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Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. Hablar de abuso sexual o asalto sexual no es un asunto sencillo. La revelación de abuso sexual en la infancia o asalto sexual está determinada por lo que un hombre está sintiendo o pensando, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

A continuación se ofrece alguna información sobre lo que puede ayudar u obstaculizar la divulgación de los hombres de abuso sexual o asalto sexual. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. Tiene una lectura, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

Si estás interesado en apoyar la divulgación de un hombre es posible apreciar Divulgación de los hombres: ¿Cómo usted puede ayudar.

Barreras a la divulgación

Los niños y hombres, al igual que las niñas y las mujeres, comúnmente no hablar de abuso sexual en la infancia o asalto sexual. Esto se cree que es debido a cosas tales como:

  • Amenazas, either physical or verbal, del abusador.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • Confusión, culpa, vergüenza, or embarrassment. Por ejemplo, creyendo que eran de alguna manera responsables o cómplices.
  • La desconfianza de los demás, especialmente si usted ha tratado de contar en el pasado y no se creía.
  • Sin saber cómo hablar sobre ello, o no tener las palabras.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • Al estar preocupado de que si dices, te dirá que es "no es gran cosa."
  • Se siente muy doloroso hablar de. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • El deseo de proteger a los demás, para mantener en secreto la esperanza de que alguien más no también ser dañado o alterado.

Estaba tan avergonzada que no podía encontrar las palabras para decir exactamente lo que estaba haciendo, pero el infierno intenté lo suficiente. Ahora me pregunto por qué no adivinan que algo andaba mal

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:

Estereotipos dominantes de la masculinidad

Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, incluso ante las circunstancias. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. Además, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.

"…abuso sexual de un hombre es un abuso contra su virilidad, así ".

La homofobia y la confusión con respecto a la sexualidad

Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, y discriminar en su contra. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, y creo que debería estar bien al respecto.

Si, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, esto puede hacer que aún más reacios a hablar sobre el abuso sexual. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on Asalto sexual masculina y la excitación.

If the man is actually gay, él crea que tiene que enfrentarse aún más el estigma y la culpa.

"Si eres gay, Teme que la gente pensará [el abuso sexual] era algo que quería ".

Las preocupaciones de que un hombre se convertirá en un 'autor' del abuso

La frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page Dirigiéndose a la víctima a delincuente ciclo.

La falta de apoyo visible para los hombres

A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.
 


 
La lista anterior de los obstáculos a la divulgación no es en absoluto completa. Cada uno tiene su propia historia personal que contar.
 

En la cultura occidental, los hombres se les enseña a ser los difíciles: no son para llorar, Se supone que deben tener las respuestas, ser los proveedores, y sobre todo no está bien para mostrar la emoción. ¿Le dirías en circunstancias como esas?

¿Qué añadirías a la lista?

Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?

Cosas que pueden alentar la divulgación

Así como los hombres y los niños pueden ser disuadidos de hablar de los abusos, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. La revelación de abuso sexual puede ser provocada por:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, Por ejemplo, un Kids Helpline anuncio, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, socio, family member or men’s group member.
  • Al ver a la persona que perpetró el abuso sexual.
  • Oír hablar o visitar el lugar donde ocurrió el abuso.
  • Ser padres, o estar cerca de un niño que cumplirá la edad el hombre fue cuando se perpetró el abuso.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • Cuando hay encuestas públicas sobre el abuso o asalto (v.g.. La Comisión Real, Investigación Forde).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through recuerdos o pesadillas.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (v.g.. sugerencia de un examen de próstata).
  • Cuando un socio ofrece apoyo y comprensión.
  • Cuando un hombre siente que tiene que tratar con él o morir!

A pesar de que pueden existir estas invitaciones para hablar, los hombres son muy conscientes de que decirle a alguien acerca de una experiencia de abuso sexual no hace que los problemas van automáticamente de distancia. Puede ser útil hacer una lista de los costos y beneficios de decirle a alguien potenciales, tanto a corto y largo plazo. Si el secreto ha sido todo lo que han conocido, la sola idea de narración puede producir ansiedad y le impida acceder a la atención y apoyo adecuados.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

¿Cómo es que ahora? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, tanto a corto como a largo plazo?

Una dificultad con el secreto

Bien, que acaba de guardar un secreto, no dejar a nadie en su pasado. Estás tan asustado, básicamente, de lo que su familia podría decir en su contra, o miedo de revivir el pasado, que no quiere tocar el tema. Había lo que ocurrió en el fondo de mi mente todo el tiempo, pero se sentía como si yo no digo nada a nadie, Bueno, un día yo podría acabar con ella. Y si me fui a la tumba nadie sabría nunca lo que me pasó.

En la cita anterior sugiere, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that seguridad can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

En un momento dado, sin decir nada pudo muy bien haber sido una cuestión de vida o muerte. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

Aunque el secreto podría minimizar el daño en el corto plazo, puede tener efectos negativos a largo plazo. El secretismo sobre el abuso sexual puede convertirse en el aislamiento. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

El secreto puede ser como una prisión, atrapadas adentro y mantener amigos fuera. Sin embargo, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.

Elegir a decir de una manera que da prioridad a la seguridad

Si está pensando en hablar con alguien acerca de sus experiencias, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. Usted decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.

¿Cuál es mi propósito en compartir esta información?

  • ¿Qué información que quiero compartir?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. Usted puede escribir y volver a escribir una carta hasta que diga exactamente lo que usted quiere que diga. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. Las cartas pueden ser documentos de gran alcance: señalan este asunto es importante. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.

¿Qué busca?

Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (Washington 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • ¿Qué estoy buscando a esta persona? ¿Qué tipo de respuesta me gustaría?
  • ¿Qué me dice que esta persona va a ser capaz de escuchar lo que estoy diciendo?
  • ¿Cuáles son mis preocupaciones e inquietudes? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • ¿Cómo puede prepararse para lo que voy a decir?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

Punta: Usted puede imprimir una copia de la página de Vivir Bien acompañamiento Hacer frente a la divulgación para los socios, amigos y familias, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.

Esté preparado para la incertidumbre

It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. ¿Cómo alguien responde será determinado por su propia historia, preocupaciones, valores, creencias y el tipo de relación que tienen con usted.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. Puede tomar algún tiempo para que alguien tome en lo que usted les haya dicho. Considere la posibilidad de tomarlo lentamente, tomar algo de tiempo si es necesario para recoger sus pensamientos. Es probable que la persona que está hablando va a querer tiempo para pensar. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

Punta: Si usted ha hablado previamente con un asesor, pareja o amigo, que se puede pedir a ayudarle. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.

Recordar

The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. Ya sea que usted está hablando con un compañero, amigo, miembro de la familia, doctor, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, esta puede ser la oportunidad para que la experiencia de estar en control y responsable de sus elecciones.

Más información

Referencias

  1. Holmes, La. C. (1998). El abuso sexual de los niños: Definición, predominio, correlatos, Secuelas y Gestión. Revista de la Asociación Médica Americana, Vuelo. 280, No 21.
  2. Pino, N. W., & Meier, R. F. (1999). Las diferencias de género en los informes de violación. Roles Sexuales: Un diario de la investigación, 40, 979-987.
  3. Easton, S. D., Saltzman, La. Y., & Willis, D. T. (2013). "¿Le dirías a bajo circunstancias Like That?": Las barreras a la divulgación del abuso sexual infantil para Hombres. Psicología de los Hombres & Masculinidad. Avanzar en la publicación en línea. dos: 10.1037/a0034223

3 comentarios

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl Responder Julio 27, 2016 en 11:37 pm

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 días.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 Hace años; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl Responder Julio 27, 2016 en 11:40 pm

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • Comment by Jess [Living personal bien]

      Jess [Living personal bien] Responder Julio 28, 2016 en 2:28 pm

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. Tras una experiencia de abuso sexual, no es inusual para la vida de las personas se conviertan en estrecha relación con los problemas relacionados con la experiencia. Sin embargo, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      De otra manera, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      Finalmente, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on El asalto sexual y la excitación can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.

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