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Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. Parler de la violence sexuelle ou d'agression sexuelle n'est pas simple. Divulgation des abus sexuels dans l'enfance ou l'agression sexuelle est façonnée par ce que l'homme se sent ou penser, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

Ci-dessous quelques informations sur ce qui peut aider ou nuire à la divulgation de l'abus sexuel ou d'agression sexuelle des hommes. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. Bonne lecture, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

Si vous êtes désireux de soutenir la divulgation d'un homme que vous pourriez apprécier Hommes divulgation: Comment vous pouvez aider.

Les obstacles à la communication

Les garçons et les hommes, comme les filles et les femmes, souvent ne parlent pas de l'abus sexuel dans l'enfance ou l'agression sexuelle. On pense que ceci est dû à des éléments tels que:

  • Menaces, either physical or verbal, de l'agresseur.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • Confusion, culpabilité, honte, or embarrassment. Par exemple, croire que vous étiez en quelque sorte responsables ou complices.
  • La méfiance des autres, surtout si vous avez essayé de dire dans le passé et n'ont pas cru.
  • Ne sachant pas comment en parler, ou ne pas avoir les mots.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • Être inquiété que, si vous ne dites, on vous dira que ce est «pas une grosse affaire."
  • Il se sentant trop douloureux d'en parler. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • Un souhait pour protéger les autres, à garder le secret dans l'espoir que quelqu'un d'autre ne sera pas aussi être blessé ou bouleversé.

J'étais tellement gêné que je ne pouvais pas trouver les mots pour le dire exactement ce qu'il faisait, mais l'enfer, j'ai essayé assez souvent. Maintenant, je me demande pourquoi ils n'ont pas deviner que quelque chose clochait

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:

Stéréotypes dominants de la masculinité

Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, même contre toute attente. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. En plus, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.

"…abus sexuel à un homme est un abus contre sa virilité ainsi. "

L'homophobie et la confusion au sujet de la sexualité

Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, et la discrimination contre lui. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, et je pense qu'il devrait être correct à ce sujet.

Si, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, ce qui peut le rendre encore plus réticentes à parler de l'abus sexuel. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on Agression sexuelle masculine et l'excitation.

If the man is actually gay, il peut croire qu'il doit faire face à encore plus la stigmatisation et le blâme.

"Si tu es gay, vous craignez que les gens vont penser [l'abus sexuel] était quelque chose que vous vouliez ".

La crainte que l'homme deviendra un «auteur» d'abus

A frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page S'adressant à la victime de cycle de délinquants.

Le manque de soutien visible pour les hommes

A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.
 


 
La liste ci-dessus des obstacles à la communication est loin d'être terminée. Chaque homme a sa propre histoire à raconter.
 

Dans la culture occidentale, les hommes apprennent à être les durs: ils ne sont pas à pleurer, ils sont censés avoir les réponses, être les fournisseurs, et surtout il n'est pas correct de montrer l'émotion. Voulez-vous dire dans des circonstances comme ça?

Que voulez-vous ajouter à la liste?

Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?

Les choses qui peuvent encourager la divulgation

Tout comme les hommes et les garçons peuvent être dissuadés de parler de la violence, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. Divulgation des abus sexuels peut être motivée par:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, Par exemple, un service d'assistance téléphonique pour enfants annonce, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, partenaire, family member or men’s group member.
  • Voir la personne qui a commis l'agression sexuelle.
  • Entendre parler ou en visitant le lieu où la violence se soit produite.
  • Devenir parent, ou être à proximité d'un enfant qui atteint l'âge de l'homme était lorsque l'abus a été perpétré.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • Quand il ya des enquêtes publiques sur les abus ou d'agression (e.g. La Commission royale, Enquête Forde).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through flashbacks ou cauchemars.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. suggestion d'un examen de la prostate).
  • Quand un partenaire offre un soutien et la compréhension.
  • Quand un homme sent qu'il doit traiter avec elle ou mourir!

Même si ces invitations à prendre la parole peuvent exister, les hommes ne sont que trop conscients du fait que parler à quelqu'un de vivre une expérience d'abus sexuel ne fait pas de problèmes vont automatiquement loin. Il peut être utile de faire une liste des coûts et des avantages de dire à quelqu'un potentiels, à la fois à court et à long terme. Si le secret a été tout ce que vous avez connu, la seule pensée de raconter peut provoquer l'anxiété et vous empêcher d'accéder aux soins et le soutien appropriés.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

Comment se fait maintenant? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, à la fois dans le court et long terme?

Une difficulté avec le secret

Eh bien, c'est juste garder un secret, ne pas laisser quelqu'un dans votre passé. Vous êtes tellement peur fondamentalement de ce que votre famille pourrait-on dire contre vous, ou peur de revivre le passé, que vous ne voulez pas mettre en place. J'avais ce qui s'est passé dans le dos de mon esprit tout le temps, mais c'était comme si je ne dis rien à personne, bien qu'un jour, je pourrais simplement terminer. Et si je suis allé dans ma tombe personne d'autre ne saura jamais ce qui m'est arrivé.

Comme la citation ci-dessus suggère, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that sécurité can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

À un moment donné, ne dis pas que tout peut très bien avoir été une question de vie ou de mort. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

Bien que le secret pourrait minimiser les dommages à court terme, il peut avoir des effets négatifs à long terme. Le secret sur la violence sexuelle peut devenir isoler. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

Le secret peut devenir comme une prison, vous piéger à l'intérieur et à garder des amis sur. Cependant, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.

Choisir de dire d'une manière qui privilégie la sécurité

Si vous envisagez de parler avec quelqu'un à propos de vos expériences, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. Vous decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.

Quel est mon but dans le partage de cette information?

  • Quelles sont les informations que je veux partager?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. Vous pouvez écrire et réécrire une lettre jusqu'à ce qu'il dit exactement ce que vous voulez dire. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. Les lettres peuvent être des documents puissants: ils signalent cette question est importante. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.

Que cherchez-vous?

Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (Washington 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • Qu'est-ce que je cherche de cette personne? Quel genre de réponse que je voudrais?
  • Ce qui me dit que cette personne sera en mesure d'entendre ce que je dis?
  • Quelles sont mes inquiétudes et préoccupations? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • Comment pourrais-je les préparer à ce que je m'apprête à dire?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

Pointe: Vous pouvez imprimer une copie de la page du Bien Vivre accompagnement Traiter avec Divulgation pour les partenaires, amis et familles, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.

Soyez prêt pour l'incertitude

It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. Comment quelqu'un répond sera déterminée par leur propre histoire, préoccupations, valeurs, croyances et le type de relation qu'ils ont avec vous.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. Il peut prendre un certain temps pour quelqu'un de prendre dans ce que vous leur avez dit. Envisagez de prendre lentement, prendre un certain temps si nécessaire pour rassembler vos pensées. Il est probable que la personne avec qui vous conversez voudra le temps de réfléchir. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

Pointe: Si vous avez déjà parlé avec un conseiller, partenaire ou un ami, vous pouvez leur demander de vous aider. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.

Rappeler

The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. Si vous parlez avec un partenaire, ami, membre de la famille, médecin, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, cela peut être l'occasion pour vous de l'expérience d'être en contrôle et en charge de vos choix.

Plus d'informations

Références

  1. Holmes, En. C. (1998). Les abus sexuels sur des garçons: Définition, prévalence, corrélats, Séquelles et gestion. Journal de l'American Medical Association, Vol. 280, Aucun 21.
  2. Pine, N. W., & Meier, R. Fa. (1999). Différences entre les sexes dans les rapports de viol. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, 40, 979-987.
  3. Easton, S. D., Saltzman, L. Y., & Willis, D. Sol. (2013). «Voulez-vous dire de circonstances Like That?": Obstacles à la dénonciation de l'abus sexuel pour les hommes. Psychologie des hommes & Masculinité. Avancer la publication en ligne. deux: 10.1037/a0034223

3 commentaires

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl Répondre Juillet 27, 2016 à 11:37 pm

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 jours.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 il ya des années; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl Répondre Juillet 27, 2016 à 11:40 pm

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • Comment by Jess [Personnel bien Surface]

      Jess [Personnel bien Surface] Répondre Juillet 28, 2016 à 2:28 pm

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. Après une expérience d'abus sexuel, il n'est pas rare que la vie des gens à collaborer étroitement liés aux problèmes liés à l'expérience. Cependant, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      Autrement, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      Finalement, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on Agression sexuelle et l'éveil can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.

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