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Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. Parlare di abuso sessuale o di violenza sessuale non è semplice. Divulgazione di abusi sessuali nell'infanzia o violenza sessuale è modellato da quello che un uomo si sente o pensa, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

Qui di seguito alcune informazioni su ciò che può aiutare o ostacolare la divulgazione di abuso sessuale o di violenza sessuale degli uomini. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. Avere una lettura, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

Se si vogliono sostenere la divulgazione di un uomo si può apprezzare Divulgazione Uomo: Come si può aiutare.

Barriere alla comunicazione

Ragazzi e uomini, come le ragazze e le donne, comunemente non parlare di abusi sessuali nell'infanzia o violenza sessuale. Questo è pensato per essere a causa di cose come:

  • Minacce, either physical or verbal, da chi abusa.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • Confusione, senso di colpa, vergogna, or embarrassment. Per esempio, credendo che tu fossi in qualche modo responsabile o complice.
  • Sfiducia di altri, soprattutto se si è tentato di dire in passato e non si credeva.
  • Non sapendo come parlarne, o non avere le parole.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • Essere preoccupato che se non dici, vi verrà detto che è "un grosso problema."
  • Si sente troppo doloroso parlarne. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • Un desiderio di proteggere gli altri, per mantenere il segreto nella speranza che qualcun altro non sarà anche danneggiato o turbato.

Ero così imbarazzato che non riuscivo a trovare le parole per dire esattamente quello che stava facendo, ma cavolo ho provato abbastanza spesso. Ora mi chiedo perché non hanno indovinare qualcosa non andava

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:

Stereotipi dominanti di mascolinità

Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, anche contro forze schiaccianti. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. Inoltre, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.

"…abuso sessuale di un uomo è un abuso contro la sua virilità pure. "

Omofobia e confusione circa la sessualità

Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, e discriminare contro di lui. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, e credo che dovrebbe essere a posto su di esso.

Se, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, questo può renderlo ancora più riluttanti a parlare di abusi sessuali. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on Maschio violenza sessuale e l'eccitazione.

If the man is actually gay, egli può credere che egli deve affrontare ancora più stigma e la colpa.

"Se sei gay, si teme che la gente penserà [l'abuso sessuale] era qualcosa che volevi. "

Le preoccupazioni che un uomo diventerà un 'colpevole' di abuso

A frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page Rivolgendosi alla vittima di reato ciclo.

Mancanza di supporto visibile per gli uomini

A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.
 


 
L'elenco degli ostacoli alla comunicazione non è affatto completo. Ogni uomo ha la sua storia personale da raccontare.
 

Nella cultura occidentale, uomini viene insegnato a essere quelli duri: sono non piangere, si suppone di avere le risposte, essere i fornitori, e soprattutto non va bene a mostrare emozioni. Vuoi dire in circostanze del genere?

Cosa vorresti aggiungere alla lista?

Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?

Cose che possono incoraggiare la divulgazione

Proprio come gli uomini ei ragazzi possono essere scoraggiati dal parlare di abuso, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. Divulgazione di abuso sessuale può essere richiesto da:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, Per esempio, un bambini Helpline pubblicità, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, Partner, family member or men’s group member.
  • Vedendo la persona che ha perpetrato l'abuso sessuale.
  • Sentir parlare o visitando il luogo in cui l'abuso si è verificato.
  • Diventare genitore, o di essere vicino a un bambino che gira l'età l'uomo era quando l'abuso è stato perpetrato.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • Quando ci sono inchieste pubbliche in abuso o aggressione (e.g. La Commissione Reale, Forde Richiesta).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through flashback o incubi.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. suggerimento di un esame alla prostata).
  • Quando un partner offre supporto e comprensione.
  • Quando un uomo sente di dover trattare con esso o morire!

Anche se questi inviti a parlare può esistere, gli uomini sono fin troppo consapevoli del fatto che dire a qualcuno su una esperienza di abuso sessuale non fa problemi vanno automaticamente via. Può essere utile fare un elenco dei costi e dei benefici di dire a qualcuno potenziali, sia nel breve e lungo termine. Se il segreto è tutto quello che hai conosciuto, il solo pensiero di raccontare può produrre ansia e ti impedisca di accedere alle cure e sostegno adeguato.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

Come mai ora? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, sia nel breve e lungo termine?

Una difficoltà con segretezza

Bene, è solo tenere un segreto, Non lasciare che qualcuno nel vostro passato. Sei così spaventata essenzialmente di ciò che la vostra famiglia potrebbe dire contro di voi, o paura di rivivere il passato, che non si desidera portare in su. Ho avuto quello che è successo nella parte posteriore della mia mente tutto il tempo, ma si sentiva come se io non dico niente a nessuno, bene un giorno avrei potuto appena finita. E se andassi alla mia tomba nessun altro avrebbe mai sapere cosa è successo a me.

Come suggerisce la citazione di cui sopra, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that sicurezza can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

Ad un certo punto, non dire nulla potrebbe benissimo essere una questione di vita o di morte. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

Anche se il segreto può minimizzare il danno a breve termine, può avere effetti negativi a lungo termine. La segretezza di abuso sessuale può diventare isolamento. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

La segretezza può diventare come una prigione, si intrappolando all'interno e mantenendo amici fuori. Tuttavia, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.

La scelta di raccontare in un modo che privilegia la sicurezza

Se state pensando di parlare con qualcuno circa le vostre esperienze, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. Te decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.

Qual è il mio scopo nella condivisione di queste informazioni?

  • Quali informazioni voglio condividere?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. È possibile scrivere e riscrivere una lettera fino a che non dice esattamente quello che vuoi dire. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. Le lettere possono essere documenti potenti: segnalano questa materia è importante. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.

Che cosa sta cercando?

Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (Washington 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • Quello che sto cercando da questa persona? Che tipo di risposta mi piacerebbe?
  • Quello che mi dice che questa persona sarà in grado di sentire quello che sto dicendo?
  • Quali sono le mie ansie e preoccupazioni? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • Come potrei io li prepara per quello che sto per dire?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

Suggerimento: Si può stampare una copia della pagina che accompagna Living Well Trattare con Disclosure per i partner, amici e famiglie, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.

Siate preparati per l'incertezza

It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. Come qualcuno risponde sarà determinata dalla propria storia, preoccupazioni, valori, credenze e il tipo di rapporto che hanno con te.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. Si può richiedere un certo tempo per qualcuno a prendere in quello che hai detto loro. Prendere in considerazione lentamente, prendendo po 'di tempo, se necessario, per raccogliere i vostri pensieri. E 'probabile che la persona si sta parlando con vorrà tempo per pensare. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

Suggerimento: Se in precedenza parlato con un consulente, partner o un amico, si può chiedere loro di aiutarvi. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.

Ricordare

The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. Sia che si sta parlando con un partner, amico, membro della famiglia, medico, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, questo può essere occasione per voi di provare di essere in controllo e responsabile delle tue scelte.

Maggiori informazioni

Riferimenti

  1. Holmes, Gli. C. (1998). L'abuso sessuale dei ragazzi: Definizione, prevalenza, correlati, Postumi e gestione. Journal of American Medical Association, Volo. 280, No 21.
  2. Pino, N. W., & Meier, R. F. (1999). Le differenze di genere nella segnalazione stupro. Ruoli sessuali: A Journal of Research, 40, 979-987.
  3. Easton, S. D., Saltzman, Gli. Y., & Willis, D. G. (2013). «Diresti in circostanze Like That?": Ostacoli alla divulgazione di abusi sessuali su minori per gli uomini. Psicologia degli Uomini & Mascolinità. Anticipo pubblicazione on-line. due: 10.1037/a0034223

3 commenti

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl rispondere Luglio 27, 2016 a 11:37 pm

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 giorni.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 anni fa; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl rispondere Luglio 27, 2016 a 11:40 pm

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • Comment by Jess [Living Well Personale]

      Jess [Living Well Personale] rispondere Luglio 28, 2016 a 2:28 pm

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. A seguito di una esperienza di abuso sessuale, non è insolito per la vita delle persone a diventare strettamente connessi con i problemi legati a quell'esperienza. Tuttavia, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      Altrimenti, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      Infine, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on Violenza sessuale e l'eccitazione can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.

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