relation à survivre, vous devez consulter un conseiller.
  • Quand il ya des enquêtes publiques sur les abus ou d'agression (e.g. La Commission royale, Enquête Forde).
  • Si la police vous contacter cherchant d'autres preuves pour engager des poursuites.
  • Revivre l'assaut à travers des flashbacks, cauchemars, etc.
  • Les problèmes de santé ou vérifier un physique jusqu'à (e.g. suggestion d'un examen de la prostate).
  • Quand un partenaire offre un soutien et la compréhension.
  • Quand un homme sent qu'il doit traiter avec elle ou mourir!

Comment vous pouvez aider

Vous n'avez pas à être un expert ou connaître toutes les bonnes choses à dire à être en mesure d'aider un homme qui a subi des violences sexuelles. Le fait que l'homme a soulevé la question avec vous indique qu'il croit que vous êtes quelqu'un qui peut vous aider.

Comme une personne de soutien, vous pouvez jouer un rôle important en aidant un homme qui a subi des violences sexuelles. Il n'existe aucun moyen mis pour soutenir quelqu'un. Chaque personne réagit différemment à ce qui s'est passé et va chercher différents types d'aide à différents moments.

Une aide pratique

Ce n'est pas seulement un soutien émotionnel qu'un homme peut exiger. Quelques idées simples et pratiques qui peuvent être utiles à offrir comprennent société, le transport aux rendez-vous, garde d'enfants, l'épicerie ou la cuisson d'un repas. Il est important que vous parlez avec l'homme et de vérifier avec lui sur ce qu'il aimerait. En étant disponible, patient et compréhensif, vous pouvez aider un homme pour réduire l'impact de la violence sexuelle sur sa vie.

Écoutez

Photo of people talking Écoutez attentivement ce qu'il dit. Laissez-le parler à son rythme, et de révéler autant d'informations qu'il est à l'aise avec. Essayez de ne pas l'interrompre ou de poser beaucoup de questions. Étant posé beaucoup de questions peut se sentir comme étant interrogé. Ne vous inquiétez pas si il cesse de parler pendant un certain temps – silences sont d'accord. Vous n'avez pas de se précipiter pour combler les lacunes. Vous n'avez pas besoin de connaître tous les détails, essayez de ne pas demander plus d'informations sur les événements réels que ce qui est fait du bénévolat.

Le croire

Il est important que vous lui faire savoir que vous le croyez. Les gens font rarement des histoires sur les abus sexuels. Il est également important de penser à ce que vous dites. Vous avez été influencé, car nous avons tous, par les nombreux mythes inutiles dans notre société sur les abus sexuels, donc il ne serait pas utile de dire immédiatement ce qui vient immédiatement en tête. Essayez d'éviter de renforcer les mythes inutiles. (Voir la page sur Croyances inutiles).

Stay calm

Essayez de contenir vos propres sentiments. Ne pas laisser les sentiments de choc horreur, colère, l'indignation et le dégoût de vous arrêter d'offrir un soutien. Un homme pourrait mal interpréter l'expression de ces sentiments comme un rejet de lui ou de soutien à la croyance que la violence sexuelle est un sujet honteux / horrible / dégoûtant qu'il ne faut pas mentionner.

Si vous vous sentez dépassé, dites-le et prenez le temps de respirer et de rassembler vos idées. Dites-lui que vous comprenez que ce dont il parle est blessante et douloureuse, mais que vous êtes prêt à passer du temps avec lui. Soyez conscient que si la personne qui a commis l'abus est un membre de la famille ou un proche, l'homme peut avoir des sentiments contradictoires envers eux et il peut ne pas être utile si vous dites accablant choses à leur sujet. Il peut être utile d'expliquer que vos expressions d'émotions se rapportent à ce qu'il a vécu et que vous n'êtes pas en colère contre lui.

Assurance, cohérence et la fiabilité

Dites à l'homme que vous êtes heureux qu'il ait parlé avec vous. S'il vous dit de se sentir responsable d'une partie de ce qui s'est passé, prendre le temps d'écouter et essayer de comprendre comment il a pu penser que ce. Reconnaître que c'est quelque chose qu'il pourrait parler à travers avec un conseiller à l'avenir, Ne négligez pas ce qu'il vous dira. Dites-lui que vous appréciez que parler de ses sentiments et préoccupations est difficile, cependant que vous êtes content qu'il vous fait confiance assez pour parler avec vous.

Juste être là fournir un appui cohérent est important, Comme il peut y avoir des hauts et des bas, bonnes périodes et des périodes difficiles, même en une seule journée. Si les choses ne s'améliorent pas tout de suite, ne présumez pas qu'il est devenu malade mental. Rappeler, parfois, les choses semblent empirer avant de s'améliorer. Être cohérent et fiable peut avoir un impact positif en soi.

Offrez confidentialité des limites

Il est important que l'information qui est divulguée vous est traité avec respect et maintenu en confiance. Assurez-vous que vous consultiez avec lui au sujet de ce que ses attentes sont avant de partager ce qu'il vous a dit à quelqu'un d'autre. Il sera probablement pas envie de vous dire quelque chose à quelqu'un d'autre sans son autorisation expresse.

En parler à travers ses attentes en matière de confidentialité, il est important de considérer si quelqu'un est en tout danger présent et pour discuter de la façon dont vous pourriez avoir besoin de parler en toute confiance avec un conseiller ou un ami de confiance pour votre propre bien-être. Si vous avez un problème que l'enfant ou l'adolescent est actuellement dans une situation de violence ou d'abus, puis éventuellement le bien-être de l'adolescent doit être une préoccupation majeure. Vous devrez peut-être envisager de parler davantage avec quelqu'un qui s'y connaît en protection de l'enfance. Essayez de ne pas faire de promesses que vous ne pourrez pas tenir.

Obtenir un soutien pour vous-même

Soutenir quelqu'un qui a subi des sévices sexuels sur les enfants ou d'agression sexuelle va imposer des exigences supplémentaires sur vous. Il est donc important que vous preniez soin de vous. Mettez de côté le temps de relaxer et vous assurer que vous vous engagez dans des activités qui permettent de recharger vos batteries. Comme quelqu'un l'appui de l'offre vous pouvez également bénéficier de parler avec un conseiller qui peut vous aider à traiter sentiments et d'explorer vos choix. Rappelez-vous le plus fort et mieux pris en charge que vous êtes le plus vous serez en mesure de fournir une assistance à quelqu'un.

Information pour les partenaires intimes

Si vous êtes un partenaire intime d'un homme qui a été soumis à des violences sexuelles, être conscient que les actions dans la présente peuvent ramener des souvenirs désagréables et déclencher des émotions fortes. Sometimes he will not want to be sexual, or even close and physically affectionate. At other times becoming physically close and sexually intimate may be welcomed. Si vous n'êtes pas sûr de ce qu'il veut, poser avant d'agir, et reconnaître que ce qu'il veut peut changer très rapidement. Aussi, it is important to ensure that your choices are also respected, and to remember that there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. La réalité est que les relations fonctionnent mieux lorsque les deux parties se sentent soutenus, en mesure de discuter des options et leurs moyens privilégiés de faire respecter.

Check our our page When your partner discloses sexual abuse for more information on this topic.

 

19 commentaires

  1. Comment by Snave

    Snave Répondre Avril 10, 2016 à 1:50 pm

    Se il vous plaît aider. My husband early on in our marriage about a year and a half ago told me he was sexually abused by his priest when he was younger.

    This is our second marriage. Both of us have been married before and we are always having conflict. He becomes violent whenever I try to get emotionally connected with him. He always says he wants divorce. He behaves in strange ways, like kissing me on the cheek instead of the lips because he confuses me with his ex wife who was sick and he didn’t want to kiss me on the lips and get sick thinking I was sick. He acts psychopathic and seems to protect his ex wife more than our relationship.

    The latest tragedy was he got upset with me for texting him and his ex wife, telling both of them to stop communicating so much, as they had made plans for their boys to go with her Easter morning, when I had been trying to make plans for all of us (our family of 7, my husband and I and our 5 enfants) to go to church Easter morning and he kept ignoring me.

    I don’t understand his strange behavior and he becomes abusive with me. He got so angry with me the night before Easter that he struck me and caused a laceration on my face. I called the police and now for the umpteenth time he wants divorce. He cannot have a disagreement with me without saying he hates me, wants me out of the house, or wants a divorce.

    I don’t know how to help or what to do. I feel as if I need to divorce him, but it is hard as I think his problem is his being sexually abused by his priest. He refuses to get help. I don’t know what else I can possibly do other than to divorce him at this point.

    Se il vous plaît aider. I love him and feel sorry for him. Je ne sais pas quoi faire. I beg for divine intervention. A miracle. Something!!!! S'il vous plaît…….

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Avril 15, 2016 à 10:29 sur

      Hi Snave,

      Merci de nous avoir pour un certain soutien, and for sharing your story. I know that its’t easy and I really want to commend you for that.

      Cela ressemble à une situation très difficile. I am hearing that you are concerned about your husband’s past experience of sexual abuse, his current behaviour and how this affecting your relationship in an ongoing way.

      You said that this is a second marriage for both of you and that you have a blended family. It will be useful for you to make sure you are both supported in thinking through what your options and priorities are, and deciding where to from here. Il est utile si vous êtes au clair sur le type de relation que vous voulez, quelles attentes il ya par rapport à la façon dont se comportent les partenaires dans cette relation, et comment vous témoignez amour, soins et respect de l'autre. Cela se traduira par l'élaboration et être clair sur ce qui est et n'est pas un comportement acceptable. Providing a clear message about what your expectations and limits are is important for both of you.

      Toutes les relations peuvent faire face à des difficultés qui peuvent prendre un certain travail sur, si une personne a été agressée sexuellement ou non. Ce qui est important est que chaque partenaire assume la responsabilité pour eux-mêmes et il ya une compréhension partagée et un engagement à faire de cette un soutien, prise en charge, relation respectueuse qui fonctionne pour vous deux.

      Snave I’m hearing that you have so much care and concern for your husband, however I need to be clear that his violent behaviour is not okay. Qu'est-ce que vous avez décrit ci-dessus est la violence conjugale, ou la violence domestique. A history of sexual abuse does not ’causeviolent behaviourthat is his choice.

      You mentioned that you texted both your husband and his ex-wife to tell them not to communicate with each other so much. I’m guessing this was a ‘last resorttactic to get his attention, as you said he had been ignoring your attempts to communicate with him about this. I’m wondering if you have tried to talk to him calmly and openly about your feelings around thisoften when we become vulnerable about how someone’s actions make us feel deep down this can get more results than making demands about specific behaviours we want to stop.

      I would like to invite you to check out our page Information pour les partenaires: Défis relationnels which has some strategies that might be helpful (in the comments section as well as the main content).

      It looks like you are in the USA so we can’t provide you with counselling directly, however I wonder if the two of you would be open to getting some support, assistance and advice together with a professional counsellor? It can be very helpful to talk these thoughts and feelings through with someone who can help.

      Finalement, please prioritise your own self care through this. I know you want to support him, and I’m thinking that right an important way to do that is to ensure you have the resilience and strength to do so. That means doing things that improve your own well-being.

      Our partners in the USA have some more info relevant to you both on http://www.1in6.org.

      Bonne chance, Snave.

  2. Comment by Donna

    Donna Répondre Avril 20, 2016 à 9:34 pm

    Dear Gary,
    I married Tim 4 il ya des années, this is our second marriage for the both of us. Tim and I went to school 30 years ago togeather. Tim was sexually abused by a babysitter when he was 6.

    I found out about the porn before we were married. He told me he’s no longer looking but every time I leave he’s on the internet telling me he’s only checking emails. I found out on the computer he had a dating site that he said he forgot was still there.

    I don’t get it, he tells me he loves me, there’s only me, that he cares for no one else. Our intimacy is great, he is always holding my hand or hugging me, always holding my hand in public or telling me I’m so beautiful. He told me he is not looking.

    I asked him to cut off the internet for a while he said no that no one is going to tell him what to do. I told him I wasn’t, but to help us get through this. Il a dit, let it go Donna it’s been 5 ans. I told him it wasn’t that easy.

    We are going to counselling now, he said I will do what ever it takes. Am I overreacting to this? Have I become obsessed with this? I have a Aeortic Anysurim and they think it has grown. I’m scared for me and I’m scared Tim is not being truthful.
    Thank you for responding,
    Donna

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Mai 5, 2016 à 1:11 pm

      Hi Donna,

      My name is Jess and I’m a counsellor for Living Well. First I want to thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for some support. I know how difficult that can be; it takes a lot of strength and courage.

      I got the clear message from your story that you and Tim care about each other so much, that this is demonstrated in many ways from each of you. I think that care and love is what is prompting this concern on your part, so no, I don’t think it’s an overreaction or an obsession. I think you simply want what’s best for Tim, for yourself and for your relationship. You want it to be healthy, open, honest and supportive.

      It seems that Tim does also, as he has been quite open with you about his experiences (qui, involving sexual abuse, is never easy for a man, with the additional barriers and stereotypes they often face). I’m hearing though that he may be facing a continuing struggle with porn and internet chat sites. I first want to let you know that this is not unusual for men who have experienced sexual abuse. Experiencing unwanted sexual contact as a young person can have lasting impacts on a person’s experience of and feelings about sex and sexual intimacy. Porn and the internet can seem to be a “sécurité” way to try to get through the extra layers of confusion and pain.

      I’m so pleased to hear you are attending counselling together. I think this can be a space for you to be clear about your hopes, needs and expectations for this relationship, and to be clear with him that while you want to be closer to him, his use of porn is something that is ultimately pushing you apart. It can be helpful to talk about sensitive topics like this in terms of your own feelings, and how his behaviour is impacting you, rather than allowing frustration to take over and making demands (even if they are well-meant), qui, as I’ve gathered from your comment, has resulted in defensiveness from him in the past. Allow him to acknowledge that the choices he is making are hurting you, and that it is this hurt that is prompting the fear and the suspicion. Hopefully he will then be able to see clearly that you are nottelling him what to do” – you simply don’t want to lose him, and that he can make different choices about his behaviour.

      Donna please take care of yourself in this difficult time. Make your own soins auto a priority, to build within yourself the resilience that will help you cope.
      Bonne chance,
      Jess

  3. Comment by Maria

    Maria Répondre Juin 12, 2016 à 10:24 sur

    My brother was abused by his teacher in grade 9. Now he is 30 and he has now disclosed this when we asked him to get married. He feels he cannot have relationship with his wife. He doesn’t want to go to any psychiatrist. Please tell me how can I help him, as I want him to start his life and be happy!
    Concerned sister.

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Juin 16, 2016 à 1:39 pm

      Hi Maria,
      Thanks for reaching out for some assistance.

      I’m hearing that you care very much for your brother and want to help him, and I really want to commend you for researching ways you can do that! Ultimately the decision to seek support in processing his abuse, or to work towards developing a relationship, is up to him. It may be that he is not ready, and until he gets to that point on his own, the best way you can help him is to accept him, be there when he does feel ready to talk, and be patient with him. Keep in mind that there is no one way of working things out; it very much depends on the person.

      It seems you are already doing what you can to help himdoing some reading to learn what he is going through. Some more pages that might be helpful include this one on men and intimacy, which outlines some reasons why he may be struggling with the idea of getting married just yet. Perhaps also these words of advice from men on how loved ones can best support them. Finalement, although it is aimed at partners, this this information on disclosure of sexual abuse may also be helpful for any loved ones, including a concerned sister.

      Best of luck Maria, and remember to take care of yourself too.

  4. Comment by Amber M

    Amber M Répondre Juin 21, 2016 à 8:50 pm

    My husband just disclosed to me last night. The perpetrator was a female friend to us both. It occurred about 6 years ago while my spouse was blackout drunk. We must navigate a strange medical support system to get to a therapist as he’s active duty military as is the perpetrator. I myself am a veteran. There’s restricted reporting where the military records that an incident took place, but no information goes public nor are charges brought forth. I’m very familiar with CSA and wrote a book on it for grad school, however this (rape as a male adult) I have no idea how to handle correctly. I myself have been in therapy for bad anxiety (unrelated) and am in the process of tapering off of an anxiety medication with my psychiatrist’s guidance. I feel overwhelmed and alone as it is his private story. I feel the need to schedule an appointment for myself to talk all of these emotions out. I want to be a solid support system. I feel like I’m doing this wrong!

  5. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany Répondre Juin 22, 2016 à 3:02 pm

    Salut, my husband was abused by his stepdad at 7. I’m his 2nd wife and we are heading for divorce. He thinks he has to have multiple partners. I believe he is confused, in the ways he wants sex and sometimes things he looks up, not that he wants a man. He told me he made him do horrible things he can’t speak of. But he won’t get help. He has always felt his children and I would be better off with out him, and that he is, in his words, une “in our way, a bother.I know he loves me but I can’t do it anymore, it has been 11 years together and it was like this when I met him, it ruined his last marriage. It’s hard to leave, not that I want to but he is unfaithful, and that is scary. I don’t want to abandon him as he feels everyone else has done. He doesn’t even speak to his mom. Please help with advice, I want my family and I want him to be happy!

  6. Comment by Ellen

    Contre Répondre Juin 30, 2016 à 5:34 sur

    Thank you for your article. I am in the very early stages of what we feel will be a serious long term relationship. my boyfriend and I are in the early days and have not got to the physical stage. we are in our 50s. he explained he was forced to have sex with his mother, who allowed it, when he was a very young teen. I am glad that he has told me, and feel so sad for what happened when he was a young boy. I am a mother of children myself.

    I have not asked questions, but have just left him to talk as and when he wishesI just would like to know if there is anything I can do, try to understand or help if and when he needs it? I want so much to be able to do the right thing for him as he means so much to me, and would be grateful for any further reading or information. We have both been married before and have children, and I myself was physically abused (not sexually) as a child. I just want to make sure I am there for him in any way and to understand his needs regards to this. He means a lot to me. Merci.

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Janvier 11, 2017 à 12:21 pm

      Hi Ellen,
      Thank you for your comment. It is wonderful that you are doing some reading and seeking to learn how best to support your partner. To be honest it sounds like you are already being incredibly supportive, understanding and loving. You said you have to far not pressed him about it, but have let him talk about it at his own pace. That sounds like a helpful way of approaching it, and if you have read this article then you know too some simple listening strategies you can use to ensure he feels heard and accepted.

      You mentioned you would like some further reading. I’d like to suggest some of the pages in the Pour les partenaires section of this website. There are several articles on how to support a loved one who has disclosed sexual abuse. I hope they are of some help.
      Prenez soin.

  7. Comment by Cadence

    Cadence Répondre Juillet 11, 2016 à 6:09 pm

    Bonjour, I’m seeking advice.

    My boyfriend just opened up to me a few hours ago about being sexually abused when he was younger. We are both seventeen and I have been as well, by two different boyfriends a few years ago. I know the circumstances are different for women than they are for men. He hasn’t told me very much about it, just that it happened multiple times. He says he’s repressed many memories of it. He’s currently in counseling and takes medication for anxiety and depression, however he keeps forgetting to take it.

    I guess what I’m wondering is what to say if it comes up again. I have many questions I’d like to ask him but am not sure if that’s a wise idea. I’d like to help him in any way I can, but I’m not quite sure how to do so.

    Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Septembre 2, 2016 à 11:31 sur

      Hi Cadence,
      Thanks for your comment, and good on you for doing some research. I think it shows how much you do care for your boyfriend, and want to support him. I’m sure that position is something he will be picking up from you, which in itself would be really helpful for him.

      If it does come up again, the best thing you can do is to simply continue to be your caring self. Demonstrate that care, and the empathy you have for him. Listen to him in a nonjudgmental way, and let him know you’re there for him. Let him go at his own pacealthough it sounds like you’re already doing that. Encourage him to take care of himself, encourage him that healing and hope are possible. It is very hopeful and encouraging that he is opening up and sharing his feelings and experiences to you and to a counsellor and you can reflect that back to him to encourage him to continue on that journey.

      We have a list of articles for partners that might be helpful in becoming informed and learning how to respond helpfully.

      Best of luck Cadence.

  8. Comment by Tay

    Tay Répondre Juillet 12, 2016 à 12:36 pm

    I am engaged. We have been together for about a year. He told me of his sexual abuse by a family member when he was 8. He never wants to go into detail about it and almost always refuses to talk about it.

    He gets in these moods where he is just sad. He is very quiet and doesn’t have many friends or a close relationship to his family. When he told me about the abuse for the first time he kept repeating that he wasn’t gay and he didn’t know what was happening. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother and doesn’t want her to know. It is affecting him severely enough that he has suicidal thoughts and horrible depressive episodes.

    I know that talking about it will only help him heal and I feel that he needs to talk with his mother. I can’t force him because he is holding on to the tiny emotional attachment they have. She is very self absorbed and appearing that her family is perfect is more important than it actually being. She constantly sweeps things under the rug, such as who his father is.

    I just need to know how to get him to tell her what happened and how he is feeling about it all. I mean he told me within months of our relationship and he can’t tell her. That says a lot about the depth of their relationship. It’s emotionally draining, because when he’s hurting so am I. Thinking of not having him around haunts me everyday. How can I help him heal without being pushy?

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Juillet 15, 2016 à 10:11 sur

      Hi Tay,
      Thanks so much for getting in touch, and seeking some advice around this difficult and sensitive issue. It shows how much you care about your fiance and how much you want to support him.

      I think it says a lot that your fiance was able to talk to you of his history of abuse. This indicates how deeply he trusts you. Many men never speak about their abuse to anyone.

      It sounds as though he and his mother have a difficult relationship. If she tends to sweep things under the rug, and make things about herself, then I’m not sure that her reaction to his disclosure would be at all helpful for him. I’m guessing he is aware of this, and that is why he has chosen not to tell her. Ultimately it is his decision.

      En fait, many men have come forward to say that it is not helpful to be pressured to talk about it. Talking about it can be a way to promote recovery, but not for everyone.

      I know it’s hard for you, because you very much want to see him heal and move on, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him do so at his own pace. Be there for him as you have been. Suggest he seek help from a counsellor experienced in this area if it seems his depression doesn’t improve, but acknowledge that the decision needs to come from him and his own readiness.

      Please know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself in this time. Check out some of our other pages for partners, y compris When your partner discloses sexual abuse, et Pour les partenaires: Défis relationnels.

      Bonne chance, Tay

  9. Comment by Tori

    Tori Répondre Septembre 15, 2016 à 4:32 sur

    Bonjour – my 38 year old boyfriend of seven years just recently disclosed to me that he was sexually abused by his older sister when he was 8 ans. I don’t know the specifics of the abuse but he has had a drug problem on and off for the last 20 years that I suspect is closely related to the abuse. He has recently relapsed and is in counseling to deal with the drug abuse (and hopefully the sexual abuse as well although he hasn’t spoken to his therapist about it yet). He also informed me that about 10 years ago he tried to tell his parents about the abuse but they didn’t believe him.
    There is a history of abuse and incest in his family (his father sexually molested one, if not two, of his sisters, including the sister who abused my boyfriend). I’m so incredibly shocked and angry at the family members who knew about the abuse for allowing him to essentially self destruct rather than helping him with the trauma he experienced. I feel that they swept the abuse under the rug and ignored it in an effort for self preservation and thereby caused him to deteriorate and be in so much pain for the last 30 ans.
    I think that him disclosing this information to me has opened a festering wound and as of now, he’s in a very bad mental and emotional state. At this point I feel that I’m the only person he really trusts as his trust in his family is essentially gone. My first inclination is to separate him from his family (mainly due to their unwillingness to recognize the abuse and help him with it) but I’m not sure that would be helpful. He has agreed and is willing and eager to continue counseling but do you think that a temporary separation from his family would be helpful for him?

  10. Comment by Tiffany

    Tiffany Répondre Novembre 8, 2016 à 1:28 sur

    Thanks so much for all the helpful information. My husband has struggled on and off with pornography through our 16 year relationship. He just disclosed to me 6 months ago that he was raped when he was 10. That is all he has said and he doesn’t want to talk about it or go to counseling. I don’t want to push him but I am fearful that it is all going to crash down on him someday. He says he has learned to deal with it and he’s fine. Does everyone need to go to counseling or do some people heal on their own? And should i try to get him to talk more to me about it or just let him know I’m here with no judgement of he wants to talk. But the pornography is really hard to handle of he starts doing that again.

  11. Comment by Selena

    Selena Répondre Janvier 7, 2017 à 12:36 pm

    Bonjour,

    My boyfriend just told me this past weekend that his brother sexually abused and molested him when he was 7 and his brother was 12. We have been together for almost 4 années. He only told me, and recently one other friend, because he said he had just thought about it. He had been repressing these memories for more than 20 ans. He said that he didn’t want to tell me about it because he didn’t want me to hate his brother. He has a very close family, and I would have never in a million years ever thought that his brother could of done this to him when they were younger. His brother’s family have stayed with us multiple times and I would have never thought twice about him. Now I am very worried that he might still be molester and he has 4 kids. Am I wrong in thinking that this might be the case? My boyfriend says that he doesn’t want to keep talking about it because he just wants to forget about it, but at the same time he wants to find some sort of resolution for it and confront his brother. I guess I am just absolutely disgusted and flabbergasted and I don’t want to talk to his brother ever again. I know that that would hurt him though because he still somehow loves his brother. I guess I am looking for advice, I cannot stop thinking of this situation and I keep seeing his brothers face over and over again in my mind and becoming more and more enraged and disgusted. Help.

  12. Comment by Lee

    Lee Répondre Janvier 14, 2017 à 12:29 sur

    My partner of over a year is haphephobic and I believe has been the victim of a childhood sexual abuse. He carries guilt and shame like a cloak. I know he loves me. He is an incredible man and one of the best fathers i have ever met. He hasn’t told me this is so. I have seen porn on his browser history and shemales. He would probably be mortified if he thought I knew this. Sex is always at his discretion, and often he will declare ‘personal spaceif i touch him sexually without him instigating it first. He is apologetic about this and before realising that something might have occurred in his past, I have to say I felt hugely rejected.
    I’m wondering how to broach the subject with him. His motheraccording to his older brotherappears to be in an unnatural relationship (kissing on the mouth etc) with their younger brother who is also an adult. He doesn’t speak to his mother.
    I know it’s taken a long time for him to find someone he trusts. I don’t want to stuff this up and I want him to be rid of these demons that haunt him. How do I help and support him please?

    • Comment by Brenton [Personnel bien Surface]

      Brenton [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Mars 24, 2017 à 12:27 pm

      Hi Lee, thank you for getting in touch.

      From what I’ve read, you have felt rejection from your partner in the past, which was lessened by the possibility that he has a history of trauma that might explain his discomfort with touch. I can also understand the sense of pressure you might feel to support him in a way that doesn’t overcome him with shame, and that offers the best chance of improving your life together.

      It can take a long time for men to come forward, for a number of reasons. As you have already identified, the main one will be shame, but also acknowledging that it happened can (in the short term) increase difficulties like intrusive thoughts, cauchemars, et flashbacks.

      I would recommend building the relationship up as an important first step. Spend more time together one on one, even if it’s just going for a walk, checking out a new cafe, or connecting over a glass of wine in the evenings.

      During your time together talk about what you might hope for the future of the relationship, in terms of things like time spent together, shared activities, intimacy and vulnerability. You might talk about how open you want to be with each other, barriers to that openness, and even what you might like in terms of physical intimacy.

      I would ensure to lead the charge in being open yourself, so that you can be a model what this looks like. Building rapport like this in the relationship may even prove to be healing in itself, and will certainly increase the likelihood of further closeness for you both. It is often thought that in order to get over sexual abuse, one has to go over the abuse again, and achieve abreakthroughthat frees you from your past. This is not necessarily true for everyone.

      Instead for now, I would recommend focusing on making things good between you.. and taking care of yourself.

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