Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. 性的虐待や性的暴行について話すことはありません簡単なことである. 幼年期の性的虐待や性的暴行の開示は、人が感じたり考えているものによって形作られ, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

性的虐待や性的暴行の男性の開示を助けるか、または妨げることができるかについていくつかの情報は、以下に記載されて. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. 読み取りの有無, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

あなたは男の開示をサポートするために欠けている場合は、感謝かもしれません メンズ開示: あなたは助けることができる方法.


少年と男性, 少女や女性のような, 一般的に幼児期の性的虐待や性的暴行を話すことはありません. これは、以下のようなものに起因すると考えられている:

  • 脅威, either physical or verbal, 虐待者から.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • 混乱, 罪, 恥, or embarrassment. 例えば, あなたが責任を共謀何らかの方法であったことを信じる.
  • 他人の不信, あなたが過去に教えしようとしたと考えられていなかった場合は特に.
  • それについて話をする方法を知らない, または単語を有さない.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • これを行うと言うことを心配されている, あなたはそれがんと言われる「大した。」
  • それは話をしすぎて痛い感じ. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • 他人を保護したい, 他の誰かがまた傷つけたり、動揺されないことを期待してそれを秘密にしておくために.

私は言葉は彼がやっていたかを正確に言うことを見つけることができなかったので恥ずかしかった, しかし地獄私は十分に頻繁に試み. 今、私は、彼らが何かが間違っていたと推測しなかった理由を不思議に思う

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:


Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, でも圧倒的なオッズに対して. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. 加えて, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.



Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, そして彼を差別. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, そして彼はそれについては大丈夫されるべきだと思う.

もし, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, これは性的虐待について話すために、彼はさらに消極的にすることができ. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on 男性の性的暴行と覚醒.

If the man is actually gay, 彼はさらに多くの偏見と非難に直面していると信じていること.

「あなたは同性愛者なら, あなたは人々が考えることを恐れる [性的虐待] あなたが望むものだった。 "


A frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page 犯人サイクルに被害者への対処.


A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.

開示に対する障壁の上記のリストは、完全なものではなく、. すべての人が言うことを彼自身の個人的な話を持っている.

西洋文化では、, 男性は厳しいものであると教示されている: 彼らは泣いてないです, それらは答えを持っていることになっている, プロバイダーである, そして何より、それは感情を表示しても大丈夫ではありません. あなたはそのような状況下で言うだろう?


Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?


男性と少年たちは、虐待の話から、がっかりすることができるのと同じように, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. 性的虐待の開示によって促すことができる:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, 例えば, キッズヘルプライン広告, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, パートナー, family member or men’s group member.
  • 性的虐待を犯した人を見て.
  • 聞いたり、虐待が発生した場所を訪れる.
  • 親になって, または乱用が犯されたときに男がいた時代を回す子供に近いこと.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • 虐待や暴行への公的問い合わせがある場合は (e.g. 王立委員会, フォルゲ問い合わせ).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through フラッシュバック または 悪夢.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. 前立腺検査の提案).
  • パートナーが支援とご理解を提供していたとき.
  • 男はそれに対処するか、死ななければならない感じるとき!

発言するには、招待状が存在していても, 男性は性的虐待の経験について誰かに伝えることは、問題が自動的に消えることはありませんことをのみすぎて認識しています. それは誰かを伝えるの潜在的な費用と便益のリストを作成することが有用であることができます, 短期および長期の両方で. 秘密は、あなたが知っているすべてのあった場合, 占いの単なる思考は不安を生産し、適切なケアとサポートにアクセスすることからあなたを停止することができます.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

今、どのように来る? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, 短期および長期の両方で?


よく, それだけで、秘密を保っている, あなたの過去に誰もさせない. あなたは、あなたの家族があなたに対して言うかもしれないものの基本的にはとても怖がっている, または過去を追体験が怖い, あなたはそれを持ってしたくないこと. 私は私の心の奥にすべての時間を何が起こったのか持っていた, 私は誰にも何も言わないかのようにそれは感じた, よく1日、私はちょうどそれを終わるかもしれない. そして、私は私のお墓の前に行った場合、誰もが今まで私に起こったかわからないだろう.

上記の引用が示すように, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that 安全 can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

ある時点で, 何も言っていないことは非常によく、生と死の問題だったかもしれない. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

秘密は、短期的には害を最小限に抑えるかもしれませんが, それが長期的に負の影響を持つことができ. 性的虐待についての秘密は、分離になることができます. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

秘密は、刑務所のようになることができます, 内部のあなたをトラップや友人を締め出す. しかしながら, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.


あなたの経験について誰かと話して検討している場合, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. あなた decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.


  • どのような情報を私は共有したいですか?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. それはあなたがそれが言いたいかを正確に言うまでは、手紙を書いて、書き換えることができます. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. 手紙には、強力なドキュメントすることができます: 彼らは、この問題が重要である信号. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.


Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (ワシントン 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • 私はこの人からは何を探しています? 応答のどんな私がしたい?
  • 何がこの人は私が言っているのか聞くことができるようになることを私に語った?
  • 私の悩みや不安は何ですか? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • どのように私は私が言っているもののためにそれらを準備するかもしれない?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

先端: あなたは、添付のリビングウェルのページのコピーをプリントアウトすることができ ディスクロージャーの対処 パートナー向け, 友人や家族, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.


It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. 誰かがどのように応答するか、独自の歴史によって決定されます, 懸念, 価値観, 信念と、彼らはあなたと持っている関係のようなもの.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. 誰かがあなたがそれらを語ったもので取るためには、いくつかの時間がかかることがあります. ゆっくりとそれを取って考えてみましょう, 必要に応じて自分の考えを収集するために、いくつかの時間を割い. それはおそらくあなたが話している人は、時間が思うことになるでしょうさ. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

先端: あなたは以前にカウンセラーと話している場合, パートナーや友人, あなたはあなたを助けるために、それらを求めることができる. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.


The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. あなたはパートナーと話をしているかどうか, 友人, 家族の一員, 医者, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, あなたがコントロールで、あなたの選択肢を担当されて体験するためにこれが機会になることができます.



  1. ホームズ, ザ. C言語. (1998). 少年たちの性的虐待: 定義, 有病率, 相関, 後遺症と管理. ジャーナルオブアメリカンメディカルアソシエーション, 飛行. 280, しない 21.
  2. パイン, N. W., & マイヤー, R. F. (1999). レイプ報告における性差. セックスの役割: 研究ジャーナル, 40, 979-987.
  3. イーストン, S. D., サルツマン, ザ. Y., & ウィリス, D. G. (2013). "あなたはそのような事情の下では言うだろう?": 男性のための児童性的虐待の開示への障壁. 男性の心理学 & 男らしさ. オンライン出版を進める. 2: 10.1037/a0034223

3 注釈

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl 応答 7月 27, 2016 11:37 午後

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 日.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 数年前に; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl 応答 7月 27, 2016 11:40 午後

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • Comment by Jess [リビングまあスタッフ]

      ジェス [リビングまあスタッフ] 応答 7月 28, 2016 2:28 午後

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. 性的虐待の経験に続いて, 国民生活に密接その経験に関連する問題で接続になることは珍しいことではありません. しかしながら, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      そうでなければ, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      ついに, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on 性的暴行と覚醒 can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.


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