Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. 谈论性虐待或性侵犯是一件简单的事情. 公开儿童性虐待或性侵犯的是由什么人是感觉或思考状, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

下面列出的是对什么可以帮助或阻碍人的披露性虐待或性侵犯的一些信息. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. 有一个读, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

如果你想支持一个人的信息披露,你可以欣赏 男子的披露: 您可以如何帮助.


男孩和男人, 像女童和妇女的, 通常不讲儿童性虐待或性侵犯. 这被认为是由于到的东西,如:

  • 威胁, either physical or verbal, 施虐者.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • 混乱, 有罪, 耻辱, or embarrassment. 例如, 相信你在某些方面负责或同谋.
  • 别人的不信任, 特别是如果你想告诉过去,并没有相信.
  • 不知道如何谈论它, 或不具有该词语.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • 正在担心,如果你不告诉, you will be told it’s “no big deal.”
  • 它的感觉太痛苦,以以至于不能谈谈. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • 想保护他人, 保守秘密,希望别人会不会也受到伤害或不安.

我很不好意思,我找不到词语来准确说出他在做什么, 但地狱,我试过往往不够. 现在我不知道他们为什么没猜错的什么是错的

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:


Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, 甚至对巨大可能性. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. 此外, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.



Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, 并歧视他. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, ,我认为他应该是它没关系.

如果, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, 这可以使他更不愿意谈论性虐待. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on 男性的性侵犯和性觉醒.

If the man is actually gay, he may believe that he has to face even more stigma and blame.

“如果你是同性恋, you fear that people will think [性虐待] 什么是你想要的。“


frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page 解决受害人罪犯周期.


A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.

的障碍申告上面的列表并不完整. 每个人都有他自己的个人故事告诉.

在西方文化, 男子被教导要后难: 他们不哭泣, 他们应该有答案, 成为供应商, 而最重要的是它是不行的展现情感. 你会在这样的情况下,告诉?


Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?


正如男人和男孩可以讲滥用气馁, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. 可以提示性虐待披露:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, 例如, 一个儿童热线的广告, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, 伙伴, family member or men’s group member.
  • 看到谁犯下的性虐待的人.
  • 听证会约或逛的地方,发生的滥用的在那里的.
  • 初为人父, 或贴近孩子谁打开岁的男子是在虐待行为持续.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • 当有公开调查虐待或殴打 (e.g. 皇家委员会, 弗勒询价).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through 倒叙噩梦.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. 的一个前列腺考试的建议).
  • 当一个合作伙伴提供的支持和理解时.
  • 当一个男人觉得他必须处理或死亡!

虽然这些邀请说出来可能存在, 男人都深知这告诉某人关于性虐待的经历并没有让问题自动消失. 它可以是有益的,使潜在成本,并告诉别人好处的清单, 无论是在短期和长期的. 如果秘密一直你知道, 算命的单纯的思想可以产生焦虑和阻止你访问适当的照顾和支持.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

怎么现在才来? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, 在短期和长期的?


好, 它只是保持秘密, 不要让任何人进入你的过去. 你这么害怕你的家人可能会说对你​​基本的, 或害怕重温过去的, 你不希望把它. 我曾在我的脑海里所发生的事情所有的时间, 但感觉一样,如果我不说什么人, 以及有一天我会就这样结束了. 如果我去了我的坟墓,没有人会永远不知道发生了什么事我.

由于上述报价说明, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that 安全 can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

在一个点, 什么也不说很可能已经生死攸关的问题. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

虽然保密可能会在短期内减少伤害, 它可以在长期的负面影响. 保密性虐待可以成为隔离. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

保密性可以变得像一个监狱, 内捕获你和朋友们保持了. 但, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.


如果你正在考虑与别人谈论你的经历, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.


  • 我想要什么样的信息共享?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. 你可以写并重写了一封信,直到它说你想要什么它说. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. 字母可以是功能强大的文件: 这些信号这件事情是很重要的. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.


Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (华盛顿 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • 我在看什么从这个人? 我喜欢什么样的反应?
  • 什么告诉我,这个人就可以听到我在说什么?
  • 什么是我的担心和疑虑? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • 我怎么可能会预备他们什么,我说?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

: 你可以打印出伴随生活好页的副本 有披露交易 合作伙伴, 朋友和家人, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.


It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. 怎么有人回应将自己的历史来确定, 关注, 值, 信仰和那种关系,他们与你.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. 这可能需要一些时间,有人采取什么你告诉他们. 考虑它慢慢地, 服用一段时间了,如果有必要收集您的想法. 很可能你正在通话的人将要思考的时间. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

尖: If you have previously spoken with a counsellor, 伴侣或朋友, 你可以要求他们协助您. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.


The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. 无论你正在谈论与合作伙伴, 朋友, 家属, 医生, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, 这可能是机会,让你体验到在控制和掌管你的选择是.



  1. 福尔摩斯, 该. Ç. (1998). 男生的性虐待: 定义, 患病, 相关因素, 后遗症与管理. 美国医学协会杂志, 飞行. 280, 不 21.
  2. 松, Ñ. W。, & 迈耶, ŗ. F. (1999). 在强奸报告的性别差异. 性别角色: A辑研究, 40, 979-987.
  3. 伊斯顿, Ş. D., 赵敏, 该. Y。, & 威利斯, ð. ĝ. (2013). “你能告诉情况下也一样?“: 障碍申告的儿童性虐待男性. 男人的心理 & 阳刚之气. 提前在网上公布. 二: 10.1037/a0034223

3 评论

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl 回复 七月 27, 2016 11:37 下午

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 天.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 几年前; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl 回复 七月 27, 2016 11:40 下午

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • 由杰西评论 [生活好员工]

      桎梏 [生活好员工] 回复 七月 28, 2016 2:28 下午

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. 性虐待的经验, 这是不寻常人们的生活紧密相连的,经验的问题. 但, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      否则, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      最后, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on 性侵犯和性觉醒 can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.


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