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Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. Bercakap tentang penderaan seksual atau serangan seksual tidak ada perkara yang mudah. Pendedahan penderaan seksual kanak-kanak atau serangan seksual dibentuk oleh apa yang seorang lelaki adalah perasaan atau pemikiran, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

Disenaraikan di bawah adalah beberapa maklumat mengenai apa yang boleh membantu atau menghalang pendedahan lelaki penderaan seksual atau serangan seksual. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. Membaca dengan, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

Jika anda mahu menyokong pendedahan seorang lelaki anda mungkin menghargai Lelaki pendedahan: Bagaimana anda boleh membantu.

Halangan kepada pendedahan

Lelaki dan lelaki, seperti kanak-kanak perempuan dan wanita, biasanya tidak bercakap tentang penderaan seksual kanak-kanak atau serangan seksual. Ini dipercayai disebabkan oleh perkara-perkara seperti:

  • Ancaman, either physical or verbal, dari pendera.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • Kekeliruan, bersalah, malu, or embarrassment. Sebagai contoh, mempercayai bahawa anda berada dalam beberapa cara yang bertanggungjawab atau bersubahat.
  • Ketidakpercayaan orang lain, terutamanya jika anda telah cuba untuk memberitahu pada masa lalu dan tidak percaya.
  • Tidak mengetahui bagaimana untuk bercakap mengenainya, atau tidak mempunyai perkataan.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • Yang bimbang bahawa jika anda memberitahu, anda akan diberitahu itu "bukan masalah besar."
  • Ia berasa terlalu sakit untuk bercakap tentang. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • A ingin melindungi orang lain, untuk menyimpan rahsia dengan harapan bahawa orang lain akan juga tidak dirosakkan atau marah.

Saya begitu malu bahawa saya tidak dapat mencari perkataan untuk mengatakan dengan tepat apa yang dia lakukan, tetapi neraka saya cuba kerap. Sekarang saya tertanya-tanya mengapa mereka tidak rasa ada sesuatu yang salah

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:

Stereotaip dominan kejantanan

Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, walaupun terhadap kemungkinan besar. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. Di samping itu, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.

"…penderaan seksual kepada seorang lelaki adalah satu penderaan terhadap kelelakian beliau juga. "

Homophobia dan kekeliruan mengenai seksualiti

Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, dan membezakan terhadapnya. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, dan berfikir dia harus okay mengenainya.

Jika, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, ini boleh membuat dia lebih keberatan untuk bercakap mengenai penderaan seksual. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on Serangan seksual lelaki dan rangsangan.

If the man is actually gay, dia boleh mempercayai bahawa dia mempunyai untuk menghadapi lebih stigma dan menyalahkan.

"Jika anda gay, anda takut bahawa orang ramai akan berfikir [penderaan seksual] adalah sesuatu yang anda mahu. "

Kebimbangan bahawa seorang lelaki akan menjadi 'pelaku' penderaan

A frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page Menangani mangsa kitaran pesalah.

Kekurangan sokongan dilihat untuk lelaki

A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.
 


 
Senarai di atas halangan untuk pendedahan adalah dengan cara tidak lengkap. Setiap orang mempunyai cerita sendiri peribadi untuk memberitahu.
 

Dalam budaya Barat, lelaki diajar untuk menjadi orang-orang yang sukar: mereka tidak menangis, mereka sepatutnya mempunyai jawapan, menjadi pembekal, dan di atas semua itu tidak mengapa untuk menunjukkan emosi. Anda akan memberitahu dalam keadaan seperti itu?

Apa yang anda akan menambah kepada senarai?

Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?

Perkara-perkara yang boleh menggalakkan pendedahan

Sama seperti lelaki dan kanak-kanak lelaki boleh digalakkan bercakap tentang penyalahgunaan, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. Pendedahan penderaan seksual boleh didorong oleh:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, Sebagai contoh, iklan Kanak-kanak Talian Bantuan, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, rakan kongsi, family member or men’s group member.
  • Melihat orang yang melakukan penderaan seksual.
  • Mendengar atau melawat tempat di mana penyalahgunaan berlaku.
  • Menjadi ibu bapa, atau yang dekat dengan kanak-kanak yang berusia umur lelaki itu apabila penyalahgunaan itu telah dilakukan.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • Apabila terdapat pertanyaan awam ke dalam penyalahgunaan atau serangan (e.g. Suruhanjaya Diraja, Forde Siasatan).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through imbasan atau mimpi buruk.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. cadangan pemeriksaan prostat).
  • Apabila rakan yang menawarkan sokongan dan pemahaman.
  • Apabila seorang lelaki yang merasakan dia perlu berurusan dengan ia atau mati!

Walaupun ini jemputan untuk bercakap mungkin wujud, lelaki hanya terlalu sedar bahawa memberitahu seseorang tentang pengalaman penderaan seksual tidak membuat masalah secara automatik pergi. Ia boleh menjadi berguna untuk membuat senarai kos dan faedah memberitahu seseorang yang berpotensi, dalam jangka pendek dan panjang. Jika kerahsiaan telah semua yang anda tahu, pemikiran semata-mata memberitahu boleh menghasilkan kebimbangan dan menghalang anda daripada mengakses penjagaan dan sokongan yang sesuai.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

Bagaimana datang sekarang? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, dalam kedua-dua jangka pendek dan panjang?

Satu masalah dengan kerahsiaan

Well, ia hanya menyimpan rahsia, tidak membiarkan sesiapa ke masa lalu anda. Anda begitu takut pada asasnya apa yang keluarga anda mungkin berkata terhadap anda, atau takut reliving yang lalu, bahawa anda tidak mahu membawa ia sehingga. Saya apa yang berlaku di belakang fikiran saya pada setiap masa, tetapi ia berasa seperti jika saya tidak berkata apa-apa kepada sesiapa pun, juga satu hari nanti saya mungkin menamatkan. Dan jika saya pergi ke kubur saya tidak ada orang lain akan pernah tahu apa yang berlaku kepada saya.

Seperti petikan di atas menunjukkan, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that keselamatan can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

Pada satu ketika, tidak mengatakan apa-apa yang boleh sangat baik telah menjadi perkara hidup dan mati. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

Walaupun kerahsiaan mungkin mengurangkan kerosakan dalam jangka pendek, ia boleh memberi kesan negatif dalam jangka masa panjang. Kerahsiaan tentang penderaan seksual boleh menjadi mengasingkan. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

Kerahsiaan boleh menjadi seperti penjara, memerangkap anda di dalam dan menjaga rakan-rakan daripada. Walau bagaimanapun, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.

Memilih untuk memberitahu dengan cara yang mengutamakan keselamatan

Jika anda sedang mempertimbangkan bercakap dengan seseorang tentang pengalaman anda, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. Anda decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.

Apakah tujuan saya berkongsi maklumat ini?

  • Apakah maklumat yang saya ingin berkongsi?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. Anda boleh menulis dan menulis semula surat sehingga ia mengatakan apa yang anda mahu untuk mengatakan. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. Surat boleh menjadi dokumen yang kuat: mereka memberi isyarat kepada perkara ini adalah penting. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.

Apa yang anda cari?

Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (Washington 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • Apa yang saya cari daripada orang ini? Apakah jenis tindak balas akan saya suka?
  • Apa yang memberitahu saya bahawa orang ini akan dapat mendengar apa yang saya katakan?
  • Apakah kebimbangan dan kebimbangan saya? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • Bagaimana saya boleh menyediakan mereka untuk apa yang saya kira-kira untuk mengatakan?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

Petua: Anda boleh mencetak salinan Hidup disertakan halaman Yah Berurusan dengan Pendedahan rakan kongsi, rakan-rakan dan keluarga, and have it on hand. This person might mahu to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.

Bersedia untuk ketidakpastian

It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. Bagaimana seseorang bertindak balas akan ditentukan oleh sejarah mereka sendiri, kebimbangan, nilai-nilai, kepercayaan dan jenis hubungan mereka dengan anda.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. Ia mungkin mengambil sedikit masa bagi seseorang untuk mengambil apa yang anda telah memberitahu mereka. Pertimbangkan mengambil ia perlahan-lahan, mengambil sedikit masa jika perlu untuk mengumpul pemikiran anda. Ia mungkin orang yang anda bercakap dengan akan mahu masa untuk berfikir. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

Petua: Jika anda pernah bercakap dengan kaunselor, rakan kongsi atau rakan, anda boleh meminta mereka untuk membantu anda. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.

Ingat

The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. Sama ada anda bercakap dengan rakan kongsi, rakan, ahli keluarga, doktor, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, ini boleh menjadi peluang untuk anda untuk merasai pengalaman berada dalam kawalan dan bertanggungjawab dalam pilihan anda.

Maklumat lanjut

Rujukan

  1. Holmes, The. C. (1998). Penderaan seksual kanak-kanak lelaki: Definisi, kelaziman, hubung kait, Sekuelanya dan Pengurusan. Jurnal Persatuan Perubatan Amerika, Penerbangan. 280, Tidak 21.
  2. Pine, N. W., & Meier, R. F. (1999). Perbezaan jantina dalam laporan rogol. Peranan seks: A Jurnal Penyelidikan, 40, 979-987.
  3. Easton, S. D., Saltzman, The. Y., & Willis, D. G. (2013). "Adakah Anda Beritahu bawah Keadaan Seperti Itu?": Halangan kepada Pendedahan Kanak-kanak Penderaan Seksual Lelaki. Psikologi Lelaki & Kejantanan. Pendahuluan penerbitan dalam talian. dua: 10.1037/a0034223

3 komen

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl Balas Julai 27, 2016 pada 11:37 pm

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 hari.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 tahun yang lalu; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl Balas Julai 27, 2016 pada 11:40 pm

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Staff]

      Jess [Living Well Staff] Balas Julai 28, 2016 pada 2:28 pm

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. Berikutan pengalaman penderaan seksual, it is not unusual for people’s lives to become closely connected with problems related to that experience. Walau bagaimanapun, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      Jika tidak, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      Akhirnya, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on Serangan seksual dan rangsangan can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.

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