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Deciding to disclose sexual abuse

Deciding to disclose sexual abuse or sexual assault is a process that takes much time and consideration, particularly for a man. How disclosure of child sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs, and how it is responded to, can significantly influence a man’s future well being. الحديث عن الاعتداء الجنسي أو الاعتداء الجنسي ليس مسألة بسيطة. يتشكل الكشف عن الاعتداء الجنسي على الأطفال أو الاعتداء الجنسي من قبل رجل ما يشعر أو يفكر, by the culture in which he lives, and by his assessment as to whether he will be believed and supported. Research indicates that men are far less likely than women to tell someone of experiences of childhood sexual abuse, or to report sexual assault as an adult. [1]

المدرجة أدناه بعض المعلومات عن ما يمكن أن تساعد أو تعيق الكشف الرجال من الاعتداء الجنسي أو الاعتداء الجنسي. We have also included some questions and points you might want to check out if you are considering telling someone of your experiences. لديك قراءة, take your time, and decide what is relevant or useful for you.

إذا كنت ترغب في دعم الكشف الرجل قد نقدر الرجال الإفصاح: كيف يمكنك أن تساعد.

الحواجز التي تحول دون الإفصاح

الفتيان والرجال, مثل الفتيات والنساء, عادة لا نتحدث عن الاعتداء الجنسي على الأطفال أو الاعتداء الجنسي. ويعتقد أن هذا بسبب أشياء مثل:

  • التهديدات, either physical or verbal, من المسيء.
  • Fear of what the reaction might be — what people will think or do.
  • ارتباك, إثم, عار, or embarrassment. مثلا, معتبرا أن كنت في بعض الطريق مسؤول أو متواطئة.
  • عدم الثقة في الآخرين, خاصة إذا كنت قد حاولت أن أقول في الماضي، ولم يعتقد.
  • لا يعرفون كيفية التحدث عن ذلك, أو عدم وجود الكلمات.
  • Believing people already knew about it, and that they were not concerned.
  • أن نشعر بالقلق من إذا كنت لا يقول, سوف يقال لك انها "ليست صفقة كبيرة."
  • ذلك الشعور المؤلم أن نتحدث عن. Fear of losing control, and becoming overwhelmed by emotions. This may then trigger a sense of shame at not coping.
  • Having to explain the circumstances, such as what you were doing there in the first place.
  • الرغبة في حماية الآخرين, أن تبقي الأمر سرا على أمل أن شخصا آخر لن يتعرضوا للأذى أو أيضا مستاء.

أحسست بالإحراج فعلا أنني لا يمكن أن تجد الكلمات ليقول بالضبط ما كان يقوم به, لكن الجحيم حاولت في كثير من الأحيان بما فيه الكفاية. الآن أتساءل لماذا لم يخمن شيئا ما كان خطأ

Men may have even more barriers to deciding to disclose. Men’s ability to speak about sexual violence is further affected by:

الصور النمطية السائدة للرجولة

Commonly held ideas suggesting that boys and men should be strong and able to defend themselves, حتى ضد صعوبات جمة. These ideas make it extremely difficult to talk about sexual abuse or assault. وبالإضافة إلى ذلك, the idea that ‘as a man’ you should be able to cope with anything that is thrown at you, and sort stuff out yourself, can leave a man feeling bad about himself if he is struggling. Beliefs like this, represented by saying such as “stand on your own two feet,” “boys don’t cry,” and “man up,” can stop a boy or man from seeking help.

"…الاعتداء الجنسي لرجل هو مخالف ضد رجولته أيضا ".

الجنسية المثلية والارتباك فيما يتعلق بالجنس

Fears related to what the abuse means about your sexuality, or how people will perceive it, can inhibit men speaking out about what was done. If a man was sexually assaulted by a man he may be concerned that people will think he is gay, وتميز ضده. If he was abused by a woman, he may fear that people will not take his complaints seriously, وأعتقد أنه ينبغي أن يكون بخير عن ذلك.

إذا, at that time of the assault, the man developed an erection or became aroused in some way, وهذا يمكن أن يجعله أكثر ترددا في الحديث عن الاعتداء الجنسي. If this is something you have questions about, please check out our page on الاعتداء الجنسي من الذكور والإثارة.

If the man is actually gay, وقال انه ربما يعتقد ان لديه لمواجهة المزيد من وصمة العار واللوم.

"إذا كنت مثلي الجنس, كنت تخشى أن الناس سوف يعتقدون [الاعتداء الجنسي] كان شيئا أردت ".

مخاوف من أن الرجل سوف يصبح "الجاني" من الإساءة

A frequently unquestioned myth is that, following an experience of sexual abuse, a man is more likely to become an offender. This belief is very disturbing to men. It can stop them from speaking about abuse out of fear of how they will be perceived or treated afterwards. Read more on our page معالجة الضحية إلى الجاني دورة.

عدم وجود دعم واضح للرجال

A dearth of awareness and services for men who have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault stops them from deciding to disclose. They are reluctant to ‘open the can of worms’ without some sense that they will be supported, and that it will result in a positive change.
 


 
القائمة أعلاه من الحواجز على الكشف ليست بأي حال الكامل. كل رجل لديه قصته الشخصية لنقول.
 

في الثقافة الغربية, يتم تدريس الرجال لتكون هي صعبة: انهم ليسوا في البكاء, انهم من المفترض أن لدينا الأجوبة, يكون مقدمي, وقبل كل شيء انها ليست بخير لإظهار العاطفة. وكنت أقول في ظل ظروف من هذا القبيل?

ما يمكن أن تضيفها إلى قائمة?

Is there something in particular that has kept you from speaking about sexual abuse or sexual assault, or is it a combination of factors?

الأشياء التي قد تشجع الإفصاح

تماما كما يمكن أن يشجع الرجال والفتيان من الحديث عن الإساءة, certain events can lead men to speak of their experiences. يمكن أن تتم مطالبتك الكشف عن الاعتداء الجنسي من قبل:

  • Seeing a film about abuse, or hearing a public discussion about sexual abuse, مثلا, إعلان كيدز خط المساعدة, or films like ‘Mysterious Skin’.
  • Hearing the disclosure of a friend, شريك, family member or men’s group member.
  • رؤية الشخص الذي ارتكب الاعتداء الجنسي.
  • أو نسمع عن زيارة المكان الذي وقع فيه الاعتداء.
  • تصبح أحد الوالدين, أو كونها قريبة من الطفل الذي سيبلغ من العمر كان الرجل عندما ترتكب إساءة.
  • When a relationship breaks down, or when a partner insists that for a relationship to survive you must see a counsellor.
  • عندما تكون هناك تحقيقات عامة في سوء المعاملة أو الاعتداء (e.g. الهيئة الملكية, فورد رسالتك).
  • If the police contact you seeking evidence for a prosecution.
  • Reliving the assault through ذكريات الماضي أو الكوابيس.
  • Health problems, or a physical check up (e.g. اقتراح إجراء فحص البروستاتا).
  • عندما يقدم الشريك الدعم والتفهم.
  • عندما يشعر الرجل انه يجب التعامل معها أو يموت!

على الرغم من هذه الدعوات في الكلام قد تكون موجودة, الرجال يدركون أيضا أن يقول شخص ما عن تجربة الاعتداء الجنسي لا يجعل المشاكل تذهب تلقائيا بعيدا فقط. يمكن أن يكون مفيدا لتقديم قائمة من التكاليف والفوائد المحتملة لإخبار شخص, سواء على المدى القصير والطويل. إذا كان كل ما عليك السرية المعروفة, مجرد التفكير في قول يمكن أن تنتج القلق ويمنعك من الحصول على الرعاية والدعم الملائمة.

What has prompted you to consider talking about your experiences now?

كيف يأتي الآن? What has happened for you recently?

What are the potential costs and benefits for you if you disclose?

What are the costs and benefits to your relationships, في كل من المدى القصير والطويل?

وثمة صعوبة مع السرية

جيد, انها مجرد الحفاظ على سرية, عدم السماح لأي شخص في ماضيك. كنت خائفة جدا أساسا ما قد يقول عائلتك ضدك, أو خائفة من عيش الماضي, ان كنت لا تريد لجعلها تصل. كان لي ما حدث في الجزء الخلفي من ذهني كل الوقت, ولكن إذا شعرت أنا لا أقول أي شيء إلى أي شخص, في يوم من الأيام أنني قد وضع حد لها فقط. وإذا ذهبت إلى قبري لا يمكن لأحد آخر يعرف على الاطلاق ما حدث لي.

كما يوحي الاقتباس اعلاه, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse or sexual assault often face is that سلامة can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways.

عند نقطة واحدة, لا أقول أي شيء يمكن أن يكون جيدا جدا مسألة حياة أو موت. You might have been only too aware of the potential consequences of telling.

As time went by, you could have become convinced that saying something would be, or cause, too much trouble. That it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face questions regarding why you didn’t say anything before.

على الرغم من السرية قد تقليل الضرر على المدى القصير, يمكن أن يكون لها آثار سلبية على المدى الطويل. السرية حول الاعتداء الجنسي يمكن أن تصبح عزل. It allows unhelpful voices of self doubt and self blame to take hold of your thoughts and life.

السرية يمكن أن تصبح مثل السجن, محاصرة داخل وحفظ لك أصدقاء من. لكن, try to remember that in a safe relationship there is no need for secrecy. You can speak freely of your concerns and ask for and receive support without fear of consequences.

اختيار لنقول بطريقة تعطي الأولوية السلامة

إذا كنت تفكر في التحدث مع شخص ما عن خبراتكم, try to develop a plan that prioritises your sense of safety and wellbeing. Letting someone know of your experiences does not need to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing. You have the choice of what, and how much, information you share. أنت decide when and whom to tell. It can be useful to consider the following points.

ما هو هدفي في تقاسم هذه المعلومات?

  • ما هي المعلومات التي أريد أن أشارك?
  • What am I hoping to achieve by sharing it?
  • What values or goals am I meeting by sharing this?

One way of ensuring that you are able to say what you want to say, is to write it down in a letter or journal. يمكنك كتابة وإعادة كتابة بريد إلكتروني حتى تقول بالضبط ما تريد أن نقول. Keepin mind that there is no right way or wrong way of telling someone about your experiences.

If you do write a letter, you can then choose the time when you want to send it. You might even choose to read it to them, or just to use it as a practice run, to get your thoughts clear, prior to having the conversation.

If you do decide to disclose through writing, that’s just as good. يمكن خطابات وثائق قوية: انها تعبر عن هذا الأمر مهم. Some men have also found it useful to write a letter to themselves. A letter of encouragement, or a letter to or from their future self, reminding them what their purpose is in sharing information at this time.

ما الذي تبحث عنه?

Research tells us that if a man receives a positive, supportive response to a disclosure of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault, it will enhance his overall wellbeing. Unfortunately however, such a response cannot be guaranteed (واشنطن 1999). In deciding to disclose, and going about sharing your experiences, it can be useful therefore to consider:

  • ما أنا أبحث عن من هذا الشخص? ما هو نوع من استجابة أود?
  • ما يقول لي أن هذا الشخص سيكون قادرا على سماع ما أقوله?
  • ما هي مخاوفي ومخاوف? What might happen?
  • How would I handle it? How might I take care of myself?
  • كيف يمكن أنا إعدادهم للما أنا على وشك أن أقول?
  • How might I not place too high an expectation on this person?

معلومات سرية: هل يمكن طباعة نسخة من صفحة المعيشة حسنا المرافق التعامل مع الإفصاح عن شركاء, الأصدقاء والعائلات, and have it on hand. This person might want to respond in helpful ways, but might not know what that would involve.

تكون على استعداد لعدم اليقين

It is useful to remember that when you are talking with someone, it is not possible to determine where the conversation will go. You do not know how they will react, and you cannot plan for every eventuality. كيف يستجيب شخص ما ستحدده تاريخهم, المخاوف, القيم, المعتقدات ونوع العلاقة التي معك.

In talking with someone about experiences of sexual abuse or sexual assault, be careful not to ‘over interpret’ what that person subsequently says or does. قد يستغرق بعض الوقت لشخص ما أن في ما كنت قد قلت لهم. النظر في اتخاذ ببطء, أخذ بعض الوقت للخروج إذا لزم الأمر لجمع أفكارك. ومن المرجح فإن الشخص الذي تتحدث معه يريدون وقتا للتفكير. They may benefit from doing some of their own research, or having someone to talk with who can assist them to understand and learn better how they can help.

معلومات سرية: إذا كنت قد تحدث في وقت سابق مع مستشار, شريك أو صديق, هل يمكن أن نطلب منهم لمساعدتك. Invite them to be present or be available to talk.

تذكر

The decision to talk about sexual abuse or sexual assault should be yours. سواء كنت تتحدث مع شريك, صديق, أفراد الأسرة, طبيب, police officer or counsellor, you have a choice as to how you respond to a question that is asked of you. Give yourself time to think through what has been said, and to review where to from here. While sexual abuse or sexual assault involves taking away your choice, هذا يمكن أن يكون فرصة بالنسبة لك لتجربة يجري في السيطرة والمسؤول عن اختياراتك.

مزيد من المعلومات

مراجع

  1. هولمز, ال. C. (1998). الاعتداء الجنسي على الأولاد: تعريف, انتشار, يرتبط, عقابيل والإدارة. مجلة الجمعية الطبية الأميركية, طيران. 280, ليس 21.
  2. صنوبر, N. W., & ماير, R. F. (1999). الفروق بين الجنسين في التقارير الاغتصاب. أدوار الجنس: مجلة البحوث, 40, 979-987.
  3. ايستون, S. D., سالتزمان, ال. Y., & ويليس, D. G. (2013). "هل أخبر ظل ظروف مثل هذا?": العوائق التي تحول دون الكشف عن الاعتداء الجنسي على الأطفال للرجال. علم النفس من الرجال & ذكورة. تقدم النشر. اثنان: 10.1037/a0034223

3 تعليقات

  1. Comment by Cl

    Cl الرد يوليو 27, 2016 في 11:37 PM

    Recently my husband of 5 yrs and i got into a very heated argument about him not feeling adequate in bed for me. this argument went on and off about 3 أيام.

    his argument was about my sex toy that i received as a gift about 2 منذ سنوات; he claimed i didn’t feel satisfied enough with him and that’s why i had it. that it was bigger than him and he felt like as if i had brought another man into our relationship.

    i told him multiple times that was not the case and that he had nothing to worry about, and then i walked in on him in the bathroom and my toy was in there with him. he claimed that he wanted to confirm that he was not smaller than the toy. i brushed it off but two days later i brought it up in a joking manner, and the argument started again. it got so bad i accused him of being a homosexual.. and then after 30 min of more shaming towards him on my part, he yelled out he had been sexually abused as a child when he was 5.

    i was sexually abused as a child as well, and he told me he felt like i would understand but i was being selfish and not seeing things from his point of view.

    after both of us breaking down we apologized to each other for saying such hurtful things, and talked about it. he went into detail with me about the abuse, and i went into detail with him about mine. we came to the conclusion that the abuse we both experienced affected both of us completely. our whole life is basically based on the abuse we had as children. but now even though i’m glad we were able to talk it out, as if a pandora box has been opened, his light in his eyes had dimmed. i feel like this will affect our relationship more, because i know he feels ashamed and very angry.

    i love him and hate to see him feel this way. i need some advice on how we can cope and move on from this, without letting it become a bigger issue, or making him feel like i don’t care.

  2. Comment by Cl

    Cl الرد يوليو 27, 2016 في 11:40 PM

    We both have had counseling but we both feel like it did not help

    • التعليق من قبل جيس [العيش الكريم للموظفين]

      قيد البازي [العيش الكريم للموظفين] الرد يوليو 28, 2016 في 2:28 PM

      Hi Cl,

      Thanks for getting in touch with us here at Living Well to share your story, and to seek some support through this difficult time. That takes bravery and I want to commend you for taking these steps. It shows that you certainly do care.

      It sounds as though you and your husband had a terrible fight, or series of fights, and that it was really hurtful for both of you. There were misunderstandings and regretful thingssaid on both sidesthat were clearly motivated by pain and a desire to be understood. I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal the breach that was created, and it sounds like it has brought you closer, and to a deeper understanding of each other. Even though the arguing was awful, when these breaches are healed there is a lot of evidence that the whole experience does improve intimacy, communication and relationship health.

      It is possible that a bit more time will be needed for you both to process it allthere is a lot to take in. The most important thing is that, with Pandora’s box opened, there is hope. You are now able to fully support each other through this. The fact that you are here shows that you are willingand our experience is that this is one of the most important factors for a couple to work through these issues. Being present with each other, trying to be supportive, trying to take the other person’s perspective, and keeping an open mind are the best ways you can help each other.

      Please know that childhood sexual abuse in itself does not mean you are doomed to lives of horrible suffering, or even that it is the centre of all life’s problems. It’s important to recognise that anyone who has experienced trauma of this kind has the capacity to lead a full and rewarding life. Try not to fall into the trap of making experiences of sexual abuse the explanation for everything that has gone or does go wrong. بعد التعرض للاعتداء الجنسي, فإنه ليس من غير المألوف لحياة الناس لتصبح متصلة بشكل وثيق مع المشاكل المتصلة تلك التجربة. لكن, seeing ‘the person as the problemand all of their current difficulties as a result of sexual abuse can be counter-productive. Try to consider any issues in the present moment. What is the problem now? What might help now?

      I’m sorry to hear counselling so far has been unhelpful for you both, but please don’t give up. There are professionals out there with a deep understanding of the effects of these traumatic experiences. As it looks like you’re in the US, our partners at 1in6.org may be able to point you in the right direction.

      وإلا, some information that may be helpful for you and your husband to read includes:
      Dealing with sexual violence
      When your partner discloses sexual abuse
      Common relationship challenges following sexual abuse

      أخيرا, if you or your husband have any questions regarding his sexuality, our page on الاعتداء الجنسي والإثارة can be a bit confronting but does hopefully answer some of these. It is not uncommon for men to question their sexuality following sexual abuse or assault, as these unwanted experiences can be very confusing, especially for a child.

      I hope that helps Cl. Please take care. Best of luck to you both.

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